Post # 1
I have been a long long time lurker here but since I don’t consider myself as such a great writer and English isn’t my first language I have only been reading and looking around here (and getting a lot of great help!).
But I am really really hurt right now and think I am this time really stading at a cross-roads. Me and my bf of 4 years are both in early 20ies and going to/finishing university. I cannot put it into word how emotional, stressful and on-and-off our relationship has been. Really it’s been crazy! But we are still together…
When we got together he had just broken up with previous girlfriend and had some feeling still reeling. But he had liked me for a while and we had this chemistry, so soon after we started dating. We first broke up because he wasn’t still over his ex and didn’t want to drag me along. I was devestated and really broken as I had fallen hard and he was my first real boyfriend. We got back together after a month and as you know young guys after a break up go partying and find girls. He told me about some of these incidents and also about meeting his ex several times (just talking, finding closure). I wasn’t emotionally really experienced in relationships and because of that I developed major jealousy. He is also jealous but he handles his emotions really well. Well long story short – our relationship has been such a rollercoster due to my jelousy and controlling behaviour and because of that we have broken up several times but got back together quite soon.
During our breaks and mayor fights he has gone out clubbing and drinking hard and found a lot of new female friends (numbers were exchanged etc but he has always been such a good boy and in love with me, so no sexual things have happened).
But our last two break-ups have been hard – he found a girl for a while during the first one but ended it after few weeks and confessed. Yesterday I found out that a year ago when we had our last brake-up he had found another girl (asked her over to his place several times, went out partying etc). He didn’t tell me about that after we got together. But yesterday I found out by reading his FB conversations (I swear I haven’t snooped before.. otherwise I had know before). Well yeah… he had a girl and told his friends to shut their mouths on this topic. Plus I found out some other stuff he has been lying about – meeting girls and exchanging phone numbers.
I have been really hurt and feel as if I have been humiliated because he took another girl with him everywhere just after a few days we had broken up. And his friends knew and made fun of me to him. During that separation I wanted to be together but he said he just need a little space. Well after a while we made up again 😀
As you see this is a hot mess – unhealthy, juvenile and plain drama. This mess has been created by my insecurities. He wants to really trie and be happy with me but after a while he just loses it when the sh*t hits the fan. I don’t really blame him. But I am just so hurt that he has brought so many other people to our relationship (granted I have also had flings during our breaks but he knows and is good at dealing with it).
Wow.. this is too long. Sorry!! I just want to know – is it possible to get out of this mess together and get over the hurt and have a better relationship? How? Please give me encouragement that I can forgive the past because I might have driven him to that…
Post # 3
@whiteblackblue: I’m sorry this has happened. I honestly think you need to break up and stay broken up. I would not try to stay with a man like the one you described. I think you should spend some time single figuring out who you are and what you want out of life. But I don’t think your future should include this guy. Best wishes to you.
Post # 4
@whiteblackblue: he has repeatedly been insensitive and lied to you. i think you should find someone better!
Post # 5
I think someone who cheats once will cheat again. Break up and stay broken up. He’s not worth your time or energy!
Post # 6
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Here is my advice based on my own experience – let this one go. I dated a guy before my husband and while we were both really great people, together we were just toxic. There was no trust from the beginning and you cannot have a relationship without trust. We did the whole run around of breaking up and getting back together. He was a tad older than me and for several different reasons I felt insecure and jealous when it came to him and our relationship and I’ll be the first to admit there was some crazy in me when it came to him….. but I LOVED HIM! I dreamt of our future together regardless. After 3 years and multiple break ups and getting back together he finally broke up with me for good and I honestly couldn’t be more thankful for that because I probably would have held onto that relationship forever. Luck was in my favor and I met my husband a month later when I was adamant about not being in another relationship. Our relationship is so much more full than my last. There is trust, love and respect and that is how a real relationship should be. I truly believe things happen for a reason and they happen when you least expect them to. Chin up! Find strength in knowing there is someone else out there that is better for you.
Post # 7
i agree with other posters on here – you should let this one go. for yourself.
picture you 10 years from now, willl things be different? or still be on and off again… it will hurt like hell at first but seriously invest in someone who will make you a priority, not an option.
(= good luck sweets
Post # 8
Wow, I am so grateful for your replies. Honestly! They have been such eye openers. This relationship is definitely toxic and something just keeps pulling me in – the feeling I cannot live without him!
I need to seriously figure out how and where to find the strenght to end it and be strong!
Post # 9
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this, but I think it’s best if you both try to find someone new. If you can’t have a healthy relationship and keep breaking up, it is unlikely IMO that things will get better in the future.
Post # 10
Actually we are going to have a conversation tomorrow about me finding out about his last fling and he explaining himself. Well I have been thinking hard today and I was seriously considering being together because I believed it is my fault he has acted this way (cheating and lying)… I was honestly prepared to say – I will forgive you and try to be better.
Now I think this is a very flawed idea. Huh I really really need to pull myself together!!
Post # 11
@whiteblackblue: It will hurt to let go and It may take quite a while to get over it but know that you will get passed it! I have always believed time heals all and that you really never get over someone until you find someone else. That doesn’t mean rush out and jump into a relationship, take the time to find what is important to you but if you can remind yourself of that it might help. My sister recommended a book to me once called “In the meantime” by Iyanla Vanzant. It really opened my eyes to things I wanted in my life – especially when it came to relationships! feel free to PM me if you ever need to just vent! I know how hard it can be to let go of someone you love.
Post # 12
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
It’s horrible that you’re going through this, but I agree that this is really the eye opener that should push you to breaking up with this guy for good. I have seen several of my friends go through relationships where they have broken up several times for the same issues (including insecurities in the relationship, emotional affairs, etc) and gotten back together, and it is just not a good idea. The doubt will always be there and honestly if he has exchanged numbers/flirted/etc. with other girls all this time, it’s unlikely he will stop.
I understand that you love this guy and can’t imagine life without him, I have heard the same arguments from my friends — they trusted their bf’s and loved them so much, couldn’t believe anyone else would be right for them, were afraid of being alone etc. etc., but the fact of the matter is, there is no single one person out there for you, and you do not have to settle for a guy who lies to you and borderline if not outright cheats on you. There are plenty of other men out there who will treat you with respect and won’t talk to other girls in this way because you are the one they love and worship. You deserve better!
Post # 13
You all are terrible for one another and the relationship is an absolute mess. It’s time to go your separate ways. I know I’m being blunt but I can also tell that you know it’s true. Good luck to you.
Post # 14
I am so sorry that you are going through this *HUGS*
You are in an extremely unhealthy relationship and you owe yourself to be happy. You cannot blame yourself for all the break ups and the cheating. Whenever things get hard in a relationship you don’t call it quits, explore what else is out there, and then get back together. No, you are supposed to stay together and work out your problems.
Also, everytime you break up he is always automatically with another womanwomen. This is not healthy. He is stringing you along right now. Plus he makes fun of you behind his back with his friends. He is not a good guy.
You deserve to be with someone who loves you and will stand by your side. Not someone who will cheat on you and disrespect you the way that he does. You owe it to yourself to move on.
Post # 15
It just doesn’t sound very stable or healthy for either one of you, no matter how much you love him. I’d say walk away. Start fresh with someone else after you’ve had time to mature and move past your jealousy issues.
Post # 16
- Wedding: April 2013 - Rhode Island
Emotional cheating is the kind of cheating that I don’t think a relationship can survive. I’m so sorry. If he’s lying to you about this, you don’t know what else he’s lying to you about. I know you’ve invested 4+ years into this relationship, and it’s hard to walk away for good. But please don’t let 4 years turn into 40 years. Cut your losses and find someone who deserves you.