I think he is seeing someone else. Can this work out?

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
628 posts
Busy bee

cityred :  

I like the fact that you are taking a balanced approach.

Of course as life goes on and we get older and accumulate more baggage (ex-spouses, children, fears etc.), things are not always as simple and clear-cut as they were when we were younger. I think it says a lot about you that you can see that and can recognise that the situation is more complex and nuanced. It will stand you in good stead for dating.

I also think it’s very wise and mature of you that you are opening up your options and going on more dates.

Just remember that there is absolutely no reason to get discouraged – there are sooo many guys out there, any one of whom could be a great match for you. So if things do not work out with this guy, don’t take it personally; just pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep meeting new people.

(Oh, and please don’t buy into the idea that your age limits your options; there is plenty of love and plenty of partners to go around at every age.)

Post # 48
Member
628 posts
Busy bee

cityred :  

It won’t be a drawback for the right man. The wrong men, of course, will have all kinds of excuses why they can’t come to the table, make an effort and be available for a proper relationship and will be flaky. Don’t concern yourself with those guys.

Just keep making yourself into the best partner you can be, and keep looking for the guy who is a match for you and worth your investment. I promise you he is out there. You may need to widen your search a bit, but he is out there.

I went on dates with probably over 60 or 70 guys after my divorce before I met my SO, who exceeded every expectation I had of a partner.

Post # 49
Member
10454 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

cityred :  

Hmmmm.  I give some side eye to therapists who indulge in speculating about what other people’s motivations are.

That said, I think you’re wise to back burner this dude for now.

Post # 52
Member
10454 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

cityred :  

You’re making me nervous, Bee.  One date and this guy is someone you could be crazy about? And you feel as if you can make any kind of judgement about his having good character?

Post # 53
Member
720 posts
Busy bee

Sorry Bee, but I think this guy is mindfucking you to be perfectly blunt. 

Does his bedside table not have any drawers? Does he have dresser drawers? An armoire? Most grown men do not display dwindling stacks of condoms in plain sight and fathers with shared custody definitely tend to be more discreet than this as well. Unless of course he’s trying to punish you for  taking it slow by purposely making you wonder if he’s satisfying himself elsewhere. And it seems like his deliberate ruse worked because that’s exactly what you started wondering. And having you sleep over in his Room Of Many Condoms while steering things away from sex seems like his need for petty mindgames outweighs his need for intimacy with you. Turning you down now may also be payback for turning him down for NYC. I wouldn’t walk away from this guy Bee, I would run. 

 

Post # 54
Member
1934 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

sassy411 :  honestly, before I’d even had my first date with my husband it was different than any other connection. I knew it had the potential to be serious before we’d had our first date. I’ve never connected with someone so easily, once we actually got to talking that is. After our first date, I knew I had to either call it quits if I don’t want the distraction or realise that this was going to be something that had a significant impact on my life.

I realise you’re probably saying that she was hung up on the first guy a week ago but if there’s a connection with this new guy, there’s a connection. I was in an on again off again relationship with my ex at the beginning of the month and exclusive with my husband by the end of the month. I didn’t even really like my husband at the beginning of the month, but the first time we actually talked to each other alone (we met through mutual friends) the connection was instantaneous.

I don’t believe in “the one” or love at first sight. I don’t believe in soul mates. But sometimes the connection with someone is just amazing and can’t be denied. Maybe OP had this connection and if she did, I’d encourage to see where that connection goes. It obviously takes times to gauge someone’s character so I’d caution against her eloping a week Tuesday but the connection can still be real.

Post # 58
Member
874 posts
Busy bee

Well that’s good! Glad you had a refreshing first date with a new guy. Enjoy and see where it goes! cityred :  

Post # 59
Member
935 posts
Busy bee

Enjoy getting to know multiple people. At the very least, even if they’re not great romantic prospects, they could be fantastic conversationalists and you’ll still have a nice date. 

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to feel excited by a great first date… you’re human, why should you not? I think you’re keeping things in perspective as long as you’re still scheduling dates with other people. In fact, you should be seeing other men up until you feel the exclusivity conversation coming. As previous posters have said, you’ll know when that’s on the horizon. You can generally feel it (both internally and via vibes from the other person) before it happens. 

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