I think I might have to cancel my wedding…

posted 3 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
2568 posts
Sugar bee

If my husband had pulled this sort of stunt 3 months out from our wedding… I think *I’D* change my mind about *him.*

I want someone to be excited about the prospect of marrying me, not look at it as a prison sentence. Like, he can EITHER marry me OR live a full, exciting life. WTF?! That is a recipe for disaster. 

I agree – get into therapy. 

Post # 17
Member
23 posts
Newbee

I think he should be screened by a psychiatrist for anxiety and depression and you should consider postponing the wedding. (I have a mental health background). When someone is experiencing anxiety and depression, you cannot have a clear discussion with them about important issues. It sounds like he is ruminating about one issue after another. Actually the less you say the better. When you are anxious and depressed your thinking is distorted and discussions will not address anything. Being married to someone with anxiety and/or depression is super hard and you need to be educated about it yourself. Is he on any medication for anxiety or depression? Ask him if he will see a psychiatrist. As hard as it it to accept, this is not about you or his love for you. You have a 10 year relationship that has lasted. To me, it sounds like he has an underlying mood disorder that can have a huge impact on you and any future children you have. Give yourself time to look into this. You can tell your friends and family you are postponing the wedding for a different reason. You don’t have to share this with anyone. I would see a psychiatrist and ask them to refer you to a therapist. If he isn’t willing to see a psychiatrist and a therapist, DO NOT MARRY HIM!!!!

Post # 18
Member
242 posts
Helper bee

I’d be fucking pissed. He waits until now to back out?! After ten years?!

I don’t think this has anything to do with anxiety or depression. He feels like he’s missing out and wants to see if he can do better than you

I’d cancel the wedding and make HIM tell everyone why

Post # 19
Member
1194 posts
Bumble bee

Why is he so worried about traveling? He can’t be married to you but also travel? Is the idea that marriage will tie him down? But if you’re only dating, he can up and leave you behind to live in another country for a year? That doesn’t make any sense. He’s not worried about marriage as such–he seems to be questioning whether to stay with you at ALL. Unless he really does think it’s fine and dandy to leave his girlfriend behind to live somewhere else for a while… 

It sounds like he just thinks marriage means that he has to compromise or sacrifice all of the major life goals he wants to achieve, which is crazy thinking in my opinion, but it’s very telling that he feels this way. It truly doesn’t sound like he’s ready for marriage if he doesn’t understand that it means making your partner a PART of all those life goals. I would cancel the wedding, Bee, and see if this can be worked out before going any further. 

Post # 20
Member
815 posts
Busy bee

Honestly I’m not seeing what the big deal is. He says he’d like to spend some time abroad, and he’s kind of on the fence about having kids. It sounds like you are too, so you’re on the same page. Lots of people would like to spend time abroad. That doesn’t mean you don’t get married…

I know I’m going against all the other posters here but it kind of sounds like you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

Post # 21
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2019 - City, State

I don’t know. I feel like last-minute panics are normal, but a message board isn’t really a good diagnostic place. I heartily agree with those who said: counselor. Even a quick appointment with a couples therapist before your wedding date (before you change anything!!) might help to set you both on the path that works for you. 

It seems pretty normal to have doubts. No relationship is perfect or comes with guarantees. at some point, we are simply choosing. And he has to either grow up and CHOOSE YOU as you deserve, and choose you every day, or gtfo and let someone else choose you. 

I’m so sorry. I can only imagine how much this must hurt. 🙁 🙁 It just seems like -that’s life, we have things come up we have to work out with our partner and figure out. Going abroad, etc: we can’t completely plan our futures, and when we join our future with someone else’s, it just requires teamwork. I don’t feel like that’s such a big deal, I guess.

I hope it works out for you, please update us. Would love to hear that it was something quickly straightened out with help- it is entirely possible! 

Post # 22
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee

Did he say “these issues are causing me to have doubts about whether or not we should get married” or did he just say that he wants to discuss these goals before you get married? 

Your post doesn’t really say that he’s questioning the decision to get married, just that there are some things that he’s been worrying about a lot lately. Maybe he just needs to talk things through with you and be reassured that you ARE still on the same page with things. It’s a subtle, but important difference I think. Especially since it sounds like you are on the same page, or at least in a position to compromise.

Either way I would definitely suggest therapy ASAP. With such a small amount of time left before the wedding you want to get right to the heart of it now. 

Post # 23
Member
264 posts
Helper bee

Hm. I have to admit the part of your post which jumped out at me was where you said you had read *his* letter with his list of grievances, but he had not read yours

This seems like an imbalance to me. You are Googling things, posting on a forum to get advice, wondering what you should do to ease his mind and make him more comfortable, telling him you will support him… and he doesn’t seem to be particularly worried about your state of mind. Sorry, but that’s just kind of how it comes across. He can’t even be bothered to read your letter.

I would love to be wrong, but I think a lot of people on this thread are quick to give him an easy out based on him maybe having anxiety and depression. Whilst I think it is entirely possible (probable) that he has issues of which he is unaware, he himself has said he doesn’t think it’s anxiety or depression.

Here are my takes on this situation. Take them for what they’re worth. :

1) He’s confused. You guys have been together for 10 years, since you were very young. You have both likely hardly been with anyone else. You probably haven’t had many (if any) other relationships, and you don’t know what else is out there. On the one hand, the two of you have grown together and done everything together and he is very scared to give that up. On the other hand, you don’t have that feeling of comfort and certainty which would come if you had dated lots of other people. There are likely incompatibilities between you which you have not explored by dating other people. I think this is the confusion he’s feeling, and it’s extremely normal and common considering you’ve been together since you were so young.

Him talking about living abroad – this is something people commonly do in their 20s before they get married – the fact he is talking about it suggests he worries he will be missing out and still has some growing up to do. He possibly isn’t ready for marriage.

2) He’s selfish. At least to some extent. He’s caught up in his own existential crisis, with seemingly no consideration for how you are feeling or the many people who are going to be affected by this wedding. He is happily palming off all the wedding details and plans onto you hoping that will make *him* feel better. He is buying nursery rhyme books for his hypothetical children and wondering whether he would like to live overseas… these are not signs of someone who is thinking practically and maturely about these things.

I’m sorry. I think you need to call a halt to the wedding and really get to the bottom of these things. With a professional if need be. Since you are not in a hurry to have children, I’d push it out for another year. It’s better to postpone a wedding than marry the wrong person.

Post # 24
Member
1194 posts
Bumble bee
  • DogsAndWine : I think the important point is that his desire to live abroad/travel is giving him doubts about marriage. If that’s happening, that suggests that he thinks marriage will keep him from doing the things he wants; he doesn’t seem to think that marriage means he has a partner in his journeys through life. It’s like an either/or for him: either he’s single and gets to do awesome stuff, or he’s married and can’t. THAT perspective is the problem for OP, I’d wager. 

  

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