- 6 years ago
- Wedding: September 2013
This is probably going to be long …
So anytime I get sick and lay in bed for days on end thinking until I drive myself crazy, I end up getting in these “moods” where I start questioning, like, every single aspect of my life.
And I had the flu really badly last week and started FREAKING OUT about pretty much every aspect of my life — my job, the fact that I dropped out of college, my writing (or lack thereof), my sister going to NYU, my parents’ health, the wedding, my friends, where I want to live, what I want to do with my life, and, most related to this site, my entire relationship/engagement/upcoming wedding.
My fiance and I have been together for 4 years, engaged for over a year. The wedding is still 16 months away and as recently as a few weeks ago I was SO SO SO overwhelmingly excited to get married and SO happy with my relaionship.
But then I started thinking about literally every aspect of our relationship and upcoming changes and started the FREAK. THE. HELL. OUT.
We’re planning on buying his mom’s house but she’s still there and dragging her feet. And we have plenty of time but I’m SO confused and scared about money and mortgages and the fact that we’ve never lived together. And I can’t cook. And I hate to clean. And what if I hate it there? What if I can’t cook my future husband a decent meal? What if we argue about paint colors or the new cabinets we want to install or who parks where? What if I change my mind a week, a year, a decade later?
My parents are paying for the food for the wedding which is a HUGE help but I’m starting to freak out about all the things that need to be done and I keep going back and forth with what I want –the size of the wedding, the location, the “look,” the “feel,” etc. My fiance has social anxiety and hates big crowds and even though he swears he’s okay with a traditional wedding sometimes I feel like I’m asking too much.
Our sex life hasn’t been that great recently and I really can’t put my finger on why. When we do have sex it’s usually awesome but I have an almost total lack of interest in the past few months.
I can’t decide if I want kids. I used to be 100% sure, now I’m seriously doubting EVER having kids.
I’m afraid I’m going to lose sight of trying to have a career and/or make a difference in this world if I become a wife/mother. Like … what if I stop writing or playing music because I’m busy cooking, cleaning, and running kids to soccer practice?
I still have so much to figure out. Ugh. Both as an individual and a fiance/wife. I seriously am really unsure about what I want in life. There are days where I’m SO motivated to work on my writing and music and volunteering and other days where I’m content being an office worker with nothing special to do.
There are days where I’m super confident about my looks and body and think I’m so attractive and then days where I literally can’t bear to look in the mirror.
Sometimes I can’t stop thinking about/planning the wedding and am so happy about it and other days I don’t even want to think about it.
This weekend my fiance and I took a trip to a nearby city to sight see. We were SO excited but it was a total BUST. I was recovering from the flu and exhausted and not feeling so hot. Plus all of the above was coursing through my brain to the point where I couldn’t function and was having a panic attack for, like, a week straight.
I finally broke down and vented ALL of the above insecurities to my fiance. Like I seriously thought we were going to break up because I’m so insane and unsure. But he was just so understanding and reassuring and insisted that what I’m feeling is normal but I don’t need to “freak out” or panic about everything because we’re in this together. And he promised to stand by me no matter what I decide to do with my life — career, kids, whatever.
I’m really relieved and happy that he’s so patient and understanding but … I don’t know. I just can’t shake this uncomfortable feeling of just FEELING this way. Like, why was all of that going through my head? Is it normal? Is it a warning sign that I should end our relationship? Or postpone the wedding? Or go back to college? Or check myself into a mental facility?
God I seriously DO NOT know what to do or how to feel. I just feel so uncomfortable and confused.
I mean it feels good to know that my fiance still loves me and has the patience to stick with me through all of my confusion but I feel SO. GUILTY. for even thinking about all of this.
I’m so unsure. I mean I don’t doubt my fiance’s love for me. And I know he’s going to stick by me no matter what. I guess … maybe … what if … I’m nervous that I can’t/won’t/don’t want to do the same for him?
Oh god I am a horrible person. What the HELL is wrong with me?