(Closed) I think Fi is going to call off engagement. lengthy.

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
33 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Im so sorry for what you are going through. Hopefully with a little time, your Fiance will talk to you again and you guys can work things out. My Fiance and I went through something that threatened our relationship too and we got through it. I hope the same happens with you. Best of luck.

Post # 4
Member
1431 posts
Bumble bee

That’s really a tough situation.. honestly did you have feelings for this person? Usually people don’t just “kiss you” unless they feel like there is something there or think the other person wants to be kissed. You just have to look at it from your Fiance perspective. If you saw a text from a girl to your Fiance saying she missed him and then come to find out she kissed him you would probably have a hard believing that nothing was going on either. From your view it is something so silly to loose your whole relationship and your future together over but if it was the other way around and you were typing on weddingbee that he did that to you many many girls would caution you against marrying him. So he may be getting a lot of that right now from the people he told. I think you should just give him space if he needs it. Let him know you are there to talk when he is ready but maybe some distance will help him work through some feelings, and see what it would be like without you in his life which he may quickly realize its worse being without you, than working through a hard time. If he does take you back building trust back should be top priority.  And he needs to know you’l never put yourself in a situation like that again. Good luck, keep us updated

Post # 5
Member
351 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

So sorry to hear this. My gut wrenches along with yours. But know this:if you guys can get through this and he believes it was not your fault (and his trust builds back up), you can get through anything. The hardest part of relationships is the trials we are faced with as a couple. And I stress the word couple. You go through this together. Maybe he is feeling the same gut wrenching feeling that you are. I think you need to gather your thoughts and choose a comfortable location for you both. Sit down and talk it out. If he can’t have the courtesy to meet with you, my own personal opinion is that it wouldn’t be worth it to spend your life with someone who won’t hear you out, especially because there is so much with married life you have to compromise and work with each other on.

Post # 6
Member
1406 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I get why you didn’t tell him when it initially happened.  But now that he knows, he’s gonna be suspicious of every little thing you do.  And I’m not sure if “kissing” would constitute full-blown cheating…definitely not something I’d end a relationship over.  

I’d make sure to reiterate to your Fiance that you didn’t want anything with this guy and that you ceased contact with him the moment it happened…hence, the missing you text.  

Your Fiance is HURT….try to be there for him if he allows it.  You might even want to look into counseling for the two of you.  Good luck!


Post # 7
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Unfortunately hindsight is 20/20. You’re just going to have to let him work this out in his own time, and if he wants to give you another chance he will. In his mind he probably thinks “What if I had never found out about this, she would never have told me.” That can be a very scary thought going into a marriage which at the very least, has to begin with an honest foundation. Good luck.

Post # 8
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Well, you’ve got to admit, it does seem awfuly suspect. PUt yourself in his shoes. BUT, as long as you are 100% honest, that’s the best you can do. Don’t change your story, and don’t waver. Be firm in your recollection of what happened. tell him something like “I understand how this must look, I’m sure I would react the same way as you are now. I know it wasn’t right to keep it from you, and realize now that rather than wait to tell you in person, I should have called/texted you right away. That was wrong of me, and I apologize. As soon as that guy kissed me, I stopped speaking to him. I can even pull my phone records to prove that. (you can even colunteer to let your Fi talk to the guy, if you think he wouldn’t lie and say more happened then really did). If you can’t believe that I’m telling you the truth, then we have a problem.”

Post # 9
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

If he’s willing to discuss it, you need to be 100% open and transparent – give him access to your email account so he can read anything he needs to from this guy, give him the phone records so he can see you haven’t contacted him, etc.  You need to rebuild trust if Fiance is willing to continue.

Post # 10
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I was in a similar situation as you. No kissing involved.

My ex was a complete a-hole. There was a time he broke up with me complete with pomp and circumstance of a dramatic broadway show.

I was devastated and immediately called my ex-ex. (The guy I was going out with BEFORE him.) We also txted each other abt how much we missed each other’s company, etc. (The reason we had initially broken off was because we felt more like friends than a couple.)

Anyway, the next morning my ex felt horrible and guilty for the break up and tried to get us back together. I agreed. (Hello? Low self-esteem!) So we’re just hangin’ out and he’s just flippin’ around my phone to see what I have been up to since last night. He looks at the txt msgs and labels me a ‘cheater’.

FYI, he was flippin’ through my phone cuz he had MAJOR trust issues. His own ex flat out cheated on him with his best friend. He only found out much, much later when he once logged into her email acct and found these ages old email his ex and his bff had exchanged.

Even though I was not cheating on him. We had officially ‘broken’ up. The fact of the matter is that he felt betrayed that if I had such a terrible time after fighting with him, that I was driven to the arms of my ex, what could happen going into the future? He felt that at the first sign of discontent, I will call up my ex.

We then still started a relationship which was doomed from the start. In other words, everything I did was held under a microscope. I felt my freedom slowly slippin’ away till the point I felt a prisoner in my own home.

This is another side of the issue that you need to be aware of. Once the trust is lost in a relationship, you can end up in a really extreme situation. You might not be able to handle this ‘new’ relationship at all.

Just another perspective you can see that it might not be the best idea to get back with him. Cut your losses and move on. If he is able and willing to forgive wholeheartedly (i.e. never bringing this up in the future in ANY fights) then you can give it a second thought. Otherwise, forget it. Maybe this was a ‘sign’ for you that this isn’t exacty the right man even after such a long relationship. (I was with my friendly ex for 11+ years! Didn’t make him the ‘right’ guy to marry.)

 

Post # 11
Member
242 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I was in your fiance’s shoes.  It hurts.  It really does.  You do not get to decide when he gets over it and how.  He’s not going to wake up tomorrow and be over it.  It’s a process.  If you all are to work, whatever he asks of you, you need to do it.  Now our relationship is wonderful.  You have an uphill battle to fight though.  Best of luck!

Post # 13
Member
9687 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@bears13:  Don’t give up!  Keep talking to him, keep apologizing, grovel if you have to, lol.  You made a HUGE mistake.  But it was just a mistake and not really cheating.  You have to convince him of this.  He is hurting badly right now and you can’t blame him, at all.  You would feel the same way if he had done the same thing.  Which is why one of my rules in life is NEVER do something that you wouldn’t be perfectly fine with your SO/FI/DH doing the exact same thing.  But that is water under the bridge.  He wants you to prove your love for him, I would imagine.  He may never forgive you, but you need to make it as sincerely clear to him as you possibly can that you screwed up royally and will give him all the time and venting he needs to heal from this.  I hope it works out for you.  ((HUGS))

Post # 14
Member
831 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I get why your FI’s upset, but I think it’s kind of messed up that he ran and told his whole family. Also, does he always check you texts?

Not that the answer to that really matters, what’s done is done. It doesn’t sound like much of anything happened, and if this guy kissed you and you immediately put a stop to it I wouldn’t consider that cheating. But you’ll have to convince Fiance that’s the truth.

Also WTF with this guy texting you that when he knows you are engaged and made it clear you didn’t want to be with him?  I would be so PISSED at him.

Post # 15
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@kimm99:  I tend to agree with this. The guy kissed you, you didn’t kiss back and ended all contact with him ASAP. I don’t see how that is really some big cheating, life changing event. You explained yourself, you know you didn’t cheat so what else can you do? I wouldn’t be begging or groveling for anyone- you made a mistake by withholding information. That doesn’t mean you have to indignify yourself. I’m sorry, but he sounds immature to run off and tell his family the personal details and say you are a liar. If he comes around that’s great, but don’t beat yourself up over it. 

Post # 16
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@bears13:  yes, but phone records don’t. he can’t say the damn phone company is lying for you!!

 

@mixtapehearts:  I totally agree. OP, the only wrong thing you did was not tell him right away. You can’t turn yourself into his door mat

The topic ‘I think Fi is going to call off engagement. lengthy.’ is closed to new replies.

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