(Closed) I think I may have said the wrong thing to my best friend

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
9402 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

I mean, if its a concern you have she should be able to hear your concern and laugh it off if she thinks its ridiculous.

Post # 3
Member
9521 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Way to call your friend a cow. If thats their choice you can express concerns with care but its beyond you. If anything it is her ex-husbands business

Post # 4
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

My best friend would expect me to be honest with her, and I expect the same from her. A big part of why our friendship works is because of the fact we arent afraid of sugar-coating things for each other. I would hope that your friend would know that you were just concerned for her best interests.

Post # 5
Member
372 posts
Helper bee

Sometimes people may not want to hear something but it doesn’t mean they shouldn’t. My best friend and I have had many ups and downs but I have never tip toed around her and nothing is irreparable. She might just need a bit of time to think about it and your reaction probably confirmed her doubts. Give her a bit of space, tell her you love her regardless and I’m sure she knows it’s coming from a good place.

Post # 6
Member
2449 posts
Buzzing bee

I think it says some sad things about their future marriage if they are going to sneak around just so they can have some extra cash flow. 

That’s super shady and she shouldn’t go along with it  I don’t think that your friends feeings. 

Post # 7
Member
7426 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

Your best friend’s Fiance is being shady, and if she goes along with his plan, she is being shady too.

My mom’s husband’s ex wife did this for years. She was with the same man FOREVER and secretly living with him (according to their grown children), but wouldn’t marry him because she was getting a ton of alimony from my mom’s husband. My mom’s husband finally gathered enough proof that they were breaking the terms of the alimony agreement, and was about to call her out on it and take her to court if necessary, and then she announced they were getting married.

Super shady and messed up. Don’t let your best friend get involved in something like that.

Post # 8
Member
3164 posts
Sugar bee

what her fiance proposed is absolutely awful on so many levels. You did the right thing. Can you imagine what it would do to your self esteem to fake a wedding so you can keep living on payments from a long gone ex rather than marrying your love and building a life together? 

Post # 9
Member
2663 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

View original reply
sharonlena:  I’d be thinking the same as you and would likely have had the same reaction. It sounds as though he’s mistreating her. He needs to shape up or ship out.

Post # 10
Member
2696 posts
Sugar bee

Am I the only one that thinks this makes sense? They didn’t set up the Social Security requirements.

I draw a Social Security check because my husband is deceased. If I get married, that will stop (which is fine) BUT it would not make sense to do so UNLESS new hubby’s income could bring as much or more to the table than what I am already receiving.

When I retire, my Social Security retirement check will be based on the higher of dear hubby’s wages or mine (because we were married over 10 years when he died). His wages were quite substantial and with that and my savings, my retirement is pretty much all set. If I remarry, I lose the benefit of that. My own wages are great but his were SIGNIFICANTLY higher. Unless new hubby’s wages compare, it doesn’t make sense to upset the apple cart there. Add to that, if new hubby’s wages were higher, I’d have to ensure that I stayed with him 10 years+ or else I’d be shooting myself in the foot financially.

Social Security isn’t a gimme. We worked like dogs for that money for years and years. There is nothing wrong with using it to your benefit and sometimes it takes a little resourceful planning and finagling. Love and romance are an awesome part of life but so is putting food on the table and doing so without scraping and struggling.

ETA: I’m a little surprised that HE thought of these things and she did not. She needs to get her head out of the clouds and start crunching some numbers to see what makes the best financial sense for HERSELF and her future. What HE thinks about it is far less relevant. She is the one that stands to lose in this scenario.

Post # 11
Member
1578 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I’m not sure how old your friend is, but I have family friends that are in their 70’s and it would cost them more money to get married than it would for them to just continue to be engaged. She receives SS from her deceased husband and he receives SS from his deceased wife.  My cousin had a ‘fake’ ceremony on her wedding day because her husband had such terrible credit that if they tried together, they wouldn’t have been able to buy a house. She had to buy the house herself and then really marry him. Marriage isn’t always the best option financially.

Now, that being said I see the other side too. Your friend’s Fiance is pushing getting married farther away. He doesn’t want to get married. He has a really good reason not to, but he’s still using it as an excuse.

You should talk to your friend again and see what SHE wants to do. Who’s the one pushing the wedding date back?

 

Post # 12
Member
1254 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

View original reply
leilarobs2:  No, it doesn’t make sense, because it’s FRAUD.  She is talking about faking a marriage so she will continue receiving social security benefits.   Your approach is much different and pragmatic – you have decided that you need to carefully analyze any marriage proposal that comes along to make sure it doesn’t damage you financially. I totally understand that (and I’m sorry for your loss).  

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 9 months ago by  Whirlwind03.
Post # 13
Member
4697 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’m honest to a fault and see nothing wrong with what you said.. HE is doing a lot of talking and alot of planning, and she appears to be going along with it for some reason yet vocalizes that she’s offended by his suggestion. You should encourage your friend to speak up to her Fiance if she has an issue, bottling it up will only lead to resentment down the road.

She has nothing to be upset with you about. I think any reasonable person would question his thought process.. Is it really about the SS? Or is he trying to push off getting married?

I’d be curious to know if she pushed him to propose.. This sounds like a guy who is making excuses.. He’s making all of their future plans himself without her input and she is talking to you about how she feels instead of him.

One more thought.. Isn’t this fraud?

Post # 14
Hostess
9084 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

View original reply
sharonlena:  Wut? Her Fiance sounds like a douche. That is totally not cool. I think true best friends can be blunt with each other. She needs people like you to point out that he suggestion is not cool. Yes, you don’t want to upset her, but they do say honesty is the best policy.

Post # 15
Member
2108 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Ew. Her Fiance is disgusting and so is she if she goes along with it. People like him are what is wrong with the world today… You did the right thing. My best friend and I are very honest with each other… that’s why we’re best friends. We give each other our honest opinions in a loving way. You did nothing wrong.

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