I think I should leave- I don't want this forced proposal anymore

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What would you do?
    Leave and just move on cause you don't want something that he has been pushed into? : (67 votes)
    44 %
    Stick with it, maybe he has something planned-massively unlikely though? : (25 votes)
    16 %
    Stick with it a bit longer and then speak to him? : (62 votes)
    40 %
  • Post # 17
    Member
    1094 posts
    Bumble bee

    @MrsWBS:  this.

    No offence, but sounds to me like you have some control issues. If it bothers you that the proposal seems “forced”, than STOP forcing his hand and let him do things in his way and at his time. 

     

    Post # 18
    Member
    150 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Mollypuppy, take it from personal experience (PM me for details), the frustration you are experiencing is borne from that huge red flag that is flying right in front of your face telling you that it is time to move on.

    Your bf has probably gotten comfortable with things just the way they are not because he doesn’t care about you but because that 100% feeling that he cannot wait to marry you is simply not there.  But he does not want to be alone either so he is stalling as long as possible and hoping you will eventually accept just living together.  Even if he proposes and marries you problems will continue to pop up that come from resenting you for pressuring him.  It’s time to wish him well and move on.

    There is nothing wrong with the desire you have to marry.  But you must first meet a man who wants the same thing at the same time for the same reasons.  Your bf does not want the same thing as you at the same time for the same reasons.  Stop trying to fit a round peg in a square hole and let him go in peace without anger so that you can start to have what you want.  Otherwise you may look back and wish you had not wasted so many years.  The only one who is benefiting from this stalling is him. 

    You need to be on your own for a while to become comfortable with being alone and not settling and then be open to dating with no expectations except that you will no longer waste time with a man who does not want the same thing as you want at the same time you want it.

     

    Post # 19
    Member
    150 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Oh and let me tell you also from personal experience that a man who wants to marry you is decisive and unafraid and takes the lead in asking you about what kind of ring you want not the other way around.  The one you will be with will not be a relationship that feels like pulling teeth.  It will be much, much easier.  That’s one of the ways you know it’s right.

    Post # 20
    Member
    2854 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    Maybe he didn’t realize he would get stuck with late reservations like that? Some people are just very last minute like that. My guy isn’t a planner, so I have no idea what he’ll manage for the proposal.

    My SO also purchased the ring via credit–actually opened up a new card for it. Granted he does have more than enough cash in savings, but the point is that he did not take the cash out of his savings. He wants to pay it off monthly rather than pay for it all at once. And that’s totally fine. Less of an immediate dent in the bank account.

    Post # 21
    Member
    24 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    I feel like we don’t know the whole story- maybe there’s a reason he hasn’t saved a penny after buying a house, like unexpected expenses or something along those lines. If not, then maybe he’s put it on credit because he’s being pushed and feels like its something he has to do rather than wants to do.

    As far as planning, some guys are just bad at that kind of thing. If my guy wants to do something, he’ll have me set it up because he knows otherwise it’ll be rushed at the last second! But to say he did something earlier than he actually did it again seems like he was pressured into it.

    You’re not a bad person, you just aren’t in sync with each other’s timeline on getting engaged, and if you can’t meet in the middle for something like this, then that kind of predicts the future for you both.

     

     

     

    Post # 22
    Member
    365 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @mollypuppy:  What I don’t understand, is why people are telling you to relax, and wait, and wait more, and not talk about it, etc. 

    You guys have been together for 4 years! Your SO thinks he is old enough and committed enough to buy a house together, which is a huge financial “engagement”. When he asked you, you said yes and you committed to this financial transaction. Now he is happy, someone is paying half of something he could not afford alone, and is committed to him. He knew that you also wanted the legal transaction (marriage). He said he would commit that way too. However, one year later, he hasn’t. And I understand that what upsets you, is that he treats everything related to it as if it didn’t matter and could be left for later, or never. You know, in your shoes, I would be upset and mad (and I’ve been there).

    Now what I would like to know, is what people would tell YOU if your SO had first agreed to what you wanted, married you and now he would be waiting for you to fulfill your promise and buy a house. And it would be a year later. And you hadn’t saved a penny towards a downpayment. I’m sure you would still get criticized for not keeping your word and for making him wait and some people would accuse you to be toying with him.

    We girls face a lot of double standards, but it is not mostly because of men. It is mostly because of other women who perpetuate them.

    I don’t know the whole story, but it has been 4 years and you bought a house with him. I wouldn’t say that you are impatient and that you have control issues. Seems to me he is the one controlling almost everything now… 

     

     

    Post # 23
    Member
    365 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    @evrnenpaul:  I kind of agree with you… We don’t know the whole story, but what you said makes a lot of sense…

    Post # 24
    Member
    2497 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @soupir:  +1. I agree that everyone else is being really harsh. After four years and a house together, OP should at least have some say in the timeline and budget of the proposal. I would be furious if my SO bought a ring on credit without consulting me, because it affects how we save and pay for things.

    I wouldn’t go as far to tell him when and where to make dinner reservations, but I think it’s unfair to tell a girl that the ring is in the house and not expect that to make her go crazy. Honestly, I hate reading about that on the Bee – it’s like dangling a carrot in front of a rabbit and expecting the rabbit to not chase after it.

    OP, propose a reasonable window of time (maybe a month?) for him to propose. Maybe he needs some time to plan a proposal, but he also needs to be respectful of your feelings.

    Post # 25
    Member
    596 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    @mollypuppy:  Are you sure it’s not possible that he hasn’t been saving? I had no clue my Fiance was saving – but he had been since we first started dating which was almost 6 years ago.

    In our relationship -it was me who kept pushing back the proposal (I didn’t want a crazy long engagement and I wanted to finish grad school). He was ready within the first year of us dating.

    It sounds like he’s disinterested in the the idea of an engagement/marriage. But I don’t know the whole story and can’t judge based off of a few paragraphs. What I can say is this – if I felt like my guy wasn’t taking things seriously and that it was going to take more than a nudge in the right direction – I would leave. I would never want to force someone into marriage and it sounds as though he is not waiting for anything in particular (new job, school to be done, etc.)

    Post # 26
    Member
    1261 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    @soupir:  +1 on this. I do think people are being harsh. 4 years and a house later is a lot of time. Maybe some of these are gals who are themselves waiting long-term and don’t like the thought that maybe it’s never coming, at least not in a non-forced way, after all.

    At your point, I would be very frustrated too. At this point, you need to decide if it is this man you want, or a marriage. If you really want this guy, you need to talk to him, give him a set timeline (like a month), and see what he does. There is no reason women should have to relinquish complete control of their lives for years at a time. You should have some sort of say in the rest of your life!

    Post # 29
    Member
    6354 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Maybe he just doesn’t want to get married, or at least, not right now (but maybe not ever. Some people don’t like marriage).

    Would you rather be with him, possibly forever, but potentially never married to each other, or would you rather be married to someone else?

    Make your choice and make peace with it. And tell him that you realize that pushing him to propose was the wrong way to go about things.  Whether that’s as you walk out the door to find someone who does want to marry you, or as you make him a nice dinner or something as an appreciation for all that he actually is, your man, despite the fact that he doesn’t want to get married…  that’s up to you to figure out.

    Post # 30
    Member
    6741 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I think you’re trying too hard and forcing it. Back off.. it might take him some time, but it’s not like he isn’t committed to you. He bought a house with you. Just let him do it on his own time.

    Post # 31
    Member
    594 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 1993

    He does not want to get married.Not now anyway.  He has had 4 years.  i would move on.  I don’t want to marry someone who feels forced and he has had plenty of time.  

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