(Closed) I suck at opening up and talking about my "emotions."

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

All I can say is that most people feel this way so don’t feel like you’re a freak of nature.  🙂  For me the only thing worse is confrontation but, alas, both are required in life. 

Maybe it would be easier for you to start out by writing your feelings down on paper.  Believe me once you open up to someone it really helps you emotionally.  The hardest thing is opening up the first time.  It’s uncomfortable and embarrassing.  You’re scared to death that he’ll think your silly or stupid or he’ll laugh or scoff at you.  If he truly loves you he’ll do none of these things.  As hard as it is to open up it’s much more difficult to carry around all your emotional baggage for the rest of your life.  It does get easier…I promise. 

Post # 4
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I have some resistance to sharing my feelings. I learned it was sometimes easier to A) Explain to my Fiance that its hard for me and 2) Write them out… Its sooo much easier for me sometimes (especially stressful times) to take my time to write it out and give it to him rather than have the sicilian explosion and not even address the issue at hand. I know it may seem kind of silly at first but its much better than fighting or bottling it up. Good Luck!

Post # 5
Member
1170 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@Paiger8:  Are you afraid that by acknowledging your feelings things will change? Sometimes by voicing our feelings they become real and you have lived in this place where you dont have  deal with reality. You obviously have feelings but by not expressing them those around you may feel like you have a wall up.

If you have walls up around your feelings and emotions then your Fiance might feel that your blocking him out. If you keep things to yourself how can he ever know if your relationship is marriage worthy.

You have to open up or risk losing him, 

 

Post # 6
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I agree with the pp, it’s hard for everybody.

My entire family is like this. Without going into a ton of details, just know that nobody talks about their feelings, my brother and I didn’t grow up in a sharing our feelings kind of family, and we existed like that for quite a while. It’s really not healthy at all. I know that you said that things don’t build up inside you (and it’s possible that they don’t — I find that “removing myself” from a bad situation usually works pretty well in order to plow through and not let the hard shit bother me), but in reality, this behavior can take down something special, like a relationship.

 

I know that this sounds so cliche, but after I broke up with my (ex)fiance, I went into therapy (with a social worker). I had let a relationship that was not great for me go on for much too long (not really having to do with my non-sharing personality, but that certainly didn’t help  — I’m NOT implying that you’re in the wrong relationship).  Working through the other stuff helped me to be a better talker and sharer and communicator in general. I had to communicate. I sat in a room with someone who was paid to listen to me.

My heightened communication skills came in VERY VERY VERY handy in my new relationship, the right one for me, with my new husband. Seriously. We would have burned if it weren’t for our fantastic communication.

 

I know it seems like the last thing you want to do, but talking things out with someone who’s feelings you aren’t going to hurt (your therapist) helps to prepare you for the conversations with the people with whom they need to be had.

Post # 8
Member
8103 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Paiger8:  What about writing? Many people find it much easier to express themselves in writing. Try writing out your part of the conversation, even if you’re sitting right next to each other. 

Also, here is a formula that has changed my life. For real. The first few times, it’s hard because nobody likes confrontation, but pretty soon, it becomes second nature and is such an easy healthy way to express negative emotions. It goes like this (this is you talking):

When you _____________________________ (Say or write what you’re upset about)

I feel _______________________________(Say or write how it makes you feel. Think about it and be honest.)

because _____________________________. (Say or write why you feel that way)

[Pause to allow them to respond. They might or might not. If they do, listen to them before continuing, but still continue. Do not allow yourself to become distracted or baiting into an argument or change of subject.]

I would like you to consider ________________________ (Say or write what you want them to do differently)

What do you think about that?

[Listen to what they say.]

Here’s an example:

When you interrupt me while I’m talking

If feel hurt and angry and a little bit stupid

because it seems like you don’t care what I have to say, or don’t think my thoughts are important.  

[Pause. Maybe he says “I don’t interrupt you!” or “I don’t even realize I’m doing it.” or “I already know what you’re going to say, so I’m just moving the conversation along faster.” Maybe he says nothing. Regardless, you listen, but don’t argue or get drawn off-topic.]

I would like you to consider letting me finish what I’m saying before you add your thoughts.

What do you think of that?

You will blow people away with this honesty and take your relationships to a new level of openness and respect.

Best wishes!!

Post # 10
Member
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Confrontation sucks!  My husband and I were discussing that this afternoon.  We don’t “bull up” and quit talking because it just makes things 1000 times worse.  While you’re not talking you start analyzing things, dwell on the situation, and drive yourself crazy.  I would do this in a heartbeat because it’s the way I was raised.  Like your parents mine didn’t fight either.  The would just quit talking for days and when they were finally over it they started talking again. 

I make myself talk it out and get it over with.  There have been 2 situation before we got married that I ran from fights.  One time I hung up the phone on him.  I called him back immediately, apologized for hanging up, and then told him why I was mad.  The other time I got in my car and left.  I made it about 1/10th of a mile before I made myself turn around, go back, and confront him.

Once you open up those lines of communication your relationship will absolutely get stronger and you’ll grow emotionally.  All in all it’s what’s best for you.

Start slow and work on things.  Really do the writing thing at first.  Even if you write how you’re feeling just for you to read it then throw it away or delete it.  Good luck to you.  🙂

Post # 11
Member
8103 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Paiger8:  I’m so glad! And because I’m such a busybody, here’s another idea. It looks silly, but it really opens things up in a not-deathly-serious way. Use one of these (google “emotion chart” and pick one you like) and point to how you’re feeling. There are a lot of choices and nuances. Instead of “I’m mad!” you might look at the chart and realize a better description would be embarrassed or disappointed or resentful. Use it for positive feelings too. Are you proud, excited, grateful? Point it out!

 

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