I think he is seeing someone else. Can this work out?

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
466 posts
Helper bee

loz24 :  Love this.

It was the same with me when I met my SO. I knew instantly, and so did he. 

Obviously I gave it more time to unfold and took the time to get to know him and didn’t put the cart before the horse, but sometimes, when you know, you know.

It can happen, and it’s not for anyone to rain on your parade when it does. 

Just continue to tune into your instinct and your gut, because it will never lead you astray.

Post # 64
Member
85 posts
Worker bee

cityred :  I’m sorry to see this update…that’s rough. Honestly I think it says more about them than you. I don’t have any good advice, other than give it time and keep meeting people, and keep living your life the best you can – it’ll absolutely happen for you. 

Post # 66
Member
466 posts
Helper bee

cityred :  

I’m really sorry to hear this. At the same time, I think it is a very useful reminder of the invaluable advice not to get attached until you are in a committed, boyfriend/girlfriend relationship and are seeing each other regularly. I know it’s really easier said than done, but it’s so worth it.

At the very least, don’t ever get attached after the first date or two. I know I said previously that sometimes you can just “know” with a person, but honestly even then, it is best not to count your chickens before they have hatched.

The fact that these guys have ghosted is no reflection on you. It’s a reflection of the times we are living in, where texts are very easy to ignore and it is far too easy to keep things superficial. Try to keep this in mind, and don’t take things personally. Again, if a man is not communicating regularly and making regular plans to see you in person, he shouldn’t even be taking up too much of your time and emotional energy.

 

Post # 67
Member
11449 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I’m sorry to hear this, OP. But personally, at the nonexclusive stage I’d rather be ghosted than listen to stupid white lies or hurtful truths. Certainly, the guy you went out with one time did not owe you any kind of explanation. As you move forward I think it would be a good idea to adjust your expectations to what these first dates really are, a screening out process. 

Post # 68
Member
639 posts
Busy bee

Online dating is a lot like buying shoes. You know you need a black pump for a friend’s wedding. You have in mind what kind you want to buy. You head to the store with the expectation you’ll find something and if you enjoy shopping you might be looking forward to this trip. Well, you get there and there are like 50 black pumps…but there’s something wrong with most of them. The heel is too high here, too low there…too wide, too pointy, it’s shiny, this one is covered in lace, this one has some rhinestones sewn on it…over and over and over. Then maybe you find the PERFECT one…and it isn’t in your size anymore. You ask for it and it’s not in the back. It’s just gone. Disappointed, you start looking for something that you might have missed or that might be good enough. There are maybe 5 shoes that could probably work for you…but after seeing so many options and missing that perfect shoe you are second guessing yourself. So you remember that your friend has a pair of nice shoes you might be able to borrow, and you do have those old black pumps you have had sitting in your closet for years…you walk out of the store, expecting to go back for those 5 black pumps, but you probably never do. 

A lot of people know what they want when they start online dating…but they might have too high of expectations or they could be too specific, making it more difficult to find something nice. We get exhausted browsing and trying on person after person just to have it not be right. Probably someone walked in right after you and loved the shoe that you thought had too high of a heel and bought it, just like someone else might have dated someone you weren’t interested in and fell in love with them even though you didn’t. Also, too many of us have experienced some kind of ex, crush, etc who in our minds is the perfect person we compare all others to and that makes it even harder to find something good…but you know what, that perfect shoe might LOOK amazing but that doesn’t mean it’s comfortable to wear or won’t break after the first time wearing it, just like the person might not even be a great match for us even though to our minds they are perfect. We are left with people who we probably could be very happy with if we gave them more of a chance, but exhausted and disappointed we start thinking of a person a friend could set us up with or an ex who we KNOW isn’t the right match but they are comfortable and easy. 

This is why we can’t take online dating seriously. There are too many reasons why you might be ghosted or rejected, and most of them are totally superficial because that person doesn’t KNOW you. They aren’t rejecting who you are, they are rejecting some aspect of you that didn’t fit in with their idea of what they wanted…and it could be anything from the way you laugh to the way you part your hair. It’s a mistake to get stuck on that, because the next person who comes along could absolutely LOVE your laugh and consider it a reason they fell for you in the first place. It is easy to let your self-esteem suffer but you have to remember that men find this just as exhausting and the guys who ghosted you might have found someone they fell for or went back to an ex…or just left the store because they are exhausted. It’s not anything personal about you though. 

My advice is to keep online dating. Exchange enough messages to feel interested, then make plans to meet the person right away. Keep it light, like getting coffee, and don’t call it a date. It’s just meeting. Don’t talk on the phone or engage in any activity that has you getting to know them more before you meet, because the more you know and like someone the more disappointing it will be if it doesn’t work out. Meet them and see what happens. If it doesn’t work out, on to the next. Get used to the idea that rejection isn’t as personal as we often think it is – remember guys ask women out and they are told no allll the time. Women don’t often have to deal with this aspect so it can be hard at first. We are used to the idea that guys pursue us, so there’s no question as to their interest, but this is a different forum and we are the same footing as men. Good luck. 

Post # 72
Member
1485 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

When I dated online I sometimes ghosted guys. But not after 3 months of solid dating with someone. When you first posted I was going to say that he could have been into you, but just pulled back after he noticed you keeping a distance. And in the interim he may have met someone he really connected with too who was more available and decided to focus his time on her. That’s all understandable to me. But the total ghosting after all that is lame and not a good sign of his character. After a few dates with a guy one time I noticed he wasn’t reachign out. When I asked him when he was free he had the courtesy to be honest with me, that he liked me, but he was dating someone else that he was getting more serious about. It stung a little, but that’s kind of the point of online dating. 

Try not to lose hope and try not to assume too much about a person after the first date. I met my husband online like many of my friends have.

Post # 74
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee

You’re investing too quickly emotionally re the new guy. All that analysing about his behaviour, it’s exhausting. And realise that you’re making an emotional investment in the guy when you sit there and analyse his interest and his behaviour. Stop doing that.

After one date, anything could happen. Yes enjoy the first date and make initial assessments as to whether you’d like to see them again, but try to pretty much forget about them and move on with other dates until they schedule another date. And they can get more of your headspace as you go on more dates and things look more promising. 

Dont feel discouraged, I’ve had great first dates that never asked me out again. It’s disappointing at the time but to be expected. Most people you meet won’t be your match, either from your perspective or theirs. That’s good. Don’t force it (eg the 3 months guy, I think forcing yourself to continue dating him despite the initial ambivalence is what eventually led to today, it just never really clicked or worked but given long enough time you of course can grow to care about someone). I would take that as a lesson to end things after a few dates if it doesn’t feel right or feels lukewarm.

Let’s put it this way, I’ve never regretted writing off someone I felt lukewarm about after a few dates, only regretted those I continued dating despite so, as it ended up leading to more emotional investment and emotional pain when things inevitably didn’t work, when I knew from the start something didn’t gel or weren’t right. 

Post # 75
Member
2300 posts
Buzzing bee

Is the three monther the guy you were lukewarm about after 5 dates?  So you didn’t even like him all that much, but now you are sad and depressed?  Girl…come on!  You are better than this.  

 

And I agree that you are investing way too much too early on.  It’s probably coming across as desperate, which is a huge turn off.   

IMO, you need to take a step back from dating and work on being ok with being alone.  You cannot develop a good relationship with someone else, when you are clearly struggling with your own confidence.  Once you learn to love yourself, then you’ll be ready to work on loving someone else.  

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