(Closed) I think I made a big mistake

posted 1 year ago in No Kids
Post # 2
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

You can’t control what others think of you, if they’re judgmental types they will judge away no matter what. Does your husband agree he should have full custody? How often would your sons have contact with you?

Post # 3
Member
4103 posts
Honey bee

If being a mother makes you that unhappy and you feel burdened by your sons, then it is best for them that their father has full custody. As far as the divorce, it happens. Sometimes you don’t end up marrying the right person. Some people choose to stay in unhappy relationships, and others choose to leave. There’s no right or wrong answer, you do what’s best for you.

Post # 6
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Your actions have consequences, people will judge you, especially when a mother leaves her kids. You will just have to put up with that.

What you should be worried about really isn’t the judging eyes and gossip, it’s the negative psychological impact you’re going to have on your children. Your husband may be a great father. But trust me as a child has been through this and has a great father, nothing and I mean nothing can prepare a child for being abandoned by a parent, which is essentially what you come across as wanting to do. 

Post # 8
Member
5556 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

You’re considering marriage with someone who will only be “okay” with short visits or holidays with your children? I think you’re getting carried away with this relationship and forgetting that you have two children. You keep saying you think your husband will be a good father, is he not already a father? Do you mean you’re giving him full custody? 

Im not sure why you think people will judge you for your new relationship, surely they already know you have moved out and therefore your marriage is over? If you are talking about them judging you for picking this new guy and leaving your whole family, kids included, well I don’t think you can really avoid that. At the end of the day you can control your own actions but you can’t dictate what people think. 

Edit. “My husband is a good guy he can find another wife to be a mother to those kids”

Wow. “Those kids” probably would be better without someone who thinks a mother is so easily replaceable.

Post # 9
Member
1960 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Seriously I can’t believe what I’m reading.  Your husband and kids are too good for you. You need counselling 

Post # 10
Member
4529 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

morgan83 :  I think you should consider individual therapy before you jump into another marriage. You keep blaming your husband for being ‘too nice’ (as if a nice guy is the worst person you can marry 😒)instead of taking responsibility for your own actions in the breakdown of your marriage. You obviously didn’t know who you were and what you wanted in life and in a relationship. You can’t blame your husband for that. He knew what he wanted and never misrepresented himself. I’m certain he was the same guy before marriage as he was after. You changed or belatedly realised who you were and what you wanted. A mature person would never blame their partner for that…

I think some therapy will help you explore yourself more to become the authentic self you wish to be. A man won’t ever give you that or complete you. Jumping into a relationship with a guy won’t let you explore yourself especially if you are the type of person who let’s their identity be formed by whom they are with. I wonder if yoyr new guy was as into your kids, if you wouldn’t be so quick to dump them full time with their father because let’s be real that is exactly what you are doing here…

I feel very sorry for your kids but in the long run they would be better off being without a mother who obviously doesn’t really care for them. Your use of ‘those kids’  is abhorrent to me and yes people will judge you but judgement is nothing in comparison to what your children will feel knowing that mum essentially dumped them because she wanted to be selfish. Go be selfish but accept that the judgement is fair punishment for your choices. 

 

 

Post # 11
Member
477 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: City, State

The things you are saying remind me of my own father when my parents separated. For what it’s worth, I felt completely abandoned by him. He justified with ‘I’ve always provided so much to you kids’, and my mum was a great parent (which she was/is). I remember my mum forcing us to see him once a month and the whole thing felt forced. I stopped speaking to him for about 10 years. We now speak again when it suits him, about every few months. It’s clear to me that not needing to be a father was a great added bonus to him leaving my mother. Pretty awful really.

Anyway, you seem more concerned about what other people will think than the relationship with your kids. In my situation, it was obvious to everyone that my father was checking out of being both a husband and a parent, so he lost a lot of friends. A lot of his friends from school and hobbies remain great friends with my mum and not him.

Post # 12
Member
5556 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

tastastic :  excellent point about how concerned OP is with the opinions of everyone around her, but hasn’t once expressed any concern over how her children will view her or deal with getting situation.

Post # 13
Member
12096 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

Once you have children, whether you are a mother or a father, it is no longer all about you, but their best interests. You owe it to them to be actively involved in their lives, not to consider them a burden and an inconvenience. You do not decently get to essentially throw up your hands and walk away. 

And if your husband still thinks there’s a chance with you then you are cheating on him. There’s nothing “technical” about it. 

Before doing irreparable harm you should consult with a child psychologist and seek counseling of your own.

Post # 14
Member
1960 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

You brought your children into this world so you have a responsibility to care and provide for them. You leaving will scar them for good. So selfish

Post # 15
Member
3050 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I’m not saying you shouldn’t leave a relationship you are unhappy in because, yes, you should. It won’t be healthy for the kids to stay and they will pick up on your unhappiness.

And I can honestly understand that you do not feel having children was the right choice for you. However, the fact is that you made that choice and the children are here now. I would say that it’s a responsibility nonetheless of changing your mind now and shirking your parental responsibility and how much you’re involved is not a choice…but someone as detached as you are is in no capacity healthy.

So, the reality is unfortunate but sadly is what it is. Those of us that had parents similar know that all too well. You don’t get to assume they will just be fine or how this will impact them. Ultimately though, forcing yourself to be around them if you aren’t invested in it is going to be more dysfunctional to them as they will pickup on that as well.

There’s really nothing to say other than do what you need to do. It’s a situation where either scenario the children will be hurt. They’re going to emotionally deal with a mother that they can tell is forcing herself to be around them or they’ll deal with an absent mother that clearly didn’t want to be involved in the capacity she should have been.

For judgement, it’s just part of the consequence and outcome that you’re going to have to accept and work through. You’re going to get judgement from others, from your kids (rightfully so on their part), and from their father.

The way it’s clear how you feel is because you refer to them as “those kids”. You easily want to pass off your duties to a new woman. You berate your husband for just being too nice. It’s okay for that to not work for you but to presume it’s a fault on his end or wouldn’t be good for a future relationship is quite sad. You can say you’ve changed and still wish him well or hope he finds a partner on his wavelength (not chastise that how he is will drive another away). You’re okay with a guy that only is good with short visits with your kids and treating this as a do-over to pretend your choice of having children is gone now.

Honestly, I feel bad for what these kids are going to go through as they mature and I hope they too get a mother figure they deserve. I hope their father gets them therapy they no doubt will need.

You seem to have dove straight in with your male coworker and you’re going full speed with blinders. You’re still in a fresh romance stage where it’s entirely too soon to start thinking that this is the relationship that’s going to fix all for you. If anything, the only genuine thing about the relationship is that it sounds like it’s your rebellion/moment to act out the life you wish you had. So, I wouldn’t put all your stock in the validity that you both are compatible longterm just yet. You have a lot of individual work you should be doing really before even jumping to another relationship.

So, you may want to take a step back and slow down. I’d really recommend you see a therapist yourself.

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