I think bf has an addiction to weed…what can I do?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
5277 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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anonbebe :  

He’s not going to quit unless he wants to quit. It doesn’t sound like he’s serious about stopping. Is weed legal where you are? 

And why would you want to marry him now anyway? You’re afraid to push it in case he rethinks marriage, but why do you want to marry someone who has habits that you can’t stand?

Post # 3
Member
10452 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

That’s tough bee. If you are going to get married you need to be able to have tough conversations and should be able to talk about anything. It’s a red flag that you are fearful of having a discussion with him about this.

Unfortunatly, there’s not really anything you can do to make him stop or even just smoke less. You can tell him you don’t like it and that you wish he would stop but there’s no magical solution to getting him to cut this habit.

This may be something you have to either learn to accept or decide is a dealbreaker and move on from this relationship. Honestly, the first steip is to have the conversation you don’t want to have.

Post # 4
Member
46 posts
Newbee

This was an issue for me too in my relationship, the difference was that my fiancée kept saying he wanted to stop doing it. I made it really clear to him that I was not attracted to a weed user and that I wouldn’t want a husband who was smoking every day. He has stopped smoking now because I won’t put up with it. He’s done it a few times since I put my foot down, one time he lied about it and we had a big fight. But generally, he’s stood by his word on this. Now I know if he happens to be hanging out with his buddies, he might take a puff or whatever, but this is like a 2-4 times per year type of thing and I guess I’ve just accepted it. The big thing is he basically never smokes and he would never do it in my household. We got to this point because I laid it on the table that it was a boundary for me, and he wanted to stop anyway because he knew it wasn’t good for him overall. 

Post # 5
Member
837 posts
Busy bee

You love him, he is perfect, but you want to change him. Lol, good luck with that.

Post # 6
Member
3567 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

The fact that you’re afraid to discuss something that is important to you because it might make him rethink marrying you is a HUGE warning sign that you should not be getting married right now. 

And I’m sure when you read that, you’re going to think about how amazing he is and how much you love him and want to marry him. But again, these are some big red flags that you need to work through. If you bring this up and he cancels the wedding, that is a sure fire sign that marrying him would have been the wrong choice. 

You can’t make him change. Ever heard the phrase “Don’t marry a man unless you’d be proud to have a son exactly like him”? Really think though this, Bee. Whether or not he’s addicted doesn’t matter, because the fact is, you’re against something that is a routine part of his life! He will not change. So either you have to come to accept it, whether or not it’s an addiction, or you need to leave. 

Post # 7
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2018

I hate to say this but it’s simple. He’s not going to change. My husband smokes cigarettes. Tbh I hate smoking, but that’s how he was when I met him and I will assume he’ll continue. Only he has the power to stop. 

Post # 8
Member
1012 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Was he doing this for the past 2.5 years? If this isn’t new then you may not be able to suddenly change something that you previously accepted in an SO. That’s not to say that you need to stay, but that finding someone who doesn’t have any of your dealbreakers is much simpler than trying to remove a dealbreaker from someone you have found. 

“Im ecstatic and think he’s the perfect man in every way except one, he smokes weed / hash a LOT.”

– “Nothing that comes before the word but counts.” And “except” is really the same as but. 

Three joints a day is ALOT. Smoking all day is alot, and unsustainable in any kind of productive life. 

“I will say that surprisingly, his smoking does not really affect his personality,”

But he smokes all day every day, so how do you know? 

As a former addict I will say that you do not have to be a goody two shoes to not want to be with a partner who does whatever their drug is all day every day. (I also don’t really think that you can be addicted to weed, but that’s another story, but yes you can definitely overdo it.) Some people use drugs on occasion and with few exceptions I don’t have a problem with that. My fiance drinks, but he doesn’t drink all day every day. Its ok to not be anti-drugs or anti-weed and also not want someone who does drugs ALL the time. Its like anything else. Its ok to smoke weed, play video games, read books, paint, whatever- but if you are doing these things all day every day to the exclusion of all else, its a problem. And that position doesn’t make you against any of these hobbies. 

If he’s getting defensive and not quitting or doing anything that would be conducive to quitting then he doesn’t want to quit. 

If his SO is telling him that she wants him to majorly change his life, then he SHOULD rethink marriage. That doesn’t necessarily change the answer, but it would be irresponsible for him to take this lightly and just assume everything is going to be the same when he’s sober. 

If this is a deal breaker for you, and imo it should be, then you need to tell him that and have a serious conversation about the weed. He very well may leave over that, but if he does then you’re better off because that means he isn’t going to quit and you are saying that you don’t want to be with someone who smokes as much as he does. 

Post # 9
Member
3449 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

Why on earth are you talking very seriously about marrying a pothead, if you are “very against pot”??

People don’t really change that much once they’re adults. He’s a hardcore pothead if he smokes on and off all day every day. I don’t see him un-becoming a pothead. You guys seem like a bad match since you are so anti-weed and he is a complete pothead.

Post # 10
Member
722 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

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anonbebe :  oh bee. Your story resonates with me so much. My first boyfriend didn’t smoke at all when we met. About a year later he got into it heavily. It also bothered me and I tried to leave several times due to it, but he would beg me to stay, say he wanted to stop etc etc . He never did and after 7 years together I left. Not before he became completely paranoid, fixated on crazy ideas etc. You really can’t do anything. I called a drug hotline once (he found out and was super angry) and the lady said “you can’t do a thing. All you can do is decide if this is the way you want to live you life”. It took me ages to leave because I loved him. Sorry bee. Your lifestyles seem incompatible. 

Post # 11
Member
226 posts
Helper bee

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anonbebe :  I’m pro marijuana use/legalization but smoking that much is a hard no for me. I don’t do it nor do I drink. I don’t like substances that make people not who they are, or getting drunk frequently. Anyway, this is a compatibility issue. You’re not going to change him. You’re not on board with that lifestyle, time to find someone else.

Post # 12
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper

As someone who dated an all-day/all-night (basically every waking moment) pot smoker, I think you should leave now. I’m not against weed in general, but with my ex his dependency was so strong that he couldn’t function without it, and I think that’s super unhealthy. Like your bf, he was also super defensive about it. I remember very early on in our relationshiip he told me he wouldd break up with any girlfriend of his that told him to cut back (HELLO RED FLAG!). I am not sure if it impacted his personality because I almost never saw him sober. I do believe his chronic smoking contributed to his laziness/lack of motivation in life, but not sure to what extent. 

Anyway there’s nothing for you to do here. You can’t make him cut back or stop. You either need to find a way to accept your boyfriend as he is today – a pot addict – or leave. Having gone down this road myself with someone, I’d be done. My only regret with my ex is that I didn’t dump him a lot sooner!

Post # 13
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee

It’s not really fair to expect someone to change if that’s how he was when you got together. He will have to want to change on his own. If he really loves you and wants to be together, he might be willing to stop for you. 

I disliked the idea of dating someone who does drugs or drinks excessively, so I always avoided those people when I was single.

Post # 14
Member
4958 posts
Honey bee

The only thing for you to do is decide whether you can live with him and this habit just as he is, or move on of you can’t.  He is only going to quit when he wants to quit.  You can’t change him and you can’t quit for him.  Your only role is to express how you feel and then decide whether you can accept him exactly as he is.  He deserves to have someone who loves him and accepts him as is and if drug and alcohol use is that much of a deal-breaker for you then you deserve to be with someone who views it the same way…but not by forcing someone to change to be that way.

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