Post # 1
I have a really strong feeling that my SO’s sister doesn’t like me. Something she said to me on Sunday at their mother’s day lunch has been eating at me for the past few days. SO was on his phone looking at new wheels for his car (as boys do) and said something about buying them, to which I replied “there’d really be no point in doing that if you’re selling you’re car so we can get a project car, hun.” And without missing a beat, his sister snapped at me “Why does he have to sell his car?” in a really nasty tone. I replied with “oh, he doesn’t have to, he wants to so he can get a different car and we can get a project car that I can learn to drive manual.” She rolled her eyes and then kept speaking with her brother, SO.
I figured I’d have a tough time winning her over because SO has gone to her when we’ve had rough patches and has said some rather nasty things to her about me in anger, his admission, not mine. But (we) as a couple have since sorted things out and moved past it. I’m talking this was over 9-10 months ago, that he said those things. But I feel as though they are still held against me. It’s completely odd because I get along great with his Mum and Step-dad, who he has also vented about me to. They come from a very protective family, which I completely understand, I adore my two older brothers with all my heart and will do anything to keep them from getting hurt. But I can’t get rid of this niggling feeling that the reason she doesn’t like me is for the same reason SO’s father doesn’t like me: I’m taking their “cash cow” away from them. Her and her father used to treat SO like their own personal bank and ATM and owe him quite a bit of money. Since I’ve come onto the scene and am pushing him to pursue his dream of race car driving, which costs a fair bit of money, the amount of “spare” cash he has to hand out has dwindled.
Just to clarify SO is 27, I’ll be 26 in November, we’ve been together for roughly 18 months. She is 8 years older then him has a 7 yo daughter, and has just recently gotten back together with her ex-FI (not her daughter’s father, he’s out of the picture). I’m completely smitten with her daughter too, so it’s not like I’m horrible to her daughter and that’s why she doesn’t like me.
I have trust issues with females, due to abuse I went through as a child by my mother, but I try really hard to not let this affect my relationship with me SO’s family, especially since I realised I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.
I’m just at a lose as to what I can do to be on her good side. Any thoughts?
Post # 3
He acting out toward you probably does have to do with what he said about you. I have never been in that situation. My Fiance is an only child. It could also be that he was in a relationship before yours with a girl that tried to control him and that is another reason they are acting out. There could be a personal issue as well with his money. Did he really give them that much money? If they cared about him they wouldnt care about his money and would want him to chase his dreams. I would ask your SO if she likes you. I wouldn’t come out and ask why doesnt she like you cause that is jumping to conclusions. See what he says and if he doesnt know what you are talking about explain how you feel. The way they act toward you can easily hinder your relationship.
Post # 4
@krayzay87: IMO, the issue is with your SO and not his sister. Venting is one thing, but venting to mom/step dad/sister is asking for trouble later down the line. Families do not forget, and how could they? Of course they’ll be protective of their son or brother. That coupled with him loaning ( what I am guessing to be ) sizable amounts of money says to me that he may have some boundary issues with them.
I would talk to him about what he feels the family role will be once you’re married, and also establish some guidelines on what aspects of your relationship and finances are “off limits”. For her I would just use the old adage of killing her with kindness.
Post # 5
- Wedding: August 2013 - Wynn Las Vegas
My best friend ALWAYS came to me when her Fiance was being terrible to her. And I mean, he’s really terrible. They have been dating for 5 years now, getting married in June, and I still cannot move past all of the detestable things she has said about him. I am in their wedding, would do anything for her, but it does not seem I will ever warm to him despite his trying to be a decent human when we are around.
Your Fiance really screwed you over by talking about your problems to his family. You will have to work to win his sister over. I’m sure you will in time.
Post # 6
I recommend you implement a new rule: neither of you is allowed to say anything negative about the other to family members. Ever. If my brother told me negative things about his Girlfriend, I’d have a hard time moving on because I love him and I want to protect him from evil women who will break his heart.
Based on the way you phrased the story, it sounds like your SO overheard this exchange between you and his sister but did participate. HE should have told her that selling the car was his decision and something that he wants to do, not you. She will continue to be cold towards you if he doesn’t stand up for you and demonstrate that he loves and supports you. If he steps up, she will move on and I’m sure you can have a normal, friendly relationship.
Post # 7
I used to vent to my friends in previous relationships. Anyone can sound like a bad person when you’re talking about all of their flaws, and not their good points. With Fiance I realized I shouldn’t air all of our dirty laundry to someone else. Do I talk about our relationship? Yes, but I don’t vent over every little argument. I agree with PP that your SO didn’t do you any favors running to his sister when you guys had issues, especially as family is less likely to forgive and forget than a friend is!
Post # 8
You might not ever get her to like you. Your SO said nasty things about you to her when you were going through a rough patch, that’s on him, not her. If my brother came to me bitching about how his EX is the most horrible woman in the world and how he couldn’t believe he ever liked/loved her, etc., etc., I would be very protective of him and very concerned if they got back together. That’s what family is for.
This is why you don’t have full on rage vents to close friends and family when you break up or go through a rough patch. The person you vented to is now going to have a tarnished opinion of the person you vented about, and that’s not their fault, it’s what they were told.
What your SO needs to do is stand up to his sister when she makes these comments. You standing up to her is only going to make it worse b/c she will assume you are controlling and manipulating him, which is why he won’t give answers himself.
Post # 9
I agree that SO shouldn’t have gone to them to vent and I’ve said that to him, which he’s promised he won’t do anymore. I know how hard it is for a family member to forgive and forget when all they hear is the worst of a loved ones partner, I’ve been put in this situation a few times. I guess at theend of the day I let it go because I could see how they moved past it as a couple and the person made my family member happy. I guess I’ll just give it some more time *sigh*
Post # 10
He needs to talk to her. If you do it, she will probably hate you more, or think you are wack for questioning her protectiveness of her brother, or she will just be so pissed she won’t even hear what you’re saying and she might start bringing up all kinds of old stuff you guys used to fight about. He definitely needs to find his own way to say “Hey sis, I love that you were there for me when I was upset, but she’s a really great girl that I thought was worth giving it another shot with. I think you need to lighten up!”
I totally get why she is being the way she is (not that it isn’t rude and hurtful) I just mean I understand her angle. I am super protective of my family as well, and I have a really hard time letting go of a grudge when it comes to them. This is exactly why I don’t confide my personal relationship issues about my fiance to them because I would feel terrible if he got the wrath!
Post # 11
I would just grin and bear it. Don’t push her, and don’t be cold either. Continue to build a relationship with her daughter (who knows? you could be her aunt someday soon!). Have a talk with your SO, and see if he has noticed anything, and express your concerns. Get him to talk with his sister about you, without saying anything like, “My girlfriend thinks you don’t her sis, what the heck?” He should just let her know that he loves you very much, and he appreciats that she was there to vent to, but that he wants to make sure that there are no hard feelings, because he wants her to like you. Yadda yadda yadda. If she continues to be weird, oh well. But her behavior might improve if the request comes from her brother, rather than from you.
Post # 12
Kill with kindness? Pretend it didn’t happen, and just keep trucking.
Post # 13
@krayzay87: I wouldn’t worry too much about Future Sister-In-Law. she’ll come around in time. I’ve read some of your posts on another bees thread and you Said some of the sweetest uplifting things to her! I can’t imagine anyone not liking you! I’m guilty of running to my family when Fiance and I used to argue and they just listen to me and tell me what I need to hear at that moment. They know deep down Fiance is a good man. No doubt you’ll win her over in time:)
Post # 14
@Birdi: You’re so sweet! Thank you! <3
Post # 15
@krayzay87: No prob, just thought you should know your kindness stands out 🙂 Yay For sweet bees!
Post # 16
This is coming from someone who is in the same situation as your SO’s sister. I absolutely COULD NOT STAND my brother’s fiancee until recently. He would always come running to me when they would get into huge arguements and I would have to listen to it all. While she is definitely NOT perfect, I realized the problem is that I am very protective of my brother and no one is ever going to be good enough for him in my eyes. And plus the fact that I was mostly just hearing about the negative parts of their relationship didn’t make things easier. It’s not like he’d ever call me and tell me what a great date they had… it was always the bad stuff.
Another thing is, I always felt like his fiancee was always trying to put up a facade in front of my family to act like someone she wasn’t. And I was right. I recently spent an entire weekend with her, and she was a totally different person (she was being herself), and I LOVED it!
All of this to say, I am now very close to my brother’s fiancee after spending some time with her and I am glad she will be my sister. So don’t give up – kill her with kindness and be yourself.