(Closed) I spilled the beans about friend’s cheating *almost* ex-husband

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Yeahhh this is a VERY Sticky situation…b/c on one hand morals are morals…and nobody should expect for anyone to keep secrets when they are doing wrong. If you dont want ppl to know you shouldnt be doing it!! But then on the other hand it puts u in an awkward position with your husband…FORGET everybody else the cheating friend, the ex wife, the mutual friend, etc. Your main focus right now should be hashing it out with your husband and getting together on the same page. You should tell him how you REALLy feel and that his ex-wife already knew about the girl, and all that. THen you should get him to understand that it is not fair for him to tell you all these things and expect you not to share, let him know that in the future you would rather NOT know. Also, let him know that he should’ve had your back with his friend and say something like “yeah well its not my wife’s fault you are a good for nothing man” (okay most men probably wouldnt say that, but that would’ve made you feel a lot better)

Post # 4
Member
2539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

Im sorry….but you should have kept your mouth shut. Even if your hubby didnt say “dont tell anyone” it should have been common sense, the situation already has so much drama. that was not your place. yes the the ex that is cheating is wrong, but you need to be there to support your friend not create more rumors and drama.

You def need to find a way to fix this situation, and get the trust back from your husband. Sorry you guys are in the middle of this. This is why my Fiance and i stay out of drama, esp other people relationship drama.

Now thier issues have become yours….. NOT GOOD

Post # 5
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I understand why you told her, but it still wasn’t right. I think you need to sit your husband down and tell him you no longer want to hear these things, because it puts you in this situation, where you feel obligated to tell your friends what is going on. He should have stood up to this asshole and defended you, because if the guy wasn’t a sleezebag, then you wouldn’t have had anything to tell in the first place! But, I think from now on, you are just better off not knowing, and if your husband can’t keep it to himself, then maybe he needs to not hang out with these guys when they are discussing all the lies they tell/keep from their wives (sounds like he’s got a real classy bunch of friends)

Post # 6
Member
2095 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

In my case my husband would not expect me to keep my mouth shut if he knew I was friends with her and if he did then he should have expleicitly said don;t tell her. Sorry but this is a nasty situation for all involved and the ex of this girl is stupid for braggin all over the place anyway.

Post # 7
Member
2792 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think they’re being immature boys. If you don’t want someone to know something, don’t go flaunting it all over town.

Yes, maybe you also should’ve kept quiet, but the divorce proceedings had already started, and if it was me, I’d want to know. I think they (your husband included- why doesn’t he have YOUR back?) are more at fault than you.

Post # 9
Member
14444 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

If ex dude is running around town flaunting his new girl, and ex wife/friend already knows… all info is fair game to me.  If he wants to keep it hush hush, then dont flaunt her.  The divorce is already happening, who cares what he does with who at this point anyways.  Exwife/friend wanted to know, I probably would have told her too since she already knew so much.

Post # 10
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

From here on out, you and your husband need to communicate better about what is a ‘secret’ and what is public information. Use this as a learning experience about why you need to determine this ahead of time so your Darling Husband can still share things with you in confidence adn the trust is not broken.

Also, yes you are beign put in a really crappy position. Even though you aren’t the one cheating adn lying, you are becoming teh scapegoat for this db. So he gets to cheat and lie and make everyone uncomfortable, but it’s your fault for talking about something that was already public. And now the db can get mad at your SO for telling you. So now it’s everyones’ fault but his.

Right now, the ex wife needs you as a friend. So still hang out with her and listen to her side of the story and let her voice frustrations, but don’t let her make you the messenger. You’ve heard everything second hand and you don’t know what’s true or not, so it’s best if you just keep it to yourself. She will probably continue to press you for information, but don’t feel bad telling her that you’d rather not get involved in that way.

Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
5183 posts
Bee Keeper

I think you are both right. Your husband said himself that he didn’t know it was a secret, so how were you supposed to know it was a secret second hand? I am sure you didn’t say anything to “out” the guy.. it was just casual convo (or so it seems to me). My Fiance would also tells me stuff about his friends…luckily we don’t have many couple friends that we are both close to. I would have told Fiance that I felt really conflicted if one was cheating and I knew about it. 

Post # 11
Member
1851 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@MrsSl82be: this!

@libra-baby: This is a difficult situation. I don’t think either one of you was right/wrong, but in this situation, I’m going to say that you probably shouldn’t have said anything. The reasons I’m going to give for “you shouldn’t have said anything” are #1) If your husband is telling you information, it should probably stay between the two of you and #2) I can’t imagine that this information about the gf helped ANYONE…most definitely not your friend. I mean, they’re already almost divorced, she’s going through a rough time, and on top of it to find even more information that makes her even more sad? I just think this was a situation that should have been handled more privately.

That said, if keeping these secrets is hard for you, I would tell husband that you are not going to keep these secrets anymore and that if his friends tell him secrets, he can keep them to himself.

And his friends sound like a**holes. I sure wouldn’t want my Fiance hanging out with a group of guys that have a lot of secrets from their wives.

 

Post # 13
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I know people are saying your husband should de-friend this guy, but honestly I wouldn’t jump to that conclusion. We all make mistakes and do stupid things from tiem to time and need our friends to support us and not disown us because of it. If he’s a good friend, he will be there for the db ultimately but try to get him to do the right thing, whatever that is!

Post # 15
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@libra-baby: for whatever reason, some guys just have a hard time telling their friends they are wrong about anything.  I don’t think you should mention their friendship, I think when you guys sit down, you should only address the part where he is being more supportive of his friend than his wife. My used to be best friend was cheated on by her bf a lot, and all our friends knew it, he was open about it, but she just apparently never heard, or pretended like she knew nothing about it. i finally told her the truth, gave her names of the girls, specific dates of when she was away or he was, and all kinds of stuff. She asked him ,he denied it, and we stopped being friends. This was 5 years ago, she’s still with him, and she still believes the lies he told her. I don’t think he’s cheating anymore, but I don’t know, and honestly don’t care. At first, hubs took it hard, because he was his best friend, and I broke the 4 of us up. But, he came around, especially when all my girl friends congratulated me on telling her, and thanking me for knowing that if I ever knew anything about their SO’s, I would tell them. I think it really hit home when I was confiding in his sister, and she hugged me and thanked me for being me, and appreciating the fact that I would never not tell her something (not that I think any of their relationships are in jeapordy, but if they were, I would say something). He finally realized that from a guy’s pov, you don’t say anything, but from a girl, you do. I do, anyway. I would rather lose another frienship, than keep quiet. But that’s just me.

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