(Closed) I snooped in my fiances texts and found msgs to his ex…

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
4659 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Um? It sounds pretty harmless? Happy birthday, a short and encouraging-but-unemotional response to her work, and a mutually known person’s death. Seems like the most harmless possible things to talk to an ex about. Is it possible you’re overreacting? Would he REALLY get upset if you briefly corresponded with an ex about the death of someone you both know? It just all seems quite impersonal things he might say to anyone from his past that he doesn’t actively hate. What’s so awful about maintaining a distant-but-polite relationship with an ex? I just can’t imagine this being upsetting to any reasonable person.

Post # 4
206 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Hmm, I would approach it in a very nonchalant way. He clearly loves you and wants to be with you forever so the girl isn’t a threat, or at least she shouldn’t be. I know the whole history and ex thing can be an issue, but they are just exchanging small talk, nothing more.. in my opinion. I would try my best to approach it and have it not end in a fight. Good luck!

Post # 5
502 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I communicate with my ex on occasion in a similar manner, we were together for seven years and split amicably. I have chosen not to stop communication with someone who was such a big part of my life and who I genuinely care about, and my Fiance has done the same in the past. This sounds like a similar situation. I think you are being overly sensitive.


Post # 6
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Bebealways:  It just all seems quite impersonal things he might say to anyone from his past that he doesn’t actively hate. What’s so awful about maintaining a distant-but-polite relationship with an ex? I just can’t imagine this being upsetting to any reasonable person.”


Yeah, this.

I feel like you shouldn’t bring it up, as I see it OP is way more in the wrong for snooping than the Fiance is for writing polite texts to an ex. I get that people get jealous, but he hasn’t given you a reason to be upset at all. 






Post # 7
9083 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Just because they’re exes doesn’t mean they have to be mortal enemies. I am good friends with a few of my exes and we talk, quite casually, on a near daily basis. We make better friends than we did lovers.

He has a friendship with his ex and it sounds harmless. Why on earth would you confront him over saying he’s rooting for her? He isn’t banging her, he’s just encouraging her. It’s nice to know your hometown thinks you’re doing a good job.

Post # 8
1902 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

I totally agree with the previous posters – these aren’t the kinds of texts you would send to an ex you still had feelings for, these are the kinds of texts you send to a friend at major points in their lives.

I’m normally not one to have a go at the OPs, but given that you snooped through his phone (and most likely read through quite a few texts to get to these ones), and you managed to find these three or four texts and consider that your fiance might be cheating, I would have some concerns about your trust for your fiance.

Post # 9
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Yep. PPs covered it. You are in the wrong here. He’s polite and there’s nothing at all wrong with these messages. 

Post # 10
2361 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Peeeeersonally i find I weird he’s texting his ex (even thou-yes they are harmless) I just don’t see the point. Ur exes for a reason and broke up for a reason and personally I really wonder if exes can be friends , civil yes thou!!! So id say he’s only being civil but I can still see why your a bit weirded out by it cos I would be 

Post # 11
837 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@teebee85:  While I agree with the others that the correspondence is harmless and very infrequent, I have a different concern.


I was with someone for three years who saw any communication with an ex — ANY communication, in ANY way, about ANY topic, and even if I’d only ever just had feelings for that other person way, way in the past — as a violation and disrespectful of our relationship. He would be livid.


Hell, he was livid. I didn’t understand it at the time, but one of the biggest reasons we didn’t work out was because we viewed relationship dynamics very differently. He was wildly jealous any time I so much as mentioned any male colleagues at work, but if I avoided mentioning them or said “my coworker” instead of “him”, that was just as much of a neon sign to him that I was talking about a male. And, clearly, if I was talking about a guy then I obviously felt an attraction to him, because why else would it stick in my brain to remember for later? I was young. I was naive. I did not understand that this was jealousy and a need to control the situation. I tried really hard to feel the way he felt about it. But I didn’t, and I couldn’t make myself. So I would, on occasion, send a harmless email to people who found me on Facebook. When he found out, he went crazy. But then he went and did the same thing to me. I didn’t have a problem with him contacting exes. But I had a problem with the notion that he found it disrespectful but did it anyway, thus disrespecting mebased on his own rules. 


To bring this back around to your situation, if your fiancé would have a problem with you contacting an ex (any and / or all exes), but then he does the very same, it says to me that he doesn’t have the same respect for you that he asks of you. This is the only way I see this as a problem. I have a very hard time dealing with double standards in relationships. In all things, but especially in a relationship that is meant to be equal, and mutually respectful. 


If the texts and the act of texting truly don’t bother you, I wouldn’t bring it up. In fact, it’s a very difficult situation to approach, anyway. You either mention that you were looking through his phone, which is rude, or you try to bring it up in a roundabout way and catch him in a lie (or hope he tells the truth), which is sneaky in a bad way. If your relationship is one where you can be direct, I would go for it. 


Note: I didn’t tell that story to try to work you up. I told it only to explain why I would see it that way. It is entirely possible, and even likely, that you guys don’t have “rules” about exes.

Post # 12
380 posts
Helper bee

Well, this all sounds very harmless. Personally, I think he sounds like a wonderful and compassionate guy for sending her congrats and condolences.

Post # 13
987 posts
Busy bee

If the majority of texts are from months ago then I don’t see the issue here at all? And talking about the loss of a friend/acquiantance/whatever is just the right thing to do. He doesn’t have her number saved and it isn’t as if they’re texting every day so just leave it. There sounds like there is nothing at all wrong in your relationship other than the fact that you snooped.

You say that there wasn’t even any reason to snoop so just forget about it and don’t make something big out of absolutely nothing.

Post # 14
1218 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I think the texts are harmless, but I do see it as an issue that you believe your Fiance would not be happy if you were sending similar texts to an ex. I think it’s unfair that what is not OK for you is apparently OK for him. This is what I would be addressing if you did want to discuss this with him.

Post # 15
1714 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

Sounds pretty harmless to me. 

Post # 16
4495 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

They’re pretty benign texts so I would just let it go. If you bring it up I think things would lead into why you looked at his phone, do you not trust him, etc. I wouldn’t have a problem with my Fiance having correspondence of that nature with an ex. If he went out of his way to hide it then I’d be upset, but not mentioning something and hiding something are two different things.

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