(Closed) I think I could be the worst military wife ever…

posted 8 years ago in Military
Post # 3
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

You are not the worst military wife ever. You are simply in a rough situation at the moment. Take a deep breath, make a yourself a cup of tea/hot cocoa/something comforting and take a moment to relax.

1. We all freak out and worry about our men when they are away from home for the night. Yes, you might have known that he would be away a lot when you met him and knew he was military, but sometimes knowing and experiencing are two totally different things. Nevertheless remember that worrying and freaking out are natural. Give youself a chance to break down but recognize that it doesn’t accomplish anything. Once you are done crying, throwing/punching pillows, and gnawing at your nails, find a productive way to spend the time and view the time apart.

2. Moving away from family, friends, support, etc is insanely difficult. It is also difficult to move to a new place and try to make friends. I don’t care how old or young you are, making new friends is difficult. So, start small. Maybe ask about the wives of the guys with whom your man works. Try setting up a lunch meeting with them, invite them over for tea. If they have kids around the same age as your daughter, try setting up a play date.

Along those lines, use your daughter as means of meeting other people and keeping busy. Does your daughter go to the local school? See if you can get involved with the PTA (maybe not now that it is summer) but maybe sign her up for lessons at the local Y, youth sports, anything. I am sure that those groups would LOVE to have a new parent help out. It would get both of you out of the house and meeting other people too. 

3. Stay busy. Find new activities to do in the area. Start a new hobby, work out, anything. You might find that by doing these things you are also in positions to meet new people.

4. Seek out real help if you need it. MIlitary One Source is a great source for military members and their families. They offer counseling and other forms of support. If you belong to a church or synagogue, talk to someone there. Clergy are trained to help people deal with difficult situations. Perhaps just having someone listen will provide the help that you need.

5. Use your resources. Along with MIlitary One Source, there are a LOT of websites dedicated to helping women whose men are in the military. I can think of several off the top of my head, but since my man is Navy not all would help! lol However, at least one, Cinchouse.com, is a website where women (and some men!) who are dating/engaged/married to military members can go to ‘hang out’. There is a good chance that you could meet someone in your area and use that as the first step to forming a new support group of friends where you are living. In addition to the internet, check out things on base. I am not incredibly familar with CG bases and such, but with a military ID you can get on to any type of military base (Army, Navy, Marine Corps, Air Force…) if the CG base where your hubby is at doesn’t have the CG version of a Fleet and Family Services (not sure what they call it) perhaps there is another military installation nearby where you can get the same information. They might be able to offer some good advice and point you in the direction of activities/support groups to help out.

In the end, best of luck to you. ::hugs:: Feel free to PM me if I can do anything more to help.

Post # 5
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

I think something you may not realize is that in the military you are not always working hellacious hours.  You do one tour with really bad hours (sounds like that is where your Fiance is at right now…) and then you’ll go to a tour with much better hours (which it sounds like is what he had in TX).  So it goes in cycles.  This is a bad cycle, but when he transfers duty stations, you’ll probably see better hours.

Try not to put everything in absolutes.  (Examples: “I’ll be alone forever.”  “I am completely alone.”  “He never sees us.”)  Absolutes make situations seem impossible.  When you catch yourself saying something like that, immediately rephrase it to what is the reality.  (Examples: “I’ll be alone until he gets home.”  “I’m here with my daughter.”  “He sees us at night and on the weekends.”)  By putting things into their correct and true perspective, it won’t allow you to get so emotionally caught up.  Also, try to analyze and rationalize rather than allowing yourself to succumb to emotion and just cry.  Focus on the facts, like he does come home, and you enjoy his company.  It’s easy to focus on things that frustrate you, but you should try to focus on the positives instead.

About your daughter: one reason your daughter may be experiencing separation issues is because you yourself are experiencing those issues and she is mirroring your actions/emotions.  If you are crying and sobbing and upset every time he leaves, then she will be too.  If you are feeling very lonely, it is natural that she will want to sleep in bed with you because she will be lonely too.  I think that professional counseling would be a very good idea for you, it sounds like you are clinically depressed.  Don’t simply get a prescription and think that will solve it.  You should talk to a counselor and work through your issues with him.  There should be someone available for CG wives.

It sounds like you don’t have a lot of information, I would ask your husband for two different things: the name and phone number of his command ombudsman.  The ombudsman is a spouse who keeps in contact with all the spouses and provides them support and information about what is going on in the unit.  The ombudsman could tell you about counseling programs they have, as well as social gatherings, and recreational things you could do to help pass the time.

So don’t worry!  Stop being so down on yourself, you aren’t a bad wife or person.  You are just in a new place and need a little help, we’ve all been there.  Chin up!

Post # 6
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I completely 100% agree with MightySapphire.

When Dh first got deployed I was  big hot mess for the first month. “omg 15 months is so long. I won’t get to see him until May, omg!” crying and feeling awful and putting the ‘absolutes’ on everything like she mentions.

Then i realized his deployment is what i make of it. I found this advice on an Army Wife forum somewhere. The ladies said I can crumble, be a mess, and basically be sad for 15 months, or I can spin it to something positive. And I did. I kept myself busy, I forced myself to look at the glass half full, and I rationalized what I was feeling. And I ALWAYS looked at the end of the tunnel. It wasn’t “may is so far away”, it’s “may it getting closer”.

Being a military wife requires a change in mindset. You have to be proactive about it so you don’t resent your husband (i totally get why you are though) and you have to find happiness within yourself, without him being in the picture. Alone all day? Do something YOU want to do. Don’t focus on him being gone, focus on the YOU time. I do think it sounds like you’ve reached the stage you may want to reach out to a counselor on base, though. Also, network with the over wives–they’re tough cookies and will inspire you to be a good, strong role model for your daughter, which will in turn, make you feeel more empowered.

Post # 7
Member
606 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

It might help you to find other wives on your base/nearby who are in the same/similar situation or have been there and have ideas on how to get through it. Military wives stick together!! Perhaps you and your husband can take your daughter to build-a-bear or something like that and make a special bear or other animal, together, so she has something when he’s away working. Just a thought.

Bella 

Post # 9
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I hope you are doing better this week! 

I think the best thing to do to help get moms/other women to be friends is to act happy and content.  If you are at the playground act like you are having SO much fun etc. If you sit there and look depressed/lonely/etc you will come across visually as antisocial which will make you see unaproachable.  

Post # 10
Member
2395 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

If you are the worst military wife, then I am the DOUBLE DOUBLE worse military wife. lol  You are fine.  Your feelings are normal.  The other gals offered some great advice.  My Darling Husband and I are apart until October (big bummer…was supposed to only be until Sept.) and I know I have put him through the ringer on how hard it is, or how much I miss him, or any other thing to complain about.  Thankfully, he’s understanding and lets me boohoo and cry when I need to.  And I try to be as strong as humanly possible for him.  However, we don’t have kids, so I can’t even imagine the stress that adds.

Post # 11
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2010

hmm with you daughter crying tell her if she is old enough

that her daddy loves her and does what he does to protect her

he is a hero

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