I’m back for the update bees. As you may have guessed I went offline as I discussed all of this with my husband. It was hard. I went for a run and prayed first. I tried to be calm when I brought it up. I told him I know that he’s been deleting messages, clearing his browser history, watching porn, using fb to check out women including this exes.
He didn’t deny the porn, the deleted messages or history, or looking into his exes on fb but he denied using fb to check out women.
He denied my weight being a factor. Said its all him. He’s the reason. Admitted its been going on for some time but didn’t say how long. I didn’t ask. He actually acknowledged the porn use effecting his performance. Also his attitude toward me. He said Monday after he watched porn he realized how its been effecting us and was trying to make it right. Which leaves me quationing if its only been since Monday how often did he do it to begin with? But I didn’t ask.
I do believe him about Monday though. He admitted the first thing he did Monday morning was go watch porn. He wakes up before me and when I woke up he seemed annoyed with me. He didn’t text me much at first like he does either but about midday is when he started being overly affectionate and nice to me. He said on Monday he realized instead of sneaking off to the bedroom he should have been spending time building me up, fixing our issues. Instead of watching other women.
Let me be clear, these are not MY rules, these are ours and many people follow these rule . Many of our friends hold the ESE same beliefs. I’m not some Nazi and I would expect him to do the same if I wasn’t wanting to have sex but was wrapped Justice of the Peace in erotica orsomething.
Well he seemed to be more upset than Iwas. I told him while God may look at him as a cheater I don’t but knowing that while our sex life is suffering he is finding other outlets rather than work it out with me and that was hurtful for me. He broke my trust in him and is a different person than I thought. I reassured him that he was still a good man, that all of us make mistakes. But that this mistake has shaken my trust. And it has.
When we discussed our boundaries every time he’s said “I’ve never really been into porn anyways so that’s not a problem”. Clearly this was a lie. The hidden emails and deleted history make me worry he will hide things.
He promised he wouldn’t and as I sat reflecting I knew I needed to forgive him. He didn’t sleep with another woman. While my faith says he may has well have, my heart isn’t broken like it would be if he had. We alhave our weak moments and I know I’ve let God down more than this has let Him down and I couldn’t shake the feeling of being a hypocrite so I forgave him. Told him we have work to do to fix the side effects of this (mainly my confidence in him and our marriage, also his hiding things).
So we will be meeting with a church leader to discuss where to go fromhere.
He didn’t really have a reason, as I suspect no one has a good reason when they are caught doing something they shouldn’t be doing. I just want to vomit knowing he admits the porn has been affecting our sex life. This is why lust is a nono to our faith, so often it leads to more. In this case it was leading to my husband getting frustrated and unable to perform with me only so have could run off with videos of women who are not his spouse to take care of him.