(Closed) I think I made a big mistake

posted 11 months ago in No Kids
Post # 16
Member
437 posts
Helper bee

Separation isn’t divorce and unless you and your husband agreed to see other people during this time, YES, YOU ARE CHEATING. 

As for your selfish attitude towards your children, they WILL see it as their mother abandoning them whether you like it or not; and so will other people around you, if they’re decent human beings. It doesn’t matter how much you try to justify it or explain it away, you ARE abandoning them and if you’re coming here for people to reinforce your feelings and to asauge your guilt; well, good luck with that. Most women here won’t take kindly to parental abandonment, most people in the world won’t either. 

You chose to bring your kids into the world, you are responsible for them, such shirking of responsibilities speaks more to you requiring therapy than you “needing a new man”.

Post # 17
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

People will judge you.  Just look at this thread. Society doesn’t look kindly on women who don’t want to be mothers and they definitely don’t like already mothers willing to give up custody of their kids or who don’t want to be the primary caregiver.   I don’t think it does any child any good to be raised by a parent who is emotionally checked out or who doesn’t want to be a parent.   Sometimes staying for the “sake of the children ” isn’t what’s best for the children.  However,  this is all hypothetical right now until you talk to a lawyer.   Your husband might not agree to you having sporadic visitation and maybe a holiday here and there.  If he’s going to be the primary caregiver then he’s probably going to want a more regimented and scheduled visitation.  That might mean every other weekend and a holiday rotation.   What will you do then? Will you just walk away and never see your kids again? I definitely don’t think you should stay married or even be the primary parent if that’s not what’s best for the kids but I think you need to really think about what it will mean if you give up all visitation rights.  You don’t get to change your mind and decide you want a relationship with them years down the line.  

 

Post # 18
Member
5186 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

oceangirl40 :  I completely disagree that either on this site or in the wider world that people think “it’s okay for fathers to do that”. I think you would struggle to find many people who agreed that it was okay for fathers to abandon their children. Why do you think there is the term ‘deadbeat dad’ or a version of child support that goes back centuries? 

If a bee was posting about how her husband suggested she just “find another father for those kids” I am certain the responses would be the same.

Post # 19
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

zzar45 :  I didn’t word my post well.  I think as a whole society judges mothers more harshly than fathers who abandon their children.  Tldr part of my post is that society is going to judge OP harshly but staying for the sake of the kids isn’t always what’s best for the kids.  People that don’t want to be parents and stay out of forced obligation don’t make the best parents and sometimes do more harm to their kids then if they just left.  

Post # 20
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I won’t judge you about wanting to get divorced.  That happens. People grow apart. 

 

What I 100% judge you for is your attitude toward abandoning your children. You are fine with it and seem to have no remorse. Children aren’t a thing you have to keep you content until a better thing comes along. You are an adult who consciously choose to have two children. That is at least, at a BARE minumum, an 18 year commitment, if not a lifelong commitment. You seem to think it’s fine to leave them with their father. What are they going to think when their mom never comes back? What is your soon to be ex supposed to tell them? That you didn’t want to stay because….because you didn’t want to deal with them anymore? Yikes. 

 

You’re right. You shouldn’t have had kids. You don’t deserve those two little boys. They deserve a loving, caring mother who will be there for them, forever. Not you. This makes me angry to be honest.

 

Your friends and family will likely stop speaking to you, not for the divorce, but for abandoning your kids. 

Post # 21
Member
3066 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

oceangirl40 :  I’ve never met anyone that thought it was okay for a father to abstain from his parenting responsibilities. I hardly doubt majority think it’s okay for a man.

I also think majority don’t care whatsoever on here that a woman chooses not to have kids. I personally don’t care.

What I do care about is coming to that conclusion when a child is already here and vulnerable. 

I do agree that, even with those feelings, that OP should not be around her kids if she truly doesn’t feel a connection to them to be involved effectively. However, that doesn’t make it any less devastating for what these children are going to go through and have to process.

So, I think it’s entirly understandable for people to call out the inconsistency in OP’s narrative, express concern for her children, and be honest about the situation she will have to face.

Post # 22
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

soymilk :  I completely agree with you.  I’ll edit my post as I meant that society, as a whole, judges mothers MORE harshly than they do.men who abandon their kids.  I never meant that it was ok for men to abandon their kids and I’ll edit so people can stop getting hung up on that instead of focusing on ops situation.  

Post # 23
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

morgan83 :  Yes, you’re leaving them with their father, but you, yes you physically  are abandoning them, don’t kid yourself that you are not just because they are with a loving father. Those kids will love you unconditionally you’re their mom you’re supposed to be there for them no matter what. That’s what they as kids no and that’s what they as kids believe, you leave those kids will know mommy didn’t love them and mommy abandoned them. Better life or not that’s how it is. 

I know you’ve made your mind up and have convinced yourself it’s ok because they are with a dad who can provide everything, so what I’m saying is water off a ducks back to you, but I’ve been the kid in your kids position currently and please believe me, better life or not you are breaking their hearts.

Post # 24
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

You can’t control what others think of you, that’s just the way it is. If you really feel this way about your husband and your sons you owe it to them to leave because they all need someone in their life who will care about them and love them. (But don’t be hurt or surprised when you enter old age or get into a relationship down the road with a family man who wants your children around and want a relationship with those boys and they aren’t having it. And don’t EVER feel like it’s your right as their mother to a relationship with children you’ve clearly admitted that you didn’t want and selfishly didn’t fight for all because you feel like you weren’t ready and your new boyfriend at the time didn’t like children. You’re abandoning them and so whatever you get in the future from them was all brought on by you.)

As for this new guy: You did cheat. You had an emotional affair while married and when you separated from your husband you told him you guys could work on it when you never had any intention to and started a full blown relationship with this other guy. You need to own up to that. You’re only hurting yourself by lying about it.

You are not a victim, don’t play like one and people will judge you no matter what and if you can’t handle that, I’m not really sure what to tell you. 

Also, I wouldn’t throw all your eggs in the new guy’s basket just yet. You sound like you don’t even know you very well because someone who actually knew herself would’ve known that she didn’t want children before bringing them into the world. All this guy is is an escape from a less than glamorous life that you didn’t plan for when you said ‘I do’ and after your divorce is final you may realize you don’t even like him very much. 

You need to stop glamorizing people, ideas and things. This guy is only amazing because he saved you from a life you didn’t want. What happens when you get married and he gets comfortable and you find out he’s not who you expected either? 

Take some time for you. Find out all about you, see a therapist, find a hobby you like but you definitely sound like you’re a hot potato that can’t sit still and you will never find happiness like that.

Best of luck to you.

 

Post # 25
Member
2513 posts
Sugar bee

Short and sweet- you may need to learn (BEFORE you make any more decisions that impact on YOUR life OR on the lives of others), WHO YOU ARE. Your comments appear to portray a deep melancholy that can make walking through life a tough journey.

Put your decisions on hold, and shop for a compassionate therapist. You owe that to yourself. 

 

Post # 26
Member
3066 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

oceangirl40 :  I don’t think it’s that part just so much as the broad statement referring to the replies in this topic. Since many aren’t basing their comments on grounds you’ve described and would react the same if a man posting; that’s what is driving people to clarify.

”Just look at this thread. “

Post # 27
Member
473 posts
Helper bee

Yeah, people are going to judge you for abandoning “those kids”. You need therapy. 

Post # 28
Member
476 posts
Helper bee

You don’t have to stay married to your husband, but you don’t get to not be a parent to your children. That is not an option. Your children need you, they will always be shaped by your choices, and you had a choice not to have them. s my own mother said-marry, divorce, whatever—the only thing you can never take back is children. She is right.

Post # 30
Member
97 posts
Worker bee

When you leave your kids, sorry, “those kids”  with their father full time, make sure you both agree on fair child support payments from you. You’re still their parent and child support payments are mandatory.

I’m glad you feel like you’re happy after a long time but make sure you feel absolutely certain. From your initial text, I got the feeling that you’ve got depression and that should really be looked at by a professional. Good luck! 

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