(Closed) I think I messed up big time

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 5
Member
3709 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Honestly, my advice to you would be to step back from the relationship until you have your trust issues somewhat resolved. That may not be the popular opinion but if your Fiance came to the ‘Bee to vent, knowing you “hang out” here…chances are he wanted you to see what he wrote. Trust issues can tear a relationship apart from the inside out and it can make your SO question whether or not you really are the person for them. You are doing the right thing as far as the counseling and recognizing that the problem lies with you and not him….but I think taking a step back may also be in order.

Post # 6
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

View original reply
@FutureMrsChaney: I’m so sorry you are upset.

This is what I think: If he can’t come to you to vent or talk about any issue he has with you instead of coming to “your happy place” to do so, then you are not the only one at fault here. Does that make sense?

 

Post # 7
Member
6994 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

i dont blame you for being upset about him coming on the bee, it is our happy place 🙂 and though guys are allowed and i welcome them i dont think i would want my Fiance on here haha… to me its just a little disrespectful (i dont go on his xbox live and talk to people about him)  so i think you have a right to be upset about that.

Trust is so important in a relationship, i try not to snoop but i’m was def guilty in the beginning of our relationship, though having found nothing i dont see the need to any more and that is the best feeling ever. Do your trust issues stem from him? or a previous relationship?

Post # 8
Member
2467 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

it sounds like there was something bothering him that you tried asking him about and he wouldn’t tell you, so you snooped to find out. in which case, it’s not just trust issues on your part, but also communication on his. i don’t know the issues of course, but i just don’t think you should totally blame yourself, communication is so so important and necessary for building trust

Post # 10
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

If he did it anon, you know sometimes guys need to vent too :/ My Fiance isn’t allowed here simply because I have pics of me in my dress up that I can’t figure out how to delete.

As for trust issues, it’s up to your Fiance to decide if he wants to deal with that “baggage”, and if he doesn’t, there isn’t a lot you can do. There usually isn’t an overnight fix for that :/

Post # 12
Member
446 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Personally..I think couples should know each other’s passwords on everything. Nothing hidden from each other..no secrets, not really separate stuff at all. Just my opinion. If two are becoming one..everything should be out in the open.

Post # 13
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

View original reply
@kalliela: That’s the theory my husband and I believe in.

Post # 15
Member
18627 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I’m a little confused.  Has he actually talked to you about what he posted online or has he not discussed the problem with him?  Personally, I don’t think it’s horrible that he wanted to gather his thoughts before he talked to you, a lot of bees on here do the exact same thing “how do I tell my Fiance this or that”.  I don’t think it’s horrible that he came on here to talk about it as long as he didn’t air your dirty laundry and point you out “my fi, FutureMrsChaney, …”

I think you need to consider going to counseling for your communication in the relationship (both of you) and your trust issues.  You shouldn’t let your previous relationships hurt your current relationship with your Fiance.  That being said, he needs to understand where you are coming from and might have to approach things differently with you than another relationship while you are learning to get past your future hangups.

Post # 16
Member
6994 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

View original reply
@FutureMrsChaney: completely understandable. I’ve had some serious trust issues with previous relationships which is why i was snooping to begin with. But if your Fiance hasnt actually done anything to ruin your trust i think its  only fair to give him a shot at trying to gain it, i mean he did ask you to marry him, he has to know your background and how it has affected you and i hope he is willing to help you work through these issues, i think the major thing here is to be completely honest and upfront about your feelings. That was one major change i made going into my realtionship with Fiance in the beginning. im hoping he will be nothing but supportive in helping you overcome the trust issue, there are some good men out there, trust me on that one.

Post # 17
Member
529 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

View original reply
@FutureMrsChaney: Was his “vent” about you, respectful?

Post # 18
Member
5089 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I know I have trust issues and they have 100% nothing to do with him. I am taking steps to see a psychologist about everything but I was wondering if anyone has any advise that I can try and use now to help repair our relationship.

Other than making your therapy appt for as soon as possible (and not procrastinating/avoiding doing it), you already know what you can do now to help repair the relationship – don’t snoop anymore.  Don’t give in to it.  It’s a behavior that, as hard as it is, you DO have control over. Every time you get the urge to look at something that’s not yours, make the choice not to. It IS a choice, every time, even if it doesn’t feel like it. 

The most useful thing I’ve ever been told by a therapist was from when I was in a “chronic procrastinators” group, as cheesy as that sounds.  She said that one of the things we needed to do was learn to sit with the discomfort.  Procrastination was about avoiding unpleasant feelings, and your snooping is also about avoiding unpleasant feelings – in your case, fear of being betrayed. You need to learn to live with the discomfort.  You CAN tolerate the fear and uncertainty, and every time you choose to do that rather than snooping, you get better at it.  Good luck!

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