- 9 years ago
I’m posting under a different username than I normally do, I don’t know why I am but I felt the urge to do so. I apologize if this post is long, but I’m hoping some of you on here may be able to offer some support/advice or even share your experience if you were comfortable with doing so. I’ve already spoken with one Bee about my concerns and am super grateful for her kindness and support the last couple days [you know who you are!]. Now I’m just hoping to find even more support through this.
I’m currently undiagnosed, but I’m 99.9% sure I have some form/level of Bipolar Disorder. I have my first meeting with a psychiatrist next week, and am hoping to get some answers. When I looked up my symptoms, everything pointed to Bipolar disorder, so I decided to educate myself on it, just in case. Whether I actually have it or not, I actually felt almost relieved when I read some of the symptoms. I felt like it explained a lot, and I felt like it made a lot of what happens in my life make sense.
I’ve noticed that I’ll be on top of the world for days/weeks/months at a time, life is wonderful. I don’t need much sleep during this time [I’ll stay up until 2-3, sometimes 4 in the morning and then still get up early], I’ll have tons of energy, feel hyper and have a million things going on at once. I’m ridiculously productive, come up with tons of different plans for things to do, even business ideas to start… but don’t follow through on any. I am TERRIBLE at finishing things I start during these periods. Then, randomly without warning, other days I will suddenly wake up feeling just unbearably low, feel like all I want to do is cry [which I do, fairly often], I will also sleep an unhealthy amount – I could go to bed at 10pm & easily sleep til 11am/12pm the next day, if not more. During this state, I just feel like everything in my world is crashing down. I feel like when I get in that low place, it’s incredibly intense and I can’t shake it – I also feel like during these times I almost look for things to be upset about. I usually wind up picking fights with my SO during these times, I don’t want to talk to anybody at all. I also feel like it takes every ounce of energy/strength in me just to get up and go for a 10 minute walk. I don’t want to do anything.
I only just started having these severe mood swings more often in the past couple years (usually every other week), but I always brushed it off. I just figured ‘oh I’m feeling down again’ and thought it was normal. It’s really a weird feeling, to be in such an extreme, empty, painful place… and then suddenly wake up the next day/few days/a week later feeling totally fine and happy again like nothing happened. I won’t lie, it kinda scares me at times. Especially during the crying spells, I get really scared because I feel like I’m going crazy.
Which brings me to my breaking point last week. I was at home alone and just randomly started crying for no reason whatsoever. I’m not talking one little tear either, I’m talking like… I was sobbing uncontrollably, hard, like someone had died. And I couldn’t stop. During this moment, I remember thinking what is wrong with me? I literally have no reason to cry! Stop it! But I just couldn’t. Aside from this stuff, my life is great – I enjoy my job [I’m in Sales], I excel at it during my good weeks, but tend to tank miserably when I’m having the low weeks. Life with my SO is good. So, needless to say, during my breakdown last week… it was then it really hit me that I may actually have something seriously wrong and need to get some professional help.
When I started thinking back, realizing my patterns… I realized even my boss/coworkers notice when I’m having my low weeks. On multiple occasions they’ll ask if I’m okay, that something seems wrong, I seem upset, I don’t seem like my usual upbeat self etc. I’ve broken down crying at work as well during the low points, I just figured it was due to having a stressful day/dealing with the pressure. But the more I think about it, I really think it’s because of the severe mood swings.
The really weird thing is, even though I only recently realized the pattern of my moods, I think it all may have actually started way back when I was in high school. I would stay up until all hours of the night [5-6am], cleaning, doing graphic design, writing songs, listening to music. My most creative work was done in the middle of the night, and it’s the same even now. I’d stay in my room constantly, cry for no reason. I remember my mother being concerned a few times, but I think she just figured I was being a typical emotional teenage girl or something.
Also another weird connection I made through doing a bit of research: night terrors. I’ve suffered from night terrors off/on since high school, but they’ve actually become way more frequent over the last couple years. Turns out, night terrors in adults, though rare… it’s usually bipolar patients who suffer from them. My mind was blown when I read that! Those who have experienced this condition, have any of you suffered from night terrors?
I apologize for rambling, but I was just hoping to gain some insight from you guys and appreciate any feedback/advice you may have! Also, I’m curious how long it took you guys to be diagnosed? I’ve read horror stories about people being misdiagnosed with depression, or not diagnosed for years. I’m so tired of the unpredictability, the ups and downs. I’m tired of crying, picking fights with my SO. I’m amazed he’s still with me after 5 years!
I really hope the doctor can give me some answers next week. A diagnosis would be even better.
Thanks for reading guys! 🙂