(Closed) I snooped. Where to go from here?

posted 4 years ago in Christian
Post # 45
Member
401 posts
Helper bee

Marriage counseling is definitely the way to go. I wouldn’t be able to function in a relationship with those sorts of boundaries, but he did agree to them, as did you. I do think though, that as people grow and change in a relationship, sometimes the terms of the relationship need to be re-negotiated. I am not saying that you must change your way of thinking, and if he does feel that way, he should have spoken to you first before stepping out of the boundaries you both agreed on. I think a counselor can help you navigate this.

Also, FWIW, I used to work for liveJasmin. It was either a pop up, as others have said (it pops up on nearly every free porn site) or if he did actually access the site, you can only preview the rooms for free, it kicks you out after like 40 seconds or something. Unless there’s charges on a card, he didn’t actually interact with the girls, or not for long anyway (and I can tell you from experience there’s not much patience with non paying customers, so he wouldn’t have gotten much more than a hello). 

Post # 46
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Cheekie0077:  On the other hand, he might be watching the porn to get aroused and thinks this might help him.

Post # 47
Member
1888 posts
Buzzing bee

I would suggest counseling, it sounds like you could use a third party to mediate these issues. These rules and the constant surveillance is creating a situation where he doesn’t feel he can be honest with you, and you feel betrayed. I tend to think there’s already something wrong when you don’t trust your partner to the extent that you’re this deep in his FB messages.

Post # 48
Member
4044 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

nycsa:  could be! I just don’t think its a good sign that he’s having trouble performing suddenly either way…

Post # 49
Member
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I seriously doubt that watching porn has caused his inability to function with you; it is much more likely that he is watching porn in order to get aroused because he is unable to with you.  I know many men (my Fiance and most of my exes included) who watch plenty of porn and are still perfectly able to function in the bedroom.

IF he’s able to function while watching porn but not with you, then there is something else going on, and it may well be related to your weight gain.  But since we don’t know if or how he functions while watching porn, it’s impossible to say for sure.  

 

Post # 50
Member
3114 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

MelissainNC:  Porn addiction regularly causes the inability to perform with a partner, however since it’s only been a couple of weeks and no proof that this has been an ongoing issue, I wouldn’t jump to that conclusion. All we are doing is speculating here, OP you need to talk to him.

Post # 51
Member
313 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I’m most concerned about why you feel that he needs these rules.  It’s not about breaking them, it’s about having to make them in the first place.  The trust issue here is bigger than a bunch of rules that aren’t really going to keep your marriage safe.  A cheater is going to cheat whether he or she is “allowed” to have friends of the opposite sex.  I think counseling is warranted for trust issues and self esteem. 

Post # 52
Member
815 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Mrslovebug:  girl, so first of all I believe in God, but I’m not religious as in the way you guys probably are. for ME all these things would be ‘cheating’,too. Especially the deleting of emails. Porn is not cheating for me but it’s hurtful. I wouldn’t divorce because of it because men will always watch porn, whether they admit it or not. I dont know about my fi watching it, so I will naively believe he doesnt, but pretty sure at least sometimes he does. ANYWAY back to topic: you need to talk to him and find out WHY he does all of it and if he plans to stop and if so, how/when he will stop. You gaining weight is one thing, I get if your husband might not like it, but he should also talk to you about it and maybe even offer to work out or cook healthy with you?

 

I generally think snooping around is wrong, but once you feel the urge to do so there is often a reason…. 🙁

Post # 55
Member
4238 posts
Honey bee

Mrslovebug:  

My advice? Lots of prayers and as much counseling as you both can attend (attend alone, if need be).

Hang in there, Bee.

 

eta: ah, you updated while I was thinking about what to type. I’m so glad to hear that you both will be seeking counsel. I’m sure you will find it helpful. Chin up, Bee. FWIW, I still believe in redemption; I hope you do the same.

 

Post # 56
Member
239 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Considering your faith, I find it weird that all of that is considered adulatory but with your faith apparently having sex before marriage is acceptable? Doesn’t really make sense….

Post # 57
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

I understand that you both set up these boundaries, but honestly it looks like you are both setting each other up to fail. Best of luck to you, but I think it would be healthier for you both to acknowledge that you are both human, and that you can’t speak for God. 

Post # 59
Member
4242 posts
Honey bee

ValAsInVal:  This, 100%.

OP, you say you both agreed to these rules and while he may have said he agreed, his behaviour says otherwise. Maybe time to re-evaluate some things? 

Post # 60
Member
2424 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: NJ

I know you didn’t want to hear this, Bee, but there is only one God, and you can have Him in your life as much as you want, without these rules.

You don’t seem to have much joy in this way of living, and I believe God is joy.

Just think about it.

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