Post # 1
I am in my mid 30s and was raised in a household were kids were not allowed to raise their voices to adults, no slamming doors, and most importantly I was raised to respect adults no matter what. If my mom had an issue with an adult I was not allowed to get involved. I’ll try to make this short.
Fiance has a son and a stepson by his 2nd exwife. She lied to him and told him that it was his son and when he was 3 he found out that he wasn’t. His stepson knows who is biological father is but because of his mothers nasty attitude his biological father doesn’t want to deal with them. So Fiance has stepped in and help raise him. Fiance has another son by his 1st exwife and that son and the stepson don’t get along. Kind of a he’s my dad not your dad kind of situation. Now, stepson only calls Fiance when he wants money and needs him to do something. Fiance is not allowed to discipline him in any way. He is a very bad kid because his mother. He is only 13 and has been in trouble with the law on more than 1 occasion.
Well, when Fiance got engaged the stepson looked me up on FB and sent me a very nasty message. Then he called Fiance and left him a very nasty VM. Fiance was very hurt because he treats him like he is his son and does more for him than he does for his other kids. When Fiance called his exwife to let her know she said he can write whatever he wants to me on FB. My Fiance stepson didn’t call my Fiance for 2 months but a week before Xmas he called and apologized to him. Then he called again in January to remind him of his upcoming Bday. Then he called today because he want a new bat bag.
It really bugs me that Fiance didn’t make him apologize to me and he just picked up where they left off like nothing happened. Do you guys think I am wrong for wanting an apology? Had I written the stuff he had written to me when I was a child to an adult my mother would’ve broken off all my fingers and before she took me to the ER she would’ve taken me over to the house to apologize.
Should I just let it go or should I let Fiance know how I feel?
Post # 3
I think you should focus on building a mutually respectful relationship with him rather than demanding an apology he may not even mean.
This “he’s a child and I’m an adult so he shouldn’t dare talk back to me” attitude will not help. Yes, he should be respectful but you’re unlikely to get that from him if you don’t treat him as more of an equal.
Post # 4
I would stay out of his family’s affairs.
Post # 5
Don’t envy your situation at all. This boy sounds pretty troubled. His bio dad rejected him, and he has a half sib who taunts him that he doesn’t belong there either. Poor kid is pissed at the world and striking wherever he can land a blow…But that totally doesn’t give him the right to treat you as he did, and on principal, I’d say yes he owes you an apology. However, as PP mentioned, it’s not going to win you any favours, nor likely that he will actually do it and it sounds like dad is desperately trying to maintain a relationship with him. Really tough spot for you, sorry you are dealing with this! I’d suggest counselling asap for the boy, but doesn’t sound like biomom will give that the go ahead.
Post # 6
I think you need to let it go for now. Your Fiance probably could make him apologise, but he isn’t going to mean it. I think your best hope is to try to be a positive influence in his life, don’t push your way in, but be consistant with him. It sounds like this poor boy has no boundries enforced at home and is lashing out to find them. I think your best bet at getting an apology will be in about 7-8 years if he can look back and say, ‘Hey, I was a total jerk as a kid, I’m sorry, thank you for sticking with me.’
Post # 7
@MabelleBliss: I guess the whole kid/adult respect thing is from my upbringing. These kids don’t even know me because their mother is very violent and she doesn’t want them around me so just that these kids don’t have to witness their mother being hauled off in handcuffs again, he doesn’t bring them around me.
I guess my big issue is he is only allowed to play the daddy role when it comes to money. When it comes to discipline he isn’t allowed to tell him ANYTHING because the mom will be the first to say he’s not your son but when he needs money or needs him for something and my Fiance says he can’t then its “You’re the worse person in the world, you’re the only father that he knows.” I already told my Fiance for right now if he wants to be a jackass and let them walk over him sobeit but when we get married money is not coming out of my household for a disrespectful child that only calls him for money.
I guess my thing is he needs to learn there are consequences for your actions. I just feel by him letting him write that stuff to me and not apologize and continuing to give him stuff is giving him the okay to do it again. He is still sending me stuff on FB and I think by my Fiance not punishing him, he will think that he can write and tell me whatever he wants.
I feel like Fiance is living a double life. It’s me and his biological kids on one side, and his stepson on the other.
If one of Fiance Bio kids had done it, he would’ve whoop that ass.
Post # 8
You can block the kid from messageing you.
Post # 9
@imalittlebirdie: he creates fake pages.
Early in the relationship I felt sorry for him but they manipulate Fiance. Everytime he does something disrespectful there is always an emergency right after. When it comes to Fiance exwife if she even says my name in a funny tone he checks her on it but when it comes to the stepson its I can’t do anything he’s not my son but when he calls for money he jumps.
Even his exwife’s niece who is 15 saw out at the mall and she put her hand in my face as she was walking by me and started talking to him. He cut her off and introduced me and she looked me up and down rolled her eyes and continued talking to him. I was mad then too because I was like I know she is not related to you and you can’t say anything to her but when she continued to be rude to me you should’ve grabbed my hand and walk away.
Post # 10
Why is your Fiance supporting this boy? If he never gets to see him and spend time with him and enjoy his company? If the ex and this boy want your Fiance to play the dad role, thats fine, but he needs full dad rights: visitation, discipline, etc. Not just handing out money.
Post # 11
i am sorry you’re going through this.
i agree with PPs, your Fiance needs full dad responsibility or none. It’s not fair on him or you to have him just as an ATM machine. And your Fiance needs to put his foot down, not hand him stuff right after he was disrespectful to you, it shows he is ok with the behaviour and is rewarding him for it. Definitely talk to your Fiance and tell him how you feel.
Post # 12
@Roux: That’s how I feel but I was just a girlfriend so I stayed out of it. Now, being the Fiance I have voiced my concerns on certain things but still really stayed out of it until the disrespect started towards me. My Fiance is terrified of what this little boy would say to me if he sees me in person. To that I said if he does say something out of the way to me, then you sit him down and let him know that kind of behavior will not be tolerated. You also let his mother know that she can hate me all she want because I have never done anything to her, but the kids, and not both because his son has never been rude to me, but if his stepson wants to be included in things in his life he will need to be respectful.
If that can’t happen when he calls wanting money for a game, the answer will have to be no. When he call wanting shoes, the answer is going to have to be no. To be honest, I make more money than Fiance so alot of times its technically my money going towards stuff that he wants. Fiance will put his foot down for awhile then they will call with an emergency that turns out to be fake by the time Fiance gets there.
Post # 13
Forcing an apology from a rebellious kid isn’t going to fix the situation. He’ll say what you want to hear and then laugh at you behind your back because, to be honest, if it’s not a sincere apology, it’s not worth the breath he’ll waste saying it.
Tell your Fiance how you feel about the messages and their relationship, but leave it there. If any apology is made, it needs to come from the stepson’s heart. Otherwise, why even bother?
Post # 14
I’m very confused as to why your Fiance is still in contact with this person. I feel bad for the stepson because his mom uses him as a pawn and he probably doesn’t even realize he’s worth as a person.
I think, if this is going to be a major issue, Fiance needs to make some changes….a friend of mine got duped into believing that a child was his (I told him it wasn’t but he wouldn’t listen)…when the child turned 2 his now ex’s own BROTHER was the one who gave him the advice to get a DNA test…SURPRISE, the kid was not his…
He made sure his ex and her son had a place to go and that they were all set up. He has no contact with them now. It was for the best, that’s the worst kind of betrayal you can do to a man.
Post # 15
I guess I will just leave it alone for now and let Fiance deal with it. Everytime he has been rude to Fiance, I started pointing out the fact that a few days later there is going to be an emergency, then he runs to the rescue to find there wasn’t an emergency in the first place, then he gets an apology, then the next day a call for money so Fiance has been backing off a little about giving him money.
One day Fiance missed his game, stepson got mad and started kicking Fiance truck, then a few weeks later he supposedly broke a leg or arm or something, when Fiance got there, there was nothing wrong with him, then him an exwife get into an argument then stepson apologizes, then the next day a Phone call for money.
I’m going to let it go for now and hope he gets some kind of direction before he ends up in jail.
Post # 16
I have to disagree with everyone that said to stay out of FI’s family issues. You are marrying those issues, they are very much your business. Block the child from sending you messages. Don’t expect an apology because you won’t get it. Some day he will just be decent to you, just go with it. Go to couples counseling. You guys have to be on the same page when it comes to how these things are dealt with. Kids can put a canyon between 2 people that love each other if they don’t have a plan. Fiance shouldn’t just give him money. Heck I don’t just give the children that live with me money. If he needs money he needs to work for it. And in my opinion gifts are not gifts when asked for so I guess those would be moneyless card holidays and birthdays. If the child lacks boundaries at home then your Fiance has to give him some even if it means his son gets angry at him. Good luck in all of this, I know how exhausting it is.