Post # 1
This is my first post ever. I’ve been reading a lot of things on this site, and I must say that it’s help me get through a lot during my period of waiting. I’m writing this post tonight because I don’t know what to do. My SO and I have been together for almost 3.5 years. I had told him before that my waiting deadline was at around 3 years and that I didn’t want to wait too much longer after that if he didn’t see the relationship going in the same direction I did. Well that mark came and went and I stayed because he told me that it would be coming soon. So I extended my deadline to the end of 2012 (Our 3 years is in September). He blatantly told me in December that it wasn’t happening during the holidays, but that I should just hold on because he definitely saw us being together forever and I need to just be patient. Finally tonight, I couldn’t be patient any longer and demanded he tell me what’s going on. After a huge argument, he told me when and how he was going to propose, and that he already ordered my ring. Now he won’t talk to me because I ruined everything. He was going to do it on a trip we were planning together next month, but he’s saying since I ruined everything, we’re not going anymore and he doesn’t know how he feels anymore. He told me that out of everything in our relationship and everything we have been through, this was the one most important thing that needed to be a surprise and he needed to be in total control of it, so now that I know, nothing matters anymore. (I asked him to be my boyfriend, I was first to say that I loved him, etc.) He doesn’t want anything to do with me, and I feel horrible. I assured him before that for me knowing doesn’t mean that it won’t still be special, but he insisted that everything be kept from me. I don’t know what to do. Have any of you bees ever been in a similar situation? Anyone have any advice for me? I feel awful about what happened, and I didn’t realize that he would have this big of a problem with telling me. I hope that it’s the anger talking and not that he really changed his mind about proposing. 🙁
Post # 3
- Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California
It would be quite disappointing for him to throw your entire relationship away because you brought up your guys’ future! You gave him two deadlines that he swore he was going to adhere to & he didn’t. I don’t blame you for getting impatient & wanting to know where you & your relationship stand. I sincerely hope though that everything does work out though, despite my negativity, sorry haha.
Post # 4
Well…you’re in a tough spot now.
it sounds like maybe if you want to talk to him about commitment and your future together, don’t become obsessed with the proposal. It’s about spending your life with someone, being engaged is actually a very small part of that future.
I never understood deadlines. You either love him and want to spend your lives together or you don’t. Putting a date on when you’ll walk seems cruel and not genuine to me. You “extended” your deadline, how kind of you. That must have made him feel great, that you’ll stick around a little longer for him.
It sounds like you pushed him too far this time. I think you have some ground to make up with him. Starting with an apology might help.
maybe he’s not ready. 3 years isn’t too long, he might not be comfortable. That’s something you two need to discuss. And ease up on the pressure.
Post # 5
Was it your 3 years in Sept or is it going to be your 3 years this Sept? How old are you guys?
Honestly, I think you’re to blame. You were pushy and didn’t trust that the two of you were on the same page. I don’t blame him for being upset and wanting to call off the proposal – this is a HUGE deal for guys and it sounds like he’s spent a lot of time thinking about how to surprise you (and you should let him – I have a need to know everything attitude and I hate surprises, but I understand how important surprises are when it comes to proposals for men, and so I let my Fiance have his surprise).
I’m not even sure how to tell you to fix this. You have to do something super meaningful for an apology – you know your SO, think of something special for your apology and then take it from there.
My question though is – if you didn’t trust that he was going to eventually propose, why were you with him? And it’s clear you didn’t because you brought it up and were pushy; if you were confident in your relationship, you wouldn’t have let things get that far.
Sorry, I hope I’m not being harsh, I think you know what you did was wrong, but you seemed to try to justify things.. you can’t justify anything you did, though, IMO. :/
Post # 6
While its totally understandable that you want to know whats going on it seems like you might have freaked out on him. If he isn’t usually the first to initiate and he went through with planning alone and ordered your ring and everything he’s probably just really upset that you not only ruined the surprise but that you kind of lost faith. My fi would have been furious if I had done that. Men get very little moments like this and they can be surprisingly sensative. All you can do now is reassure him that you love him, and nothing has been taken away from the proposal. I don’t think that your relationship is by any means over but you might be waiting for awhile if his heart is set on it being a surprise.
Post # 7
@PinkPinstripes: +1 never got deadlines either
Post # 8
Maybe I’m just a pessimist, but there are SO many similar posts about this and I never believe that the guy actually had a ring ordered and a huge proposal plan. I think he made that up and used it to emotionally manipulate you in the heat of an argument. And guess what? It worked! You feel like shit for absolutely no reason and he gets to feel superior even though he’s the one who couldn’t get his act together.
Post # 9
Sorry. That sounds horrible
Post # 10
@oneofthesethings: I always kinda feel like thats the case also!
Post # 11
Deadlines, ultimatums and walk dates are emotional blackmail. They are cruel and unnecessary.
Post # 12
I DO NOT GET why proposals must be a surprise. He has to have control over it and can’t tell you anything and if you get upset because you don’t know anything, he’s not going to marry you? That’s so freaking immature. I knew my SO was going to propose because we bought the ring together, but we considered ourselves engaged from the moment I asked him if he would marry me and we decided to go ring shopping. It sounds like you and your fiance are really not on the same page or communicating well and you are not content to just wait around forever. In which case that needs to either be expressed better – “we can consider ourselves engaged right now, without a proposal or ring, and those can come later” or you need to leave.
@PinkPinstripes: If a woman sees marriage and children (post-marriage children) as a part of their future, she does have biological deadlines she needs to meet in order for everything to fall into place. So no, she can’t just wait forever for a marriage that may or may not be coming if she is uncomfortable having children out of wedlock. Because sooner or later her eggs are going all going to die and it will become increasingly expensive to conceive. If you figure most people are together two years before engagement and another one before marriage and maybe one after that before having children, and it gets increasingly hard to conceive in the early to mid thirties, if you are 28 with no proposal in sight it is prudent to walk and find someone more compatible.
Post # 13
If a guy is willing to walk away so easily because the proposal didn’t happen the exact way he wants it to…not worth it. What else is going to make him want to walk away? What happens if you get pregnant before he is ready or you lose a job and it takes a really long time to find another. He is trying to control and manipulate you. I would call his bluff.
Seriously, did he have to give you all the details? Could he have said, “i know it be nerve racking to have to wait. I can imagine that having no control must be very hard. However, it is very, very important to me to surprise you. I can tell you that it will happen in the next 6 months. Can you wait that long?”
Post # 14
@distracts: you’re assuming the OP age.
i think bringning ” eggs” into the conversation just makes women sound crazier and desperate for any man
Post # 15
@12yrslater: “Marriage, proposals and engagements are really important and I dont understand why men get to make the decisions about when those things are going to happen all by themselves.”
They don’t unless women let them. I wanted to marry my fiance so I asked him to marry me. He said yes but we needed a ring and he needed to re-propose like his dream proposal or whatever. We were theoretically going to have the “real” engagement start once he proposed but honestly everyone knew we had decided to get engaged by like week two of ring shopping, so his proposal was merely a fun formality that allowed him to live out the proposal scenario he’d always imagined. There was no “waiting” period. That always sounds like sick torture to me. I don’t think I could be with someone who strung me along like so many of the waiting bees’ boyfriends seem to do. I tried dating someone who sort of held back his committment to me once and that just lead to me breaking up with him. I just can’t stand it.
Post # 16
I think there’s a huge difference between allowing a man to control when the proposal and marriage happens and having faith that the two of you are on the same page and that it will eventually come. I also think that there are better ways to do it than deadlines and ultimatums. IDK, I never gave my Fiance a deadline or ultimatum and I never had a walk date. I certainly would have liked the proposal to come sooner, but I was in no rush and I didn’t care about the time that it came (like, I wasn’t upset that he didn’t do it sooner, even if it would have been nice) – I was confident that he wanted to spend his future with me and I didn’t think he was stringing me along.
I don’t really understand the need to be pushy and demanding and throw temper tantrums because you’re not being proposed to. If you want to take matters into your own hands, then propose yourself! But there’s something nice about traditions and something romantic about a man picking out the perfect ring and planning an amazing, thoughtful and meaningful proposal. I don’t think that I gave up any control in my relationship because I let my man do his thing.
Maybe I should tell him what I want for my bday and Xmas from now on and never let him surprise me – wouldn’t want him to be in too much control of our lives and future together! (/end sarcasm)
I think there’s a serious problem in your relationship if you don’t trust your man to be on the same page as you about your future. If you can’t communicate openly about that and trust that he’s working on it, then maybe you should find yourself a man that won’t cause you to lose sleep over a proposal??