(Closed) I snooped in my fiances texts and found msgs to his ex…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think the messages are harmless, but I do think you should say something. I only think you should say something because it seems to be bothering you.  I wouldnt make it a big deal or anything though.  I also do not think he was trying to hide it from you.  He left his phone out its not like you had to go grab it while he was sleeping to look. 

Post # 33
Member
405 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

my Fiance and i personally have a rule against contacting exes or talking to exes, so i would be pretty upset. however, PP are right in the fact that the texts seem very harmless. if the content was even a bit flirtatious, then this is a completely different matter. 

i think you should talk to Fiance if it makes you that uncomfortable. that way you’re communicating your feelings and not supressing anything negative…and you won’t have to think some crazy ‘is he cheating’ scenarios in your mind. i hope everything works out! 

Post # 34
Member
2966 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I think he’s just being polite. 

Post # 35
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

@teebee85:  I think it depends. If he has told you that he has no contact with his ex and you just found out that he was lying, then I would confront him. I agree with the PP that it sounds *harmless* but if he was lying about it, there’s a reason for that.

If he was open with you about keeping in contact with her and you said you were okay with that, then there’s no need to ask him about it. He isn’t required to tell you about every text message he sends to her so long as you know the relationship still exists.

I’d only be concerned if it was lie, not necessarily with the content of the messages.

 

Post # 36
Member
603 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@teebee85:  let it go for sure!…I have a good relationship with one of my exs and we talk or email…not a lot of course but from time to time…it is all above board and it is normally talking about our kids but not always…when his family are sick or whatever it would be normal for me to text or email him to chat…dont worry it sounds harmless:)

Post # 37
Member
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@BoxerLady:  +1.  Agreed.

Post # 38
Member
2120 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017

I occasionally talk to two of my exes on facebook with whom I split amicably also saying happy birthday once a year and asking about their jobs.

I really don’t see a problem with what your Fiance said to her and I wouldn’t bring it up.. Your Fiance might be really upset that you snooped and worry that you might not trust him which could set off doubts in him, and there’s just no need to cause an argument over something so small when I actually think your crime of snooping than what he did.

Post # 39
Member
2755 posts
Sugar bee

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@Vikstar:  +1

My ex and I are exes for a reason, but he was one of my best friends for 7 years and I see no need to completely cut all ties with him just because we used to have an intimate relationship. My SO knows that our conversations don’t go beyond talking about work or mutual friends’ happenings.

Sounds pretty harmless to me, I mean it’s like 5 texts in a year and all very bland topics? Confront if you wish, but it seems like inviting trouble where it doesn’t exist.

Post # 40
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

The only real bad guy in this scenario is you, unfortunately.  Do not look through your partner’s phone. Ever.  The “it was just laying there. . .” is no excuse.  It’s a complete and utter invasion of privacy and if you do bring it up, be prepared for the tables to be turned on YOU.

 

Post # 41
Member
1293 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

View original reply
@vorpalette:  lol. My Fiance has a couple of evil exes too (and a couple who still *love* him).

We have a no ex rule, so I’d be very pissed if I discovered my FI was still in contact with any of them. Every relationship is different though with different boundaries. As long as both people are comfortable with the ex contact (and there isn’t a double standard with just one person being allowed to keep up contact), then I don’t see an issue.

Post # 42
Member
1461 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

I agree that the messages appear totally harmless on the surface.  But I can understand your concern if you had no clue that he was in contact with his ex at all, which seems to be the case.  I’d casually bring it up with him and see what he says.  It will probably turn out to be nothing!

Post # 43
Member
1352 posts
Bumble bee

Ok I disagree with those who say he hid it. My ex and I text once in a while, but I’m not going to go telling my SO every single time, because it really doesn’t matter. If my SO is interested, he can read them for himself. I’ll tell him if my ex says something stupid or interesting, but mostly our text are like what your Fiance wrote (impersonal, boring). 

As for the snooping… were you really snooping? I occasionally go through my SO’s phone, mostly when it’s near me and I’m bored. It’s not snooping because I’m not actually looking for anything and my SO can see me do it. I find how he interacts with his friends mildly entertaining. But if you were really LOOKING for something suspicious, I’d deal with that. You did overreact, which could have been due to expecting to find something and finding those texts that appears to corroborate your suspicions… I agree with PP, there’s something else going on here.

Anyways, *hugs* just talk to your Fiance about your problems, maybe bring up the ex (NOT the snooping) and see how indifferent he seems talking about her. That may set your mind at ease, but you should really deal with your insecurities on your own. 

Post # 44
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

uhm, leave him alone. He didn’t do anything wrong

Post # 45
Member
7643 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I wouldn’t say anything because the biggest thing wrong with this is you snooped, and he is going to be upset that you couldn’t trust him. He didn’t do anything wrong. He was being polite and friendly.

Post # 46
Member
1555 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I wouldn’t bring it up. I don’t think that the messages you found are anything to worry about. It’s not like there was anything sexual, talking about meeting up, etc. I feel like the issue here is that you felt the need to go through his phone.

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