Post # 16
anonbebe : “One of my biggest regrets was being too easy going and not making my concern known from the start.”
Bee, it doesn’t matter; what’s done is done. Just because you didn’t express your concern in the beginning, doesn’t mean you can’t act on it now. Rather than looking to the past, you need to be focusing on the present and what you should do NOW.
Post # 17
I missed the part where you said you were very against weed. This guy clearly does weed. You need to find a guy who doesn’t.
Post # 18
You’re right, I just feel it’s harder after basically pretending to be okay with it for over 2 years
Post # 19
It’s harder, sure, but hard isn’t a reason to delay any further. I also pretended to be cool with my ex’s chronic weed use when I was first dating him because I didn’t want to cause conflict – and also cause I told myself it was just a phase he’d surely grow out of soon (nope). Eventually, however, I couldn’t deal anymore. Just cause you were silent in the beginning doesn’t mean you have to sentence yourself to a lifetime of pretending to be okay with this. Someone once gave me a great piece of advice: don’t cling to a mistake just because you spent a long time making it.
Post # 20
You feel comfortable enough with this guy to marry him, but not comfortable enough to discuss an important, albeit touchy subject—his pot use. This makes no sense. People who plan to pledge to spend their lives together ought to be able to talk to each other about anything. What mes you think that he will jump straight to calling off the wedding if you tell him how you feel about his marijuana use?
The National Institute on Drug Abuse has found that marijuana can indeed be addicting.
Are You Really Addicted to Marijuana?
Are You Really Addicted to Marijuana? Is Anyone?
Post # 21
Go to Nar-Anon, a family groupm(just Google it). You’ll be with people who know exactly what you’re going through, living with an addict who is in denial. Very helpful and comforting. (If you’re in a tiny town without Nar-Anon, Al-Anon will do–addiction is addiction; living with it is pretty much the same.)
Post # 22
Ugh. This post hit home for me.
I can’t tell you what to do because each person and therefore relationship is unique. What I can tell you is for me, personally, I wished I had left my pothead ex before spending 8 years with him—only to figure out that it was simple and like what so many said here: our lifestyle preferences were fundamentally different.
Like you, I am anti-weed (except for medical purposes) and I don’t drink at all. My ex (and one before him) smoked 2-4 times a day…couldn’t get by without it. He also drank every week. I equate this level of use to possible addiction (based on research…lots and lots of research), escapism, a habit that turns me off, and the result was he just wasn’t himself. I once got in an accident and he couldn’t come get me because he was too high to drive. I wasn’t proud to be with someone with a habit like that (I feel the same way about dating smokers or heavy drinkers). It’s just not something I want in my life on the regular. I can’t relate and that’s ok. On the flip side I don’t think it’s morally wrong if people choose to smoke, necessarily, but it really isn’t something I want in a partner.
My ex lied about quitting frequently. I spun my wheels A LOT preaching to him about the health risks of so much unfiltered smoking. Plus I didn’t care for how “slow” and distant he was when he was high. And oh yeah, he smelled like skunk and his breath was revolting after hitting the bong. He never did quit, despite my ultimatums. I ended up leaving. There are plenty of guys who don’t do it and I found one. We didn’t end badly…I gradually lost attraction and the relationship just ran its course.
I know it’s hard but this is who he is. You either accept it AS it is now or decide it’s not for you. Unfortunately the likelihood of him giving up this habit he enjoys is slim.
Post # 23
When I first met FH, he smoked a similar amount of weed (basically constantly throughout the day), as well as cigarettes. I dislike both habits in a partner. If he didn’t smoke weed, he was super cranky and if it was in the house, he HAD to smoke it and it’s all he could think about. He was (is?) definitely extremely psychologically and physically addicted.
In the end, he quit cigarettes and has seriously cut down the weed (we agreed on max. once a month, because he knows he is addicted and has to set himself strict boundaries, otherwise it instantly goes out of control). I strongly encouraged the quitting, but in the end, it happened because he wanted it to.
Our situation is slightly more complicated because FH uses weed as some kind of self-medication for CPTSD & because, ironically, he says it makes me him feel more (he’s quite emotionally numb due to the CPTSD), hence why he still wants to use it very occasionally.
Bottom line – unless he seriously wants to quit or cut down, you’re fighting a losing battle.
Post # 24
I know a guy who’s in his mid 40s, single and still smoke weed on the regular, and fully accept that it limits his options in the women that are willing to date him because of this. I also know a guy who gave up on his habit because it was affecting his motivation on basically everything including work and starting a relationship. So he voluntarily quit.
You won’t know until you asked the question and set your boundaries. To be honest he doesn’t sound like he’s motivated to quit so… it’s more likely he won’t. Accept that or end it now. I think it’s a fundamental incompatibility and personally would never date someone who smokes weed other than on the very odd occasion like if you’re on holidays in Amsterdam or something.
Post # 24
you need to just talk to him about it. if this is a guy you are thinking about marrying you need to be able to discuss problems with him. but you’re right, you’ve spent your relationship pretending you’re cool with this behavior so there is a real possibility that he isn’t going to want to change.
i’ve had a boyfriend quit smoking cigarettes ‘for me’ (obviously it was a choice he made for himself, but it was because i had said i wouldn’t date a smoker) and my husband stopped smoking marijuana at my request – unless we are somewhere it is legal, in which case i don’t care. so there is hope!
Post # 25
I can relate to an extent, bee. My FH smokes quite regularly, however he can and does go without for days at a time without changes to his personality or behavior.
I’ll start by saying I am not anti-weed. I don’t see much of a problem with recreational smoking. Yes, I wish he maybe didn’t smoke quite as much for health reasons. And yes, I do think he has a dependence on weed. But he knows I think this because we talk openly about it. Ultimately, I know that I cannot change him. I’ve known from very early on that this is who he is and I love him unconditionally. He is also not what you think of as a stereotypical pothead. He has a high paying job, recently got a promotion, and has interests outside of work that he pursues with a lot of motivation. Not that this changes the fact that he has an addiction, but if he was the typical lazy/unmotivated pothead, I would definitely have more of an issue with it.
I think the big difference here is that we are able to talk about it without anyone getting upset or defensive. When it became apparent to me that we were serious, we started having the hard discussions–what if we have kids one day? Are you going to be high on our wedding day? Etc, etc. These are things we talk through quite often.
All this to say, you really are not going to be happy in this relationship if you can’t talk about these tough issues openly with one another. I totally understand it’s hard to bring up your concerns if you haven’t after 2.5 years, but I really don’t see a way forward for you two if you don’t. Good luck, bee, and feel free to PM me if you want to talk more about this.
Post # 26
anonbebe : anonbebe :
yeah right from the beginning, when I found out he liked weed, I made it clear that I didn’t like it and it would be a big issue if he didn’t cut back/stop. I don’t like the idea of changing a man, because I feel like you can’t really change them once they get set in their ways and even if you do, they will come to resent you. However with him, I said my position and he wanted to change for me. He feels 100% better after cutting it out if his life. But yeah, he knew where I stood early on :/
Post # 28
My hubby smokes like ur bf and we have no issues ..it’s about to be legal in Ontario in July.
So I personally cannot relate as it’s a different mind set here…
But I think the counseling for family members who have addiction might help you
Post # 29
Some things can’t be fixed by talking, contrary to popular belief, and having an issue with someone’s addiction is at the top of that list.
you can’t change him. This is who he is. He is not the perfect partner for you; in fact he regularly, daily engages in something you are against in a big way. How is this perfect for you?
Who knows, he might stop smoking weed one day, but it won’t be because you talked to him about it. That isn’t to say you shouldn’t tell him how you feel, but rather you shouldn’t expect your feelings to change him.
I’d urge you to think about why you are anti drugs in general, and what goals you have for your life and what characteristics you admire in people and want in your life.