- 4 years ago
- Wedding: February 2012
DH, our boss, and I got invited a coworker’s house for dinner. It all started when my boss started recalling a story where she was in bed 3 AM trying to sleep and started laughing out loud to herself because she was thinking about the way DH and I had been joking earlier that day at work. We drove the same car and he joked that he was going home without me so I joked back that if he did, I was selling all of his stuff, and then I elaborated on some details.
So my coworker’s dad kind of bristled at this and his daughter went, “Dad, they were kidding!” A few more awkward minutes go by where he starts to lecture about how I need to let it go and not argue and both my boss and DH repeat that it was a joke. DH goes to the kitchen to take a phone call and coworker’s dad takes the time to lean into me and ask me if we fight. Knowing where this was headed, I had no idea how to answer because “no” was ridiculous but if I said “yes” he would assume the worst. I said “Sure, sometimes, but not more than normal couples”
So the next 15 minutes to half hour are spent with my coworker’s dad lecturing me. He’s Asian and speaks with a thick accent so I couldn’t really say anything back because I wasn’t sure exactly what he was implying and I didn’t wanna make things worse. He started telling a story about how I’m in college and getting educated and that’s dangerous and I needed to be careful so I was thinking “..of rapes?” and my coworker went “Oh, I know what he means. My uncle was really hard at work but his wife was away going to school for what you’re going to school for, and living at her college and he had no idea what she could have been doing up there.” So he keeps talking about how I’m really attractive so I need to be careful that if I’m not, I lose everything – I lose the love of my “sweet, hard working husband” And then he starts telling me about what a good man my husband is and how he’s working really hard for me every day and that I need to be careful, not fight, and let him come home and do whatever. Through all of this, my coworker is interjecting every so often with “Dad, they don’t fight! Dad it was just a joke!” This went on for at least 15 minutes to a half an hour and we’re all sitting there in silence the whole time, except for him, and occasionally his daughter.
On the way home I said “I don’t want to jump to conclusions but…was he saying I might cheat on you?” And DH goes “No! He was saying we need to be careful not to fight because we’re young.” I went “Ok, but then why was all of that directed at only me? You were the sweet, loving, wonderful husband, and I was the one that needed to be careful because I was pretty and going to school, and I was the one that needed to not fight because you were working so hard every single day.” He then told me that I needed to not pay him any mind because he doesn’t live with us and he doesn’t see how we are together when we “fight” the way our boss does. Oh yeah, at one point, my husband and my boss tried to console me by telling me that he’s “kind of like a psychic” and can “see the future and give us a warning, but he can’t see specifics, he just gets a feeling” Yeah…that didn’t help.
I have to admit, I cried. My feelings were so hurt. I know what DH said was true (about not paying attention to him, not the psychic bit) but of all the things someone could use as ammo against me, accusing me of being a danger to my husband’s wellbeing is akin to a nuclear bomb for me – and if that’s not what he was doing, it sure as hell felt like it. Especially because a huge reason I was going to school was for DH. All I’ve talked about was building a future for us and that if I finished school and got a steady job, then he would be open to doing whatever he wanted – if he wanted to go to school, fine, if he wanted to stay home and be a house-husband, fine. If he wanted to keep working, fine. I want to create a safety net for us so that my husband can be free to do what he wants and I’m working my butt off to do it, so I definitely didn’t appreciate Dad implying that as a student, I’m more likely to run off and meet some cute college guy and throw away my marriage while my husband is slaving away for me 40 hrs a week.
I thought I would feel better in the morning but after 4 hours of sleep I had a nightmare and our “conversation” is still bugging me. It wouldn’t have been so bad if this guy was some nobody I didn’t care about but we’ve been to their house before and he’s someone I really respect and see as a kind, good person so him telling me all of that was almost as if my own family had said that to me.
I know he was coming at me with good intentions and advice, but it was offensive and hurtful – more hurtful than I thought something like that would be to me. I’ll get over it, I guess I just need to let it out.