(Closed) I think FI should make his stepson apologize to me

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
2143 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I think you should focus on building a mutually respectful relationship with him rather than demanding an apology he may not even mean.

This “he’s a child and I’m an adult so he shouldn’t dare talk back to me” attitude will not help. Yes, he should be respectful but you’re unlikely to get that from him if you don’t treat him as more of an equal.

Post # 4
Member
399 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I would stay out of his family’s affairs.

Post # 5
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Don’t envy your situation at all.  This boy sounds pretty troubled.  His bio dad rejected him, and he has a half sib who taunts him that he doesn’t belong there either.  Poor kid is pissed at the world and striking wherever he can land a blow…But that totally doesn’t give him the right to treat you as he did, and on principal, I’d say yes he owes you an apology.  However, as PP mentioned, it’s not going to win you any favours, nor likely that he will actually do it and it sounds like dad is desperately trying to maintain a relationship with him.  Really tough spot for you, sorry you are dealing with this!  I’d suggest counselling asap for the boy, but doesn’t sound like biomom will give that the go ahead.

Post # 6
Member
1213 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I think you need to let it go for now. Your Fiance probably could make him apologise, but he isn’t going to mean it. I think your best hope is to try to be a positive influence in his life, don’t push your way in, but be consistant with him. It sounds like this poor boy has no boundries enforced at home and is lashing out to find them. I think your best bet at getting an apology will be in about 7-8 years if he can look back and say, ‘Hey, I was a total jerk as a kid, I’m sorry, thank you for sticking with me.’

Post # 8
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

You can block the kid from messageing you.

Post # 10
Member
1213 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Why is your Fiance supporting this boy? If he never gets to see him and spend time with him and enjoy his company? If the ex and this boy want your Fiance to play the dad role, thats fine, but he needs full dad rights: visitation, discipline, etc. Not just handing out money.

Post # 11
Member
9631 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

i am sorry you’re going through this.

i agree with PPs, your Fiance needs full dad responsibility or none. It’s not fair on him or you to have him just as an ATM machine. And your Fiance needs to put his foot down, not hand him stuff right after he was disrespectful to you, it shows he is ok with the behaviour and is rewarding him for it. Definitely talk to your Fiance and tell him how you feel.

Post # 13
Member
12973 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Forcing an apology from a rebellious kid isn’t going to fix the situation.  He’ll say what you want to hear and then laugh at you behind your back because, to be honest, if it’s not a sincere apology, it’s not worth the breath he’ll waste saying it.

Tell your Fiance how you feel about the messages and their relationship, but leave it there.  If any apology is made, it needs to come from the stepson’s heart.  Otherwise, why even bother?

Post # 14
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m very confused as to why your Fiance is still in contact with this person.  I feel bad for the stepson because his mom uses him as a pawn and he probably doesn’t even realize he’s worth as a person.

I think, if this is going to be a major issue,  Fiance needs to make some changes….a friend of mine got duped into believing that a child was his (I told him it wasn’t but he wouldn’t listen)…when the child turned 2 his now ex’s own BROTHER was the one who gave him the advice to get a DNA test…SURPRISE, the kid was not his…

He made sure his ex and her son had a place to go and that they were all set up.  He has no contact with them now.  It was for the best, that’s the worst kind of betrayal you can do to a man.

Post # 16
Member
187 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I have to disagree with everyone that said to stay out of FI’s family issues. You are marrying those issues, they are very much your business. Block the child from sending you messages. Don’t expect an apology because you won’t get it. Some day he will just be decent to you, just go with it. Go to couples counseling. You guys have to be on the same page when it comes to how these things are dealt with. Kids can put a canyon between 2 people that love each other if they don’t have a plan. Fiance shouldn’t just give him money. Heck I don’t just give the children that live with me money. If he needs money he needs to work for it. And in my opinion gifts are not gifts when asked for so I guess those would be moneyless card holidays and birthdays. If the child lacks boundaries at home then your Fiance has to give him some even if it means his son gets angry at him. Good luck in all of this, I know how exhausting it is.

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