Post # 1
I’ve been seeing this guy for about 2 months. Because I’m older, I wanted to make sure I didn’t rule out possibilities while we are getting to know each other, so I haven’t wanted to initiate the exclusive conversation and either has he. We haven’t slept together yet because I wanted to take it slow. Nevertheless, I’ve still completely prioritized him and haven’t gone on any dates since we met.
He acted smitten from the start, but I feel like lately he’s less so ( I posted about this recently) and I now have reason to believe he is sleeping with someone.
I realize this is allowed given our status, but to be honest it really bothers me because I feel like it’s affecting our relationship and it also makes me wonder how interested in me he could really be. I did want to wait a while to sleep together and he wanted to come on to NYC to my school reunion, which I declined, so I wonder if that caused him to start seeing someone else.
Because he is obviously not that serious about me at the moment, my ideal scenario now would be to go on a few dates, rule some prospects out and then figure out where he stands. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m not ready to ask him to be exclusive given recent events.
I’m just wondering if that fact that he decided to see someone else means he’ll never be that into me. It’s making me feel really sad about the whole situation.
And for anyone that reads my old post and notes that I started out lukewarm about him, that’s true but I started to really like him 4 weeks in so that’s not really relevant anymore.
Post # 2
cityred : the fact that he is seeing someone else and hasn’t asked you to be exclusive means that he doesn’t want to become exclusive and wants to date more people. This is normal in today’s dating culture so don’t get offended. Your mistake was cutting yourself off from all other men and options, therefore making this man your sole focus when he should never have been. Get back out there and start dating other men who could be a better fit and eventually you’ll fall into an exclusive relationship with one that has zero interest in another woman. GL.
Post # 3
lifeisbeeutiful : After a few weeks, he told me he was looking to get married again. I think he was being honest when he said it.
Do you think he just changed his mind and got bored of me?
Post # 4
Bee, If you feel the need to know where you stand with this guy, there is only one way to find out—ask him. We don’t know. We can speculate for 328 pages and you will be no closer to the truth than you were when you started.
I totally agree with lifeisbeeutiful. Totally prioritizing this man, or any man is an enormous mistake. You are not in a relationship with him. At least not yet. Even if you were, making a relationship the linchpin of your entire existence is never healthy. A big part of your life, yes. But, your whole life, no.
IOW, slow your roll, Bee.
If his interest nosedived because you wouldn’t take him to NYC; I’m assuming sleeping together was implied, fine. He should go.
It’s not unusual for a guy to show maximum interest during the early pursuit phase. Once his quarry starts to show interest in return, he feels like he can relax a little. Perfectly normal. If he’s just a player, that will manifest soon enough.
But, at this point, he really doesn’t owe you anything. You two have not agreed to be exclusive. If you need further information, go to the source.
Post # 5
sassy411 : Thanks. I guess I’ll plan on talking to him next time I see him. It’s really hard to wait though – I think it’s going to be at least a week before I see him again because he has his kids all this week.
I’m just trying to think of a way to conceptualize all this so that I can stay calm in the meantime.
Post # 6
Don’t chase him. You’re wayyyy to eager.
Post # 7
Just because he’s interested in getting married again doesn’t mean he’s interested in getting married with you or even in the next 10 years. I’m highly interested in doing lots of things I may never even do.
Keep calm by not making him a priority or all that important until he makes you a priority. Date other men, pick up new hobbies, stop picking apart his every move or word to ‘make sense’ of what he ‘really’ means.
Post # 8
HappySky7 : Supernurse : thanks everyone. I’m sick and feel kind of down so I think this is taking on more importance than it should, but I’m going to schedule a bunch of dates next weekend in order to take my mind off of him, which seems to be the consensus of what i should do.
Despite that I’m going to take the right steps, I’m still disappointed. I just counted and we’ve been dating for 10 weeks and while I admit I wanted to take things slow at first, I feel like things are going backward if they aren’t progressing by now.
Post # 9
Honestly, most mature adult, sexually active men, won’t wait for you. They get tired, and crave sex. After 2 mobths, he’s probably keeping you at a distance so he can see others.
Post # 10
You’re frustrated that the relationship hasn’t progressed, but honestly, exactly what have you done to progess it? So far everything you’ve posted is how you’ve asked him to slow down or basically come to a full-stop. You don’t want a sexually intimate relationship with him yet (and that’s fine). You haven’t told him you would like to be exclusive. And he expressed interest in coming with you to an event that would expose him to another part of your life and you pretty much smacked him down full-stop.
So exactly what signals have you been putting out there to give him any indication that you want things to progress?
And now, because he didn’t just keep treading water in a constant holding pattern waiting for you to be okay with moving things forward, you’re pulling back even more because he decided to keep exploring his options (which you acknowledge is his right since you aren’t exclusive and you had planned to do as well).
Generally speaking, whoever puts the brakes on and wants to be the one to go slow then has to be the one who conducts the course and the pace of the relationship because the other person can’t read your mind and know how fast is too fast before it breaks your “going slow” comfort zone.
I mean go ahead and date a few more people since you claim the whole reason you didn’t want to be exclusive with him initially was to explore your options – even though you then did the exact opposite and are now feeling some upset or discomfort over the fact that he didn’t also treat it as exclusive even though you aren’t. But if you actually want to be exclusive with this guy, you’re likely going to have to suck it up, put on the big girl panties, and initiate a conversation about it.
Post # 11
I agree with the couple of posters who’ve suggested that he’s slowing things down because, frankly, Bee, YOU’VE shown a lack of interest. The tone of your post seems to be that you want him to want you while you simultaneously keep him at arm’s length. That won’t work forever, and I’m in no way surprised that he’s pulling away because you won’t have sex. It’s completely fine to not want to have sex, but it’s fine for him to want to date someone and be sexually active with that person too. (At this age, I commiserate with him on this; I wouldn’t be with anyone for two months without having sex. I wouldn’t have time to waste anymore dating only to find out that the person I’ve been with is terrible in bed or whatever.)
Why did you say he couldn’t come with you to the reunion? If I were seeing a guy who wouldn’t have sex with me and didn’t want me to come on a trip after two months, I would absolutely think he didn’t like me and I would 100% move on. I think that’s precisely what’s happening here. If you want things to move forward, you will need to take the lead at this point because he’s already gotten the idea that you’re not that into him.
Post # 12
I get that these feelings suck, but this is why it is important to be open and honest about where you’re at with someone and to ask for exclusivity if that is what you want when you realize you want it.
I personally wouldn’t date someone for over two months without deciding whether or not I want to be exclusive and having that talk. I figure by around a month of seeing each other a couple times a week, you should know whether you want it to be a relationship or not.
Holding back and not asking for what you want is how you end up hurt, as you are unfortunately learning the hard way right now.
Post # 13
bctoquebec : annabananabee : DeniseSecunda : sboom : I see that the consensus is that he may be reacting to me taking things slow.
Regarding not sleeping with him though, I will say that a month ago, I said I was willing to sleep with him and he made an excuse about thinking I wasn’t into it for so long and how it was hard to just shift gears all of the sudden. I thought maybe he was having physical problems due to a medication I was taking so I didn’t push it.
But since then I’ve noticed that the pile of condoms he had on his bedside diminished, so that’s why I thought he was sleeping with someone else and then had refused my offers/ didn’t want to sleep with me either to protect the other person or to protect me. I stayed over Friday night and he also sort of subtly declined things moving in that direction so now i know that he is not trying to sleep with me for some reason, which I assume is related to someone else because of the disappearing condoms.
Yet he still wanted me to spend the night – I realize that probably everyone is going to think that this new information is not really that informative and just more of the same idea that he and I are not on the same page and need to get on the same page if it’s even possible still.
I just feel like I’ve made an effort to see him whenever he is free, and I made the overture to sleep with him and I think both of those are me showing interest and should counteract whatever reticence I might have shown at the beginning.
Now, I feel like it’s too late to have any sort of conversation if there is already someone else in the picture. But, I can see my part in this and I realize I’m going to need to bring this up to him in order to feel comfortable going forward. Thanks for the perspective everyone.
Post # 14
I just think it’s sad that there is so much pressure to sleep with a guy to keep him interested.
Post # 15
caligirlinmichigan : I don’t think it’s that. It’s the general disinterest will not keep his attention.he will lose interest, seeking her lack of interest in him. Period