(Closed) I think I am going to ask him to move out…..

posted 12 years ago in Waiting
Post # 17
Member
8375 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I definitely agreen with greenleafmountain. There is probably more going on–he has some valid concerns about money. And honestly, I don’t know too many men who want to propose with a cracker jack ring, get married by the Justice of the Peace, and have a $50 wedding and call it a day. I know we talked about getting married for about 1.5 years before it happened. Why? Because there were lots of other factors to address besides, “i want to get married now”.

And, if he’s only 25 or 26, it’s completely possible he’s just NOT READY for marriage. Not every man in their mid-20’s are. Some are, but I’d say it’s probably about 50/50. Don’t we all have friends not ready for marriage? Plenty of my guy’s friends in their mid-20’s are just not ready. My husband wasn’t ready to propose until he was 26. We were together 3.5 years by the time it happened. I was ready before him, but I just had to chill around and he’d tell me, “don’t worry, i’ll do it, why else would i be with you?” and i just had to trust that he’d do it. But if you aren’t willing to wait while he catches up with you (you ARE 6 years older AND have 2 kids already–that’s a HUGE responsibility for a guy to take up. Two kids could be a little scary, have you addressed all that with him?), then let him know that. But, you could also end up forcing him to marry you if you give him an ultimatum, and in the end, that may backfire.

If you REALLY think he’s getting his milk for free, maybe you need to just bring it up with him–tell him you feel taken advantage of because of XYZ. Sit down and put into play a plan of action. It’s not all about leaving it up to the man necessarily when you share a life together as the two of you do. A relationship is give/take, but if you’re with a man whom you believe is just take-take-take, there are other issues at hand. Getting all the perks of marriage without necessarily being married is still a committment. If you guys were suddenly married, would everything literally be in place? I dunno, sometimes i wonder.

Post # 20
Member
8375 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

If he won’t discuss money with you, that’s a HUGE red flag to me. I’m completely taken back that you don’t have an open relationship in regards to finances. That’s a #1 thing in a marriage !

No, if he’s not ready, he needs to be honest about WHY…what are the concerns, ya know?

Sounds like a break in communication. Not necessarily only on his end, either. You need to talk to him about these things. Communication is a two-way street.

Post # 22
Member
8375 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Don’t let him get away with those cryptic responses! Those are the worst. Stop him right then and there and say, “look, this is ridiculous. We need to be on the same page and you are not being clear. You’re evading my questions”. You are letting him give you vague responses! Just call him out on it. It works for me. My husband used to be sorta, “ah, don’t worry about it” and I am very “i want to see it in writing, how will this work?” I am very Type A about everything, so the lack of clarity would drive me bananas.

Post # 24
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Well what is most concerning for me is that you say he won’t discuss financial issues with you. While financial issues are known to tear marriages apart the real root cause is not being able  to talk about them, deal with them and overcome them in a healthy, respectful manner.

While my situation is not your own, I have been with my BF for 3.5 years, and lived with him for a year, and moved out because it was clear we were not on the same page. Living with someone is something I wanted to only do if I was engaged. Things happened though, so we moved in… Anyway, a year later, I moved out. And I have to say – It’s the best thing I did. It gave us a clear perspective on what we wanted from each other and what page we were on.

At this point, I’d tell you that, you probably already know what’s best in your heart, no matter how hard it might be. You have a family unit (you and your kids) and you need to do what’s best for you guys. Personally, I’d say move out (or move him out). You’ll learn a lot about how strong your relationship is. Otherwise, your unmet expectations will grow into resentment (this is what happened to me) and then there’s just really no good way out from there.

 

Post # 25
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

You’re not wrong. You need what you need. If some people are OK waiting longer than you, that is their prerogative. I think because you have children, it’s more important for you to be certain about your future and theirs. This makes perfect sense to me.

Marriage is very important to you. If he’s not ready for marriage now and not willing to even say under what circumstances he will be, then I think you are perfectly within your rights to ask him to move out. You don’t necessarily have to break up with him, but sometimes people need a good kick in the a**. Either he’ll sulk and pout, or possibly he’ll man up.

Trust your instincts.

Post # 26
Member
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

If marriage didn’t change anything, people would not get married.

You can be happy in a relationship in your day to day life and love each other very much and not want the same thing for your future. If that is the case, then there will always be one person in the couple that’s unhappy.

It is important to discuss those things, and to be very honest with one another so that if there are unreconcialable differences on some dealbreakers, nobody waste their time, each can move on. This is the fair thing to do. By not talking, or by saying that it will happen sometime in the future but not being sincere about it because he’s afraid to hurt you, he is not being fair and wasting both of your precious time… With only one life to live and not knowing when it will end, time is a not a luxury that you can just spend in relationship that do not bring you where you want to be.

Love is essential, but it is unfortunately not all. Happiness can be found with more than one partner in life, what makes the marriage work is, on top of love, when the two want the same things and are committed to making it work.

 

Post # 27
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

From everything you have said it seems to me that the bigger problem is that you two aren’t communicating effectively about you expectations about the future.  You have told him what you want over and over but you can’t get any feedback in response from him, which is a major problem.  Waiting for a proposal that you are confident is coming because you and your partner have been open and honest about the issue is one thing, waiting for a proposal that you really have no idea will ever come is a whole different animal.  Would you consider suggesting counseling to him?  A counselor would likely point out to him how poorly he is communicating and draw him out a bit.  Plus his reaction to this request would also help you know if he was committed to working things out or not.

Post # 28
Member
3952 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

As a mom remarrying at 41, let me say this.  My Fiance told me within three months of dating that he was the marrying kind of guy and if I didn’t want it then he wasn’t the guy for me.

We just recently moved in together, but as engaged and within a month of our wedding.  As a mom, I have to say I’m not fond of the whole living together thing without a FIRM committment and a date set as a parent.  Kids have it hard enough these days, but bringing somebody in or out of their lives was something I couldn’t do after my divorce and after how my ex husband hurt my son emotionally.

I’m not sure why he has accepted the role of stepdad without the marriage.  That is a bit confusing to me.  

I believe 3 years is long enough and while the economy is tanking, he can get you a ring now (doesn’t have to be ginormous) and upgrade later if thats’ a concern for him.  Like I always say, it’s not the size of the ring, it’s the size of the love.

What is the big red flag to me is his inability to discuss why you aren’t engaged yet or the money issue.  Two huge issues and barriers.

Imho, he may be delaying them as long as possible (having the talk) b/c it will make him CHOOSE and you will have to hear that.

Btw, who pays for most of what in your household.  You or him.

And also remember, he has had 3 years of all talk and no do.  And if he did now, would it be because of love or out of financial need?  Only you would know the answer to this.  And it’s the big question.

Its’ painful I know and understand, but with all the talk and lack of specifics it would concern me as well as his dodging the big issues between us moving ahead together.  My Fiance, while it took him 2 years to propose, had been saving up for a whole year for the ring and also had a valid timeline for us he had no trouble talking about.  Guys with a plan do that.

No matter what your decision, weddingbee will be here when the time is right and you’ve got friends.  Put your needs and your childrens’ needs first!  If he is too afraid to have a grown up sit down talk about your future or about money, then I’d make the decisions for him. 

 

Post # 29
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Also, can I clarify something: I am not saying that marriage doesn’t mean anything or makes no difference, etc.  Obviously if I’m getting married, it’s because I think it’s important.  I phrased my comment that way as a way of asking “What’s the rush?”.  I was trying to figure out why someone who was otherwise happy in a relationship would consider ending that relationship if there wasn’t a marriage right now.  If it was a matter of “well, we don’t want to live together without being married” or “we want to be married before we have kids” then I would understand, because the lack of marriage was preventing the relationship from moving forward.  But the OP said that moving in together had been rushed already, so I was trying to understand why she was trying to push for a marriage that one partner said he wasn’t ready for- if the relationship has already been rushed a bit, what was the motivation behind trying to rush it further if the current situation wasn’t making her unhappy?

So yeah, I was in no way saying that marriage wasn’t important or didn’t mean anything. Sorry if that wasn’t clear.

Post # 31
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Let me preface, you don’t need to respond to anything I say, but I try to put points on the table to help you be reflective. I’m pretty biased because of my own experiences.

Relationships where only one person does the work, do not work.

Is your relationship pattern, one that you want your children to repeat?

I can see that you are trying to communicate about the issues, but when he says “I will work hard to make things better” tell “alright how, show me now, lets work on it right now. Right here, this is where it starts.”

The hard part is being confrontational. Especially living together. I had a hard time asking for what I needed when I lived with my SO. Since we weren’t married, I kind of felt like, “I don’t have a safe space, if he rejects me, I’m stuck here, in this home with him, alone and dejected.” So I chose not to push for the answers I needed. Since I’ve moved out, we’ve made SO MUCH progress, because I don’t have to worry about pissing him off and then “going to bed angry”. That’s a part of the commitment I’m sure you’re missing. To feel like, he really accepts you (good/bad/upset/content) and that you can say anything. I think that’s a part of the commitment that means the most to women, we all have a *right* to be ourselves in a relationship, but sometimes we feel like its the *ring* that shows us “I’m not abandoning you because you say something I don’t like” – we want that assurance that we can just BE and won’t be left.

Now this is not the case in a lot of relationships, however in relationships where communication is lacking, this is seems to be a trend. Having been in one where communication was limited, I can relate. Having found a way out of it, I’m just trying to tell you to stand up for yourself because no one else will.

Sorry, done ranting now 🙂

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