(Closed) I snooped and now I don't know how to approach this situation – LONG

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

It seems really suspicious that your Fiance is stanidng up for this arsehole so much. He has disrespected you in so many ways, and that is NOT ok! Your Fiance needs to do more.

Just out of curiosity, did you reply to the ‘whore’ comment? ‘Cos there’s no way I would have let that slide lol

Post # 48
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I would tell him that you saw the text. If I snooped though my FI’s phone to make sure he wasn’t texting other women, hells yes he would be pissed, that would obviously show trust issues. However, telling him I looked at his texts because I wanted to see what his asshole friend said about our engagement… I can’t see being much of an issue. Just my opinion.

Post # 49
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Just like virtually every other commentor, I think it’s really unacceptable that your fiance would want to remain friends with someone who would try to publically belittle you. 

I’m generally anti-snooping and it’s probably best that you let what you read on his phone go. I think there are other ways you can approach this topic without invading his privacy. If it were me, I would probably ask why he even wanted to invite this man to your wedding when he’s been downright nasty to you and will make not only you but your other guests uncomfortable. To me, weddings are about celebrating the joining of two lives with the people who are important to that new life. This guy clearly does not fit into that category. You can say something along the lines of “he’s repeatedly made his distaste for me pretty clear and I feel really uncomfortable having him at our wedding.” Let your fiance know that the chance of being insulted in your wedding day is upsetting to you and the idea of a fight breaking out because of it is absolutely no comfort. I think getting him to answer why this friend should be at your wedding is important. It’s fine that your fiance has friends that you don’t get along with, but it’s not fine for those friends to be verbally abusive. You shouldn’t have to allow those people at your wedding. 

Post # 50
Member
4993 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Just let it go….some men take a little time to process situations….they can also be a little stubborn if thier ladies tend to harp on the same thing.

You said your Fiance hasn’t spoken to him since the text was sent. Your Fiance is probably a little pissed at the sms and his friend. He may not have told you about it as it doesn’t want more conflict with you and a ‘I told you so’… When the time comes to send out invites, your Fiance may change his mind and not invite him….he knows how you feel about his friend. let it go for now and reassess the situation closer to the wedding.

I can understand how annoyed you must be…..I would be too in your situation!Yell

The friend is trying to get a rise out of you and cause tension in your relationship with your Fiance. If you react, his friend accomplishes his task. If you don’t react, you take away his power to cause tension in your relationship…

 

 

Post # 51
Member
3201 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

My ex let his friend talk crap about me all the time, like calling me a two timing whore, a bitch and several other choice phrases. Needless to say, he’s now an ex.  But I broke up with him because he never stood up for me (on top of other things). Is FH at least calling his friend out when he says these things?

Still, like you, I don’t really understand why your FH would want to be friends with someone who is constantly calling you names. 

FH had a friend that did that to me, and they no longer speak. 

Post # 52
Member
2623 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

From what you said it’s clear this man cannot contain himself, and will be causing nothing but bad feelings and trouble at your wedding. I think your Fi is disrespecting you with his lack of empathy and non reaction and to you being disrespected. Even if he had more important things to worry about while being deployed. Once he returned and you guys talked about it he should have taken action.

 

This guy behavior and langague is clearly misogynistic and par for the course with him if he treats other females. 

I just think the fact that this is the only major issue in your relationships should speak volumes to your Fi. And if he willing to commit himself to you I just don’t get why him having this friendship and inviting this nasty peice of work to your wedding is even under consideration????

 Being social, bonding, and loyal doesn’t cut it to me. Whatever you choose to do I wish you good luck.

Post # 54
Member
3518 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@nerdysarah:  THIS. SO MUCH THIS. Best advice ever. I agree 100% with all the posters that say that instead of dealing through Fiance, go straight to the jerk and tell him off.

Post # 56
Member
112 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I agree with most of the posters here. A wedding is supposed to celebrate the love between two people, so naturally only those that support it should be there. If this douchebag is so against you, why would he even want to come? I would confront him and ask him why he wants to be there, because he’s never shown acceptance of your relationship. Tell him if he apologizes he can come, but if he’s not sincere or doesn’t give a damn about your feelings, I would tell your Fiance you don’t want him there for that reason. It doesn’t really matter that Fiance thinks 15 people will put him in line, because in reality, most people won’t say a thing and will avoid confrontation, especially at a wedding.

Post # 57
Member
16 posts
Newbee

well its nice to see that you snooped and u didnt get called crazy or made feel like your the worst person ever (as some bees did on my post!)

 

but, this guy is a douche…. u need to talk to your fi and tell him its in appropraite for his froend to talk about u like this…. and his friends deserves a good ass whooping …. who talks about your friends wife to be like that?! *shakes head*…

 

talk to your hubby, and explain it makes u feel really bad, and that you demand his friend stops talking about u like that…. ask why their friendship is soo important to him, and make him understand that wht his friend is saying about u, he shouldnt be okay with… tell him “your friend doesnt have to like me, but he has to respect me out of respect for you….”

 

Post # 58
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I’ve been following this thread and just wanted to say that while I don’t think you should call off your wedding over this by any means I do think that the burden to handle it has now fallen to you.

If I were you I’d do my best to totally forget what I’d seen while snooping (don’t do that *handslap*). Next time this guy says something rude publically – aka over facebook where you can see it, not by snooping! – send him a message and cc it to your Fiance.

State clearly that you don’t know what his problem is but you aren’t going anywhere and if he wants to be part of the very long life you plan to live with your future husband he needs to shape up and cut the crap. I’d do it in very strong language, personally, but I’m kind of a bitch like that.

Then, I’d sit Fiance down and say “I’m your wife, I’m not going to be treated like this by your friend and I expect that you wouldn’t accept that treatment of me either.”

After that, drop it. It’s done.

Post # 59
Member
387 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

There is NOWAY I will invite a person calling me A WHORE IN PUBLIC, and said that our wedding SUCKS to our wedding, I agree this friend needs to go, and your Fiance should stand up by yourside himself, your Fiance was also being a dick here, I’m sorry if this offends you. 

Post # 60
Member
537 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@TwoCityBride:  + 1

EDIT – It would be a cold day in hell when that kind of prick would be permitted to come to my WEDDING.   

Post # 61
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@nerdysarah:  +1!!!!!!

Also, I would contact Dr. Douchebag, maybe over Facebook, and just ask him what his problem is. I am very much the confrontational type, so I would absolutely want to call him out on his behaviour.

Another poster had mentioned that guys deal with things differently. I’ve found that to be true. My DH’s friend isn’t too fond of me and has taken to distancing himself from DH. It seems common in the women I know, the if an issue comes up, friendship is over right now. With guys, they tend to try to work things through. I would bet your Fiance never responded to that text because he’s trying to figure out how to best deal with this.

If I were you, I would put my foot down though and say Mr. Douchebag isn’t invited to the wedding, period. Your wedding is a day where you deserve to be surrounded by family and friends who love and support your relationship. He obviously doesn’t. If you Fiance contests that, ask him straight out why he supports his friend calling you a whore. He’ll probably say he doesn’t, but his lack of action on that speaks volumes in his lack of support for you. It’s time for him to stand up for his future wife.

Post # 62
Member
696 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I know a lot of other posters think that a really good guy wouldn’t allow a friend to talk to you this way, but sometimes friendships are more complicated than that, and much more difficult to end (or modify) than they should be. I think you need to find out why your Fiance feels so much loyalty towards this man. From everything you’ve said, I can’t imagine he’s a very good friend to your Fiance… Does he feel guilty that all of his other friends have left this one man behind? I’ve been that person several times in my life; I’ve put up with toxic friendships because I was worried for the individual, and felt like they had no one else to turn to in their lives. I was scared that if I walked away, they would be alone and even more unhappy. It never changed, and it took my SO to tell me that “friends” don’t treat you this way. Maybe you need to be firmer with your Fiance and remind him that a friendship shouldn’t require this kind of sacrifice, and that by not putting his foot down, he is enabling his friend’s destructive behavior. If it’s just a guilt thing on your FI’s end, if you can help show him that he isn’t really doing his friend any favors, he might be more willing to at least distance himself from the friendship. 

At the very least, he needs to learn how to tell his friend that you are an off-limits subject; this friend had better leave you alone, and not say another word against you. No “friend” would treat another friend’s SO this way. 

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