(Closed) I think i just did all the things you’re not suppose to…and it worked!

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
320 posts
Helper bee

That’s great!!  I hope that your SO truly takes your conversation to heart, and doesn’t revert back to old habits after a few weeks. Best of luck to you!!

Post # 4
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’m glad you had the conversation, but this doesn’t mean it “worked”. There are so many stories of girls who get a timeline and then the guys don’t meet it.  It sounds like you pressured him, after he told you he wasn’t ready, and he said what he needed to in order to calm you down and keep you around. 

Post # 6
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I like your logic with him, though – I wouldn’t feel at all comfortable, either, with putting a lot of my money into a house that may or may not be “ours.” I’d definitely need that security, too. Just check over the next few months that you’re both on the same track – cutting back financially to put into a marriage/ring/honeymoon fund.

Post # 7
1830 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

All the points you made to him are completely valid. I think that girls who just whine and bitch about “but I wanna be maaarrrriiiieeed” are the ones that are “pushy” when they do things like get angry and set ultimatums. You’re just trying to plan out and live your life. Kudos!

Post # 8
3718 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I also found the “not mentioning it” approach didn’t work for us. When my boyfriend saw how much it affected me to see everyone get engaged and asking me when it was our turn, it caused it to click in his head. It literally was one bitchy comment (I know it’s not happening tonight and I’m fine with it, but it’s going to hurt tomorrow when everyone asks if we got engaged and implies you don’t love me enough when I say no”. A day later he gave me a 2 month timeline and he bought a ring this week. There is a difference between pressure, nagging, abd being honest about your needs. My boyfriend had no idea how I felt and decided to propose a little sooner because of it.

Post # 9
1109 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Rush1986:  I think you had every right to tell him how you felt. You have a house together and he expects you to dump large amounts of money into its repairs but he’s not “ready” to be married… That deserves a bit of an explanation IMO and I’m glad you brought it up. Hope it works out!

Post # 10
2775 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Good for you for standing up for yourself.

More power to you bees who had success with Mr. Bee’s plan, but I find utterly ridiculous the idea that women – especially women who have been with their SOs for YEARS and are already playing the role of a wife without any of the legal and social benefits – should have to tiptoe around the subject of marriage lest their SO feel “nagged” or “pressured”.

Seriously, after 3 years and a house, it is a more than valid topic of conversation.

Post # 11
2892 posts
Sugar bee

That’s awesome. But I don’t think what you did was something that you “aren’t supposed to do.” What you did was healthy communication where, while you allowed him to feel how he felt, you also owned your feelings and presented them in a manner that could be understood by any reasonable person. What you aren’t supposed to do is be pushy, passive aggressive, nag, fail to have big conversations like that. There’s nothing wrong with being in different places, but there is something wrong with not talking it out. My guy had that “light” moment as well after a big conversation. It ended with him saying, I really don’t know why I wasn’t thinking about it more seriously before- I should have, but I didn’t. 

Does that mean it’s guaranteed he’ll follow through? No. But your chances are much better and now that everything is out in the open and everyone understands each other there will be no guesswork and things will probably run smoothly in a positive direction. Proud of you lady! 🙂

Post # 12
2143 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

That’s so good! I think it’s unfair that it’s considered unreasonable for girls to express what they want in life to their SOs, and we’re just supposed to wait around for them to decide things on their own, rather than deciding as a couple. I think you should always be honest in relationships.

Post # 13
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@sailor:  I totally agree!!

OP: Good for you! Sometimes men and women speak different languages and you just have to tell him your feelings in terms that he can understand.

Post # 14
5892 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

@claireos:  Agree. You are suppose to be talking about it, not nagging or pushing. But the cornerstone of a healthy realtionship is being able to talk about what you need.

Post # 15
748 posts
Busy bee

I agree, this is not really a violation of Mr. Bee’s plan. It’s a healthy discussion, and good for you for having it. I try not to bring up marriage/engagement on a daily basis either, and waiting for when he thinks it’s the “right time” for that step and surprise, but I have made it clear to him that I won’t be sticking around for too long just as “his girlfriend” while living together.

Post # 16
692 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I honestly think Mr. Bee’s plan should only be used either after getting a timeline (and thus, use the plan to push it out of your mind while your SO works behind the curtain) or when ‘serious discussions’ aren’t getting a solid answer and you need to step back and maybe let him think about life without you for awhile.  It is absolutely important to make sure both partners are on the same page, or at least, aware of what page the other is on.  And that’s exactly what you did, and it worked and that’s awesome!  Congrats!

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