(Closed) I think I ruined it. Advice? :(

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
1805 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Maybe I’m just old fashioned, but you live with the guy, you’re planning on having a baby with the guy – where is his incentive to get married? You’re basically giving him the married life without the bother of commitment. Basically the old ‘why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?’ question. 

Youve basically shown him through your actions that you don’t need marriage to live together, sleep together, and have a baby together. So why would he bother rushing to get married? If you really want the marriage first, then you have to say “no baby until we’re married. I refuse to bring a baby into a situation where you could just walk away at any time. I want a commitment.” 

That might at least spur a response.

Post # 17
Member
361 posts
Helper bee

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sidd :  if you’d like a clearer timeline and aren’t going to want to wait much longer, I’d have a non-emotional conversation. I’d ask him to think it over and then give me a timeline just to know when he’d propose by. I’d promise (and it would be true) that, once he gave a general timeline (I.e. by the end of the year, w/I 6mos), I’d think it over to make sure that timing worked for me too and then I’d stop all the blowups and meltdowns and talking about it at all and just let him do his thing. 

Separately, what you all both want regarding timing of pregnancy and marriage is confusing to me, so it might be to him also and you all might not still be in agreement on everything. Perceptions of what you want and what both of you actually want seem to have changed over the last 2yrs even if your desired timing for pregnancy hasn’t. 

Post # 18
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Hopefully he has something in the works! In March, I was hinting about wanting to get engaged and my fiancé kept on saying “don’t worry about it” and it drove me absolutely crazy. Then we had a serious talk in May and he said he needs time, he wants to want to propose and not because I’m pressuring him. He kinda laid out the timeline of use being engaged by next summer. So I totally pushed it out of my head and accepted that we probably wouldn’t be engaged for another year. Then he proposed this July! So I hope that your guy is just try to throw you off his plans. 

Post # 19
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2016 - Garden

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sidd :  your first mistake was you making a timeline for yourself. If we’re all set on making timelimes in relationships, all will fail. Instead just go with the flow. The worst feeling to have is being pressured in doing something you’re not ready for and when you do it, it may sound Iike the right thing to do at first but afterwards you regret it. 

I had a set timeline for myself as well. I was set in marrying my first boyfriend and when that didn’t turn out I was devastated. On my second time around I told my now fiance that I was going to have my very first kiss only on my wedding day. Did it happen no!! But it was a great experience nonetheless. I also told him I wanted to have a 2 year engagement, marry at 27 and have a kid maybe at 32. That also didnt happen. I felt pressured in saying yes to him in from of his family, especially when we’ve been dating for a year and a half. But I snapped out of it and told myself psh fine. LONG engagement it is because I’m SET in marrying at 27. Did It happen no!!! I’m marrying him at 25! Who would have thought that my thoughts would change later down the line and I’D be the one in wanting to marrying him now? ( he’s 6 years older than me so you would understand why he wants to marry me sooner than I expected).

If you start making timelines through your whole relationship things will fall apart because your boyfriend is the one with the million dollar question. I know things seem impossible but he said he’s set in marrying YOU. He has to show you that he’s ready. Listen to why he doesn’t think you guys are ready. Are you guys going through school? How are your finances looking like? Whatever it is that’s holding him back, talk about it. 🙂 

Post # 21
Member
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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mishybear :  Per the OP’s post, she doesn’t mind having a baby outside of marriage. It was her bf that said he agreed with her pregnancy timeline, but wanted to be married first. I can see where her confusion lies.

Post # 22
Member
1452 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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YouBeBoyAnd :  I agree with this.  This was my approach as well: Have a non-emotional conversation but make sure we were both clear on everything.  Then don’t bring it up again unless the timeline–that was mutually agreed upon–looks like it’s going to be missed.  

Post # 23
Member
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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princessbee1991 :  Well-said. I think having a general timeline is good, but not feeling you have to stick with an exact timeline. You will make yourself miserable doing so.

Post # 24
Member
1805 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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RobbieAndJuliahaha :  I didn’t say women are cows – I quoted a well known saying that says “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”  Basically it means why would a man marry a woman when he is getting sex (or living with her – so getting all the benefits of marriage) without marriage.  I could have just as easily said “why buy a bread maker when you get free bread every day?”   

Post # 25
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

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mishybear :  Did you read her post?  She doesn’t really care about getting married.  HE’s the one who said he didn’t want to have a child without being married first.

Post # 26
Member
1805 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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southerngal2016 :  well then why bother getting upset about no proposal? She told him she’d have a baby without marriage … And now she’s all upset he hasn’t proposed in time for her to have a baby by 30? Have the baby as planned. Forget the wedding. Obviously it’s not a big deal to him or he would have asked by now. 

Post # 27
Member
468 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

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mishybear :  She’s upset about the no proposal because he doesn’t want to try to have a baby without being married first. 

Post # 28
Member
1990 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK

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southerngal2016 :  OP said he’s happy to start TTC around Christmas though so it doesn’t sound like he is bothered about getting married first unless they get married when OP is pregnant.

Post # 29
Member
1805 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

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southerngal2016 :  well then maybe this is his subtle way of saying he’s not ready for the responsibility of a baby, or he no longer wants to have a baby with her. So instead of whining that she wants a proposal, she should sit down with him and say ‘remember how I had said I’d like to have a baby by 30? Well, my 30th birthday is in X months. Do you still think it’s a good idea to have a baby? How to you feel about a baby now?  It’s a huge responsibility – this isn’t like buying a new couch – this is something you’re responsible for forever. You don’t toss it out and get a new one like a pair of jeans after a year when trends change. 

Post # 30
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2016 - Garden

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southerngal2016 :  what she said is totally normal it means shes human. And she really want this to happen. And one day it will. She is a beautiful bee. HER BF WILL BE CRAZY NOT to propose soon! 😀 

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