(Closed) I snooped and now I don't know how to approach this situation – LONG

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
2360 posts
Buzzing bee

If you approach your Fiance about this, he’s only going to get defensive of his friend, and you’ll have succeeded only in getting your Fiance on the friend’s side instead of yours. Let it go, and let this friend keeping crossing the line with your Fiance. Eventually, your fella will get tired enough of it to tell the friend to shut his trap, and may finally even end the friendship. But that will not happen as long as he feels like he has to defend the friend to you. 

Forget you ever saw that comment. 

Post # 18
Member
1075 posts
Bumble bee

@rebwana:  +1!

I don’t think you need to bring up the snooping, your wedding coming up and this dude’s past public behavior are enough to get the conversation rolling.

I would tack on to rebwana’s idea a discussion beforehand with your Fiance that unless this dude can get over it then you expect him to dump him as a friend. Maybe even give your Fiance a chance to talk to him and tell him that he’s being a jerk first and needs to get over himself. I’m fully expecting him to toss a few insults your way instead, but at least you’ll be rid of him after!

Post # 19
Member
13701 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

What a terrile person.  However, I don’t think there’s a good way to bring up that you snooped through his phone.  You violated his trust, and he’s probably going to be  at least a little upset about it.

Post # 20
Member
2232 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I almost think that you can bring it up without coming clean about snooping. Sometimes I’ll ask Darling Husband if he had heard from so and so and what they had to say about whatever news. It’s an easy way to start the conversation and to discuss with your Fiance how this friend/asshole feels about your engagement.

I’m curious what your Fiance replied to that text message??

Post # 21
Member
2053 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@ProfessorGirl:  +1 

You snooped, you found something crappy. That’s punishment for you.  If you confront your Fiance, you’ll put him in a defensive position and it doesn’t sound like it will end well.  

At least know you know how his friend feels, and you can avoid him at all cost. Or be passive aggressive route: be super nice to his friend. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Post # 22
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’m going to go a different direction with my advice-

Bully the bully. I had a similar situation, and I took the direct route- “Because you continue this behavior, I assume no one has told you: your actions are rude and unacceptable, and I think you are a bad person. You cannot treat people the way you treat me, and I won’t allow it anymore. Stop it, now” and when he tried to say something, I “shhh”ed him and said “See, you just made me shush a grown man. Stop it.” and walked away. Each time, I reinforced this stance and kept the same verbage, eventually just shushing him whenever he tried to be mean. It humiliated the bully and he eventually stopped being an ass to me and moved on to someone else.

I would totally do this in front of FI; however, the day Fiance allowed someone to call me a whore publically would be the last time he was my Fiance. Fuck that noise.

Post # 23
Member
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Sorry, I disagree with some PPs about snooping. I believe partners should be OK with looking through each other’s phones.

That said, you don’t even need to mention the phone. The FB is damning enough. You should insist FI disinvite him over the FB posts.

If that’s not enough, then mention the phone. “Hey, I was looking through your phone for something, and found this.”

The disturbing thing is Fiance won’t stand up for you.

Post # 24
Member
1975 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@nerdysarah:  love this advice

Post # 25
Member
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

So I like mrskopp2be’s advice.  But I might start with something similar to what Ms. Martian suggests and resort to directly contacting him if it doesn’t work.

I would start a conversation with your Fiance and say, “You know, I’ve still got a bad feeling about Mr. Douchebag (that’s what I’ve dubbed him for now) coming to our wedding.  His Facebook comment still bothers me.”  And then your Fiance will defend him blah blah blah… and at some point you will say, “I mean, he never seems to have anything nice to say about me.  What did he say when you told him we were engaged?”

That (hopefully) means your Fiance will have to tell you the truth about what he said.  And if he doesn’t tell you the truth, you can say, “You look like you’re trying to hide something. What did he really say?”  And so on and so forth. And when the truth finally comes out, then you can tell him that because of what Mr. Douchebag said, he’s uninvited to the wedding.

Best of luck.

Post # 26
Member
100 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@rainbowglitterbride:  And if he doesn’t tell you the truth, you can say, “You look like you’re trying to hide something. What did he really say?”  And so on and so forth. And when the truth finally comes out, then you can tell him that because of what Mr. Douchebag said, he’s uninvited to the wedding.

No offense, but that is nagging; OP would be punishing Fiance three times 1) by snooping in his personal communications 2) nagging until he caves 3) uninviting his friend (essentially terminating what is an important relationship for her FI), which is immasculating for a man.

 

Post # 27
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

That is not good, he should not be friends with this man who belittles you so much. I dont get why he stays friends with someone who talks about you horribly. I hope that you work this out with your Fiance. 

Post # 28
Member
1856 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Well, clearly this friend is an ass. And honestly, in my opinion, so is your fiance. I know that I am not who my SO’s best friend would have chosen for him – she is not my biggest fan, but the very times she voiced opinions that were rude, my SO has shut them down firmly and made it clear that our relationship wasn’t up for discussion or debate. I would feel very uncomfortable with a partner who wasn’t able or willing to stand up for me.

You mentioned your fiance was deployed – is the friend an army buddy by any chance? I’m just wondering if there’s that kind of bond between them that might prevent your fiance from having the sense to shut down that kind of commentary.

Post # 29
Member
2868 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Ugh… I feel for you.  It turns out my Fiance had a similar situation with a close friend of his, but I didn’t find out until after the fact.  When we were in a LDR, his friend would talk s*it to him about me and why was he with me… after a couple of times, Fiance explained that he was in love with me and if his friend didn’t respect that, he didn’t want to be around him, and he was no longer welcome over at his house.  That was almost three years ago and they haven’t spoken since.  I know in some ways Fiance is sad that he lost that friendship (they were best friends for about ten years) but he has no regrets.  The guy was an a$$hole, but it took this to make Fiance actually notice it.  The point being… I would bring up the situation again, even if you don’t mention the specific text you know what the sentiment is and you have other proof of it.  I would politely explain that he is not invoted to your wedding.  Sorry, but no, I just would not sit back and allow him to come.

Post # 30
Member
507 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@nerdysarah:  Your story is awesome. I wish I could’ve witnessed you shushing that guy!

Post # 31
Member
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@nerdysarah:  Fair point on some of the stuff.  My suggestion was definitely promoting more dishonesty, which…you’re right, is probably not a good idea.  I take it back 🙂 Don’t do what I suggested.  BUT, I still stand by the point that everyone else has made, which is that I would find it horrific if my Fiance allowed his friends to say stuff like that to me.  The next thing in his phone after that text should be (in my opinion) something that says, “Don’t talk that way about the woman I’m going to marry.”  If that’s not there, then it’s definitely something to bring up.

The big girl thing to do would be to admit that you snooped, and tell him you learned your lesson because now you know his friend really does hate you.  But I would tell him that now that you know, you’d like to have a serious conversation about your this guy and how you feel about him coming to your wedding and/or being friends with your Fiance.  

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