Post # 1
I just need to get this out. For a number of years, I felt a womderful mothering instinct and was excited to eventually have a baby. My boyfriend and I recently visited his friend out of state who has a 5 month old, and from that point going forward it’s like the switch turned “off” in me and I really don’t want kids. I like kids who are older, maybe 3 and up… but I can’t seem to want a baby. I have to say that the couple with the 5 month old was insane… they were completely obsessed with the baby and neither one of them were happy. The whole house revolved around when the baby was sleeping and we had to sit quietly 90% of the time without talking.
Has anyone else experienced this? Do you get that mothering instinct back at all? I’m afraid I won’t EVER want a baby and I don’t want to marry my boyfriend if that is the case and prevent him from having a family.
Post # 3
- Wedding: March 2009 - Byodo-In Temple, Luau Reception
I get where you are coming from. While I can’t wait to be a mother and definitely want kids, I would love to skip the baby stage and go straight to the toddler stage. We do plan on having biological kids (if we are able to), but I definitely want to adopt too. Hubbers and I already agreed to adopting a child in the 2-6 age range to skip the whole baby stage. My step-son is 5 and he is such a fun age. They are like sponges and sooo willing and wanting to learn.
Post # 4
I feel bad, because my boyfriend blew it off like I would “get over it”. And then when it came up a few weeks later, he said it was “human” to take care and nurture babies. I mean, I wouldn’t abandon a baby anyways… but I just don’t have that desire to make an infant my whole world. He looked at me like I was crazy and I’m beginning to think something is wrong with me.
Post # 5
In the grand scheme of things, the baby stage doesn’t last that long… And, every couple is different when it comes to parenting. Sure the baby takes a lot of place in your life because it’s totally dependant on you, but it’s definitely not necessary to “sit quietly” – I mean, some babies will sleep in a huge crowd during a noisy hockey game!As for being a happy couple after having children… Well, being parents is probably the most stressful thing that can happen to your relationship, and you will not be happy if you forget to nurture your relationship and focus everything on the baby. Soooo… I guess it all depends on your gameplan as a couple and how you choose your parenting style.I wouldn’t give it up because of the first year of the life of your child though..
Post # 6
i spend a lot of time with friends babies… and when i see them and their baby i get worried about being a mom. babies are loud, and i get migraines. but i just have hope that it’s different with your baby, and everything will be worth it and ok.
Post # 7
It might be interesting to observe the way different parnets/families handle kids. Sounds like the friends you visited were one extreme. I have other friends who take their 3 month old camping. So really the skies the limit. Yes having a kid is DEFINITELY life changing and an adjustment…. but your life doens’t have to be solely about the baby 🙂
Your feelings may change, they may not. But keep an open mind. Looks like you have 3 years until your wedding date. Lots of time to explore your thoughts with your boyfriend.
Post # 8
I think this is natural. I don’t think the “mothering” thing is something that you have or don’t have—I think it develops. I’m currently have ambivalent feelings toward having children, but I am expecting that to shift a bit once we’re married and have been our own official family for several years. In other words, don’t freak out yet. 🙂
Post # 9
Have you watched Sex and the City at all? It sounds like you went from a Charlotte to a Miranda. I think that it’s important for you to focus on the fact that everyone is different, and not everyone reacts to babies the way your friends did. I think you shouldn’t worry too much about how that visit made you view babies. You may just as easily watch a tv show about babies and be turned back on again. I know for me the desire to have kids ebbed and flowed. At first I wanted kids, then I just wanted dogs, then I wanted to adopt, then I wanted my own baby. Then I got pregnant so there was no turning back, LOL. But don’t freak out too much over your feelings now. They can change.
If you’re not sure they will or not sure you want them too, I would talk with your boyfriend about it. I know for some people that biological kids is a big deal, so being open and honest is important.
Post # 10
I think its natural too. I want kids, but not now… not for a good while. 🙂
Have you spent a lot of time around babies in general, or is it an age that you haven’t experienced a lot of? I would try to spend some time with some more babies just to see different parenting styles and different temperments.
Just from my experience, toddlers can be harder to deal with than babies. They’ve developed their own little wills and temper tantrums make most of that cuteness fly right out the window haha. 🙂
Post # 11
Not everyone loves children at the baby stage. Some enjoy kids at the toddler, or 6-8, or teen range. Just because the baby stage isn’t your favorite doesn’t mean you should give up wanting kids altogether. They don’t stay little for long!
Post # 12
I do NOT go goo goo ga ga over babies and kids in general. I held my 8 month old niece for a whole whopping 30 seconds yesterday before she started crying. Hey, I tried! haha. But my 3 year old nephew is definitely at a more palatable stage for me. Although he can definitely be a handful. Being a nurturing mom is something I’m going to have to learn. It’s NOT something I was born with. My mom always tells me it’s different when it’s your OWN. She says, “just trust me okay?” and I do. I feel bad b/c i’m not exactly the ideal aunt to my niece and nephew–they’re cute but I don’t spend much time with them and I don’t really know what to do with them. It’s awkward but there are so many people in DH’s family who love little kids, I can go by unnoticed.
Post # 13
Some of my friends that have had kids go through a change that scares me a bit and makes me feel like jeesh I would not want kids if that’s how it has to be. But then there’s enough that make parenting still palatable, yes stressful but they are happy and not toooo obsesssed (ok maybe a little obsessed but they’re functional discussing things besides for their baby).
Were you more scared by their parenting style or by the baby?
Post # 14
I think it depends on the kind of person you are. I don’t think I’d be an OMG MY WORLD REVOLVES AROUND MY KID kind of mom. I think I’d be a “hey we have an awesome new member of the family that fits into OUR lives” kind of mom. I feel like the people who are unhappy are those who change everything when they get pregnant. I still want to be me. Just me with a kid.
Post # 15
Thanks everyone for your insights.
@troubled, I was scared of their parenting style which in turn made me completely uncomfortable holding their baby. Their entire lifes, hours, minutes, and seconds revolved around the baby. Talking about the baby, staring at the baby, making sounds to the baby, and my boyfriend and I were a little uncomfortable. Not only did they change, but they had nannies and BOTH mother in laws coming in an out constantly. Everything was about the baby, and I think it frightened me to think that this could happen to me. Honestly, I will never be obsessed with my child. I have a very fulfilling life and I believe having a child whether biological or adopted should add to that. It would be my responsibility to help them grow up and prepare them to be in society. But to see an entire family completely throw their lives and friends and even relationship to the side for an infant? I didn’t understand that and on some level that made me question my adequency as a future parent. I don’t think I would like my husband to love a child more than he loves me, and ignore me the way it seemed this family worked.
Of course I realize everyone is different, but to be thrown into this environment for 4 days changed something inside of me that said “no, I don’t want that”.
Post # 16
Artichoke- I really do feel that they were on the extreme end of the spectrum! It really doesn’t have to be like that at all.
One of my best friends has a big South Asian family, and her little baby sleeps through all the family events, passed around from person to person the whole time. The baby has a schedule, but she’ll sleep anywhere. There’s no silence and no being limited to the house!
You will be the kind of parent you want to be when you feel ready to be one! (And there is no hurry).