(Closed) I think he is going to call off the wedding

posted 8 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
467 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

first, i am so sorry that you are dealing with this issue, especially so close to the wedding

next, i really have no experience with various therapies, but i do think that talking to your doctor is a great first step – he/she may be able to refer you to someone more specialized that will be able to help you make any changes that would help

finally, i would try to have a face-to-face, no blame discussion with your Fiance.  explain what you need out of the relationship, and what you think could make the situation better – just be careful that neither of you blames the other – it is not one of your fault, and it should not be an ultimate deal breaker – there are definitely things that you as a couple can do to work through this

 

Post # 4
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

You are not alone! And you are NOT to blame. Tell him how you  feel and that you need couples counseling, not just “you” counseling.

You may find out you are just not sexually compatible due to his high drive and your low one, but seriously…a lot of people only do it once a month (or less!). So maybe he is having some insecurity issues…but I REALLY recommend some couples counseling for you guys.

As for what to do about the wedding…saving the marriage has to come first.

Post # 5
Member
572 posts
Busy bee

Hi,

I’m sorry you are struggling with this. It could be your birth control. Why dont you try going off it and just use condoms and see how that changes things. If that doesnt work I would suggest going to couples therapy.

i hope this helps. Hugs to you!

Post # 6
Member
5786 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

I would definitely go off your BC and see if that is depressing your sex drive.

Post # 7
Member
403 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

It can be your birth control, but it sounds a bit more complicated than that given that you are also depressed and have gained weight.  My suggestion would be relationship counseling–there is something that is missing here and you guys need to talk it out with someone who is an expert at relationships.  Just my humble opinion.

Post # 9
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I second the birth control thing…i have a low sex drive (2 times a month makes me happy…unless he’s really romantic). On BC pill, I never wanted it at all. My doctor told me to try condoms instead, too. It took a couple months to make much of a difference though. He needed to bring this up sooner, but life if messy like that.

 

Good luck. If he loves you and wants to be with you, he will get over it. Remember that! If he can’t get passed it, you are better off with someone who loves you the way you are rather than being someone you are not.

 

This will blow over and get better!

Post # 10
Member
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

hello! i am SO sorry you are going through this. 🙁

you are NOT to blame – and the first thing I would do IS change your birth control. and don’t let your doc talk you out of it – YOU are the patient and it’s YOUR decision for what medications you should be on. google whichever one you’re on and you may find low drive to be one of the side effects – this happens to a LOT of women.

Also – if you believe it will help, then I absolutely agree with trying therapy. When it comes to emotions, we as humans usually can’t deal with a lot of things on our own and that is what other people are there for. There is absolutely no shame whatsoever in seeking out help for something which you feel that you can’t handle yourself – and in fact I believe that only makes you stronger!

And I’m only going to say this – not to be mean at all – but the truth is that intimacy is a very important part of a marriage – and I’m sure you know that. Which is why – not only for your husband’s sake – but especially for yours – the counseling is honestly what you more than likely need.

All those other things you mentioned aren’t going to help until you get down to the root of what is really going on. I believe that in any kind of situation – if you don’t know what the “root” issue is then you can’t truly “fix” anything.

I just want to send you (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))) and hope that everything works out for you!

But seriously – don’t just say you will – but do it today, start researching counselors, be it through a church or your workplace or wherever. You will not regret it. (i’m speaking from experience of having seen a counselor during college…)

Post # 11
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Indiana Memorial Union

I think sex is really one of those “soft” issues that can be worked on if you’re both willing to. But if he’s willing to walk away over this, I would definitely think about that fact. A sex drive can be helped by exercise, weight loss, better eating habits, getting off birth control, counseling, sex therapy, etc. However, I would hope your fiance would want to try all of the possible solutions before considering breaking off your relationship.

Post # 12
Member
965 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

*clapping hands* for RIBBONS. Well said.

Post # 13
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Ditto Ribbons!

Post # 14
Member
829 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I am with Ribbons on this. My fiance is 31 and is having a hard time how do we say this “Pitching a tent?” He will try to please me in other ways if he cant come through but if he isnt in the mood or is insecure about sex etc I would never leave him for it. I helped him instead. He is now on meds.. a form of viagra and he has himself back and we go at it all the time lol. It was rocky for a bit and I admit I cried etc but we stuck together and worked on ways to fix it. Toys, meds etc. Now he feels like the man he should and we are happy. Def try a diiferent BC. Mine affected me 100% at one point. Even made me sick… But after all this rambling I am doing the point I am trying to make is there are things you can do and you have to actually do them. If he is willing to leave just because of “sex” well then there is another issue at hand.

Post # 16
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I agree with Ribbons but I think we should keep in mind that we probably don’t know the whole story. @sadness– you say you have talked before about this (a lot) but there is never any follow through. What does that mean? What have you agreed to and who has fallen through on the deal? If you’re dealing with depression, could it be that you’re agreeing to do things like seek counseling or switch meds, and then not doing it? Could it be that you’re withdrawing from him in other ways? 

I don’t mean to be mean at ALL and I totally recognize that if you’re dealing with depression then a lot of your actions are probably beyond your control, I just wanted to say that your Fiance has maybe been dealing with some issues on levels a little more serious than only having sex once/month. I agree if thats the only problem he should work on it before walking away, but if he has lost confidence that you WANT to work on it… well that is kind of a different issue. 

I guess the gist of what I’m saying is… I really doubt if there is a “bad guy” in this situation. It seems like you’ve probably both made some mistakes. Counseling really seems like a great idea to get you both on track and remind you of why he proposed (and you said yes) in the first place. 

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