(Closed) I think I want a baby, help! *long*

posted 11 years ago in Babies
Post # 17
Member
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

None of your reasons are really striking me as reasons as to have a baby. It sounds like you need something to do, now that it’s 2 months post-wedding and you’re antsy. You’re bored, and like most women, babies sound like a good option! The next step, naturally, right? You haven’t even finished college yet, and once the baby comes, you likely will have so much on your plate your education will go to the wayside. You might go back in a few years.

All your reasons sound like tangible justifications. You sound like you’re trying to convince yourself about the baby by things like jobs, money, independence, etc. When none of it really sounds like good enough reasons to me. Talk to your husband and see what he says…because logically, financially, etc, it sounds like “bad timing” to me, but i’m overly practical.

I’d wait until your education is finished. That’s only 2 more years. You’ll be 23, and 23 is still a young mother. Plus, you want your husband to have a job. A real, steady, full time job. He’s going to be a vet tech, which is great, but there are lots of vet techs out there…wait until an offer’s in hand! Security is everything.

You already live with family, which makes a lot of sense b/c of traditions and where you live, but do you really want to depend on them for everything?? I mean, every single little thing? What if you have no income and a baby? Because you will if you and your husband aren’t able to take care of a baby all by yourself, financially. It’s nice to have the help of family living in house, but don’t use it as a reason to try to pile too many things on your plate at once.

Post # 18
Member
3525 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I understand your position. I’ve been having baby fever lately too. Really bad. I’ve always wished to have my first child before 30 so we’ll be trying not long after marriage. I would say that definitely talk to hubby first and see what he says. Give it a couple months (a year, whatever, some time) and see if the “baby fever” goes away. If not, then you & hubby should sit down with his parents and ask if they are ready for a baby in the household. I highly doubt they will say no! Most chinese parents want a grandchild ASAP! The reason why I ask is that while it’s easy for parents to say yes I’ll watch the kid -when there isn’t a kid yet in the foreseeable future- but it might be a different story when there actually IS one. I know of plenty chinese parents who do NOT offer to watch their grandkids. Nor help out around the house, their stand is that they are the parents you are now married. You take care of me and do all the housework. I’m not saying that’s how your inlaws are, just saying not all Chinese parents (or parents in general) are willing to watch their grandkids. I would seriously work out, how often are they going to watch them. During the day? Every other day? Do they want payment to watch them in the form of monthly allowances? Trust me, this is important. Who’s watching them at night? If hubby is going to night school to become a vet are you prepeared to work all day, come home watch the kid, try to study, do homework, grade papers whatnot then only get a couple hours sleep a night while hubby is in night school? And I think most importantly are you willing to TRUST the decisions your inlaws will make in raising your child? They will be spending mroe time with your kid than you will be so they will have a huge impact on your child’s upbringing. Are you prepared for the fact that you may not want them to watch them and put them in daycare instead. Are you prepared for their argument against putting them in daycare because they can watch the baby/kid?

These are just based on issues I have seen and heard of from friends from the Chinese culture.

P.S. I’ve lived in NYC all my life(not at the moment) and owning a home in NYC IS possible! If my family with my parents measly paycheck was able to buy a house when I was 10 then you can. It just might not be your dream home. One of my SILs good friends is a teacher in NYC as well and her husband .. don’t know what his job is but some kind of regular office job, not high exec or anything. They have 2 kids and have a really nice home! And there are lots of opportunities to make extra money as a teacher in NYC. Take courses during the summer (that the district pays for) and when you pass it automatically increases your paycheck. Teach during the summer. Teach after school programs. We plan to buy a house when we move back to NYC (hopefully one day eventually) because we can never go back to a apartment!

Good Luck in whatever you & hubby choose to do!

Post # 19
Member
428 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009 - Church Ceremony/Reception at The Waterford House

I would wait.  I think you should finish school so you can get that out of the way- baby+school sounds like it would be a lot of work.  Not say that you couldn’t do it or wouldn’t want to do it, but it seems logical to finish one (major) goal (school) before you start on another (baby!).  Also, I think adding a baby into your current living situation will add a lot of stress.  I think waiting to have a baby until you are able to live with your husband alone would be best.

Are you animal lovers?  Why don’t you get a pet first?  I know it sounds silly, but our basset hound is our baby essentially.  I know it’s not comparable, but, in a way, it’s helped us learn to be responsible for someone other than ourselves.   

Post # 20
Member
216 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2020 - Outdoor ceremony, banquet hall reception

I agree with Beagle, try getting a puppy! It’ll give you something to focus your energy on that’s not as huge of a responsibility as a baby.

I feel you on the baby urges though. I’ve been feeling them as well. But it’s because I feel the need to fill the void left by not having a wedding to plan. Mr. Powder Puff and I are a few years older than you and your husband (26), and we’ll be waiting until we’re 29 or so to even try to conceive. You’re so young, enjoy being married for awhile! Focus on school and your husband. Even if you wait a few years, you’ll still be a very young mom.

Post # 21
Member
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I also agree with Gerbera that owning a “home” in NYC is completely possible.  Just because something is an apartment or a condo does not mean that it’s not a “home.”  NYC is different than most of the country in the fact that real estate prices are crazy, and that people don’t really live in the traditional “house,” per se.  My fiance teaches an an extremely affluent private school and the majority of the students and their families live in apartments.  That’s just how it is in NYC.

However, I remember you saying earlier that you live pretty far out in Brooklyn.  If you are comfortable living that distance from Manhattan, then you would probably be comfortable in the further sections of Queens or the Bronx where you can buy an actual house.  Several of my friends and co-workers live in Queens in actual free standing houses — one even has a pool.  Long Island and Jersey could also be an option.  Personally, someone will have to drag me kicking and screaming from Manhattan when we get priced out ;o)

Anyway, I agree with other posters that now does not seem the right time for a baby.  You and your husband should work on your educations.  I don’t know if you have your masters’ yet, but looking into the teaching corps (I think that’s what it is) and you can teach in a low-income neighborhood while the city pays for your masters degree.  And as a previous poster mentioned, there are tons of ways to make extra $ as a teacher, both during the year and in the summer.

Post # 22
Member
984 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I would wait, we’re not yet married but I get the baby fever at times but usually in a week or two it passes. I’m going to be a teacher as well, I’m not sure what the curriculum is like in NY but classes here in Ohio are hard. I have various student teaching experiences starting with 2 days, then 1 week, then 6 weeks, then 15 weeks. The six weeks of student teaching was killer because I was expected to take regular courses on top of that. The work to become a teacher is hard and I think having a child would be very difficult and strenuous with the course load. Like I said, I have no idea what NY’s standards for teachers are but I can’t imagine they are much different. I did go to school with some “non-traditional” students who were a bit older that had children, they had a hard time because of the workload, more so because they didn’t get to see/spend a lot of time with their kids.

Ultimately, it’s like you said, it’s up to you and your husband, but my opinion is you should wait. Finish school, if you have to take extra course work to finish faster, it’s a little more difficult but it may be worth it to finish up quickly. Also a suggestion about your transfer credit, I would try to fight for transfer credit, there is no reason that credit shouldn’t transfer, you did the work for it. I had to do that when I transfered as well but it was worth the argument. If anything try for partial credit. Totally off subject there…enjoy some time being married, get your education, then have a baby. It’s good that you know it’s no walk in the park but adding in school and part-time work it could be down right killer.

Good luck!

Post # 23
Member
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I agree with the rest of the ladies, I would wait. Finish school and then maybe start trying, you’ll still be young. Trying to finish school and raise a baby at the same time is difficult. Talk it over with your husband and see how he feels. 

Post # 24
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

I’d wait too.  Teacher salaries aside.  Renting or buying, aside.  You still need to finish school.  It is a lot harder to work on your schooling and career once you ahve a baby.  And while you want this all to be asurprise to your parents, I thik if you are counting on free grandma babysitting, you need to iron that out before getting pregnant.  What if they don’t want to babysit and you’re already pregnant?  Or if they wind up too sick to care for a baby?  Then you’ll be spending money on daycare, and you’re putting money into school, not getting money for work.

Sometimes we need to be flexible, especially with baby timelines.  I think waiting to have babies, (and that possibly meaning they aren’t five years apart -maybe two or three, or that you have a baby or two when you are 30 -I promise it’s not that old…) is going to be a better solution than you having a baby at 22, without finishing school. 

Take a moment to be objective.  Try to think of the cons, not just the pros.  Why might it not be a good idea to have a baby right now?  I know you want a baby. But you have lots of time.

Post # 25
Member
2022 posts
Buzzing bee

Timing and readiness when it comes to kids is different for everyone, but from the sound of your post, I have to agree with the other posters who suggest waiting.  Go for the puppy!  You are indeed young and will never get these years back with your husband.  I’m 29 and we are probably still waiting a few years to enjoy married life together before having kids. 

Post # 26
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Here are my personal reasons for wanting to wait for a baby.  I’m not sure if any of these apply to you, but I think they’re different than the rest of the advice you received above.  🙂

1.  Babies are expensive.  With what I’ve read on the internet and from the conversation we had with out financial advisor, we will need around $10,000 saved up for the first year of baby’s life.  This includes formula, diapers, baby furniture, clothes, etc… plus a little extra supplement for the 6 months I would be on maternity leave.  I didn’t include medical costs, but depending on insurance, you could spend around $5,000 or more for pre-natal check-ups, labor and delivery, and pediatrician visits the first year of life.  I didn’t include childcare costs (which can be over $1000 a month in some areas for an infant) because we won’t use it for the first year of life.  I also didn’t include baby savings for the future (college, private school costs, etc…) because that is a separate savings plan for us.

2.  A lot of people say that everything changes after you have kids, and I’m honestly a little scared for that.  I know that not all change is bad, and that some people have a harder time than others, but I love the relationship my husband and I have right now.  It’s so easy for us to be close and spend time together.  When kids come, it is going to take a lot more work for us to remain close and connected and to find time alone together.  I’m not sure I’m ready for that extra “marriage” work along with all the new “baby” work. 

3.  There are so many things that can go wrong.  Getting pregnant can take months, even years, of trying.  Not to mention the heartbreak that would come with infertility problems, miscarriages, infant deaths, etc…  I think that no one can totally prepare themselves for those situations, but by researching it, I think I will be more prepared to handle it if it did happen.

Like I said, I have no clue whether these things apply to you or not, and people in a lot worse situations get along fine with adding a baby.  If you feel like you really want a baby right now, though, why don’t you and Mr. Joe sit down to talk about how you can make that happen.  Where do you wan to be financially, relationship-wise, etc… or what do you want to accomplish before a baby comes?  That will give you some time to plan out your goals.  You can still be preoccupied with having a baby, but now you’re working towards something with a little more preparation. 

Post # 27
Member
1813 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m glad you are open to the others opinions, but I’m sure you dont’ want to hear it yet again…I think you should wait.  I think a LOT of people experience the baby bug 2 mos after the wedding.  I am turning 30 in 2 mos and am dying to get pregnant, but I am making myself wait until I finish my masters in December.

I am also concerned that until recently you didn’t even want a baby.  I think you need more time to reflect and make sure it’s not just the after-wedding-void.

Ultimately, I am sure you CAN make it work, but it would be better to wait until at least one of you is more settled into a career.

Post # 28
Member
213 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

Wait, I’m confused here. . . In some posts you say you want to be a teacher then other posts your torn between a lawyer and a doctor?  Which is it?  I’m still with the others, you do need to finish your education before you make any steps towards having a baby.

Post # 29
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@MissMelissaB – She said she wants to be a teacher.  Someone asked her why she would consider a profession if it won’t pay the bills.  She said she wouldn’t consider being a doctor or lawyer just for financial stability.

Post # 30
Member
359 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Think about this- are you thinking ‘baby’ as in cute, sweet, smells like Johnson’s soap?

Or are you thinking tantrums, toothpaste and pee all over the bathroom, stepping on hotwheels with cold feet at two am. Before you know it you get “You’re the worst mom in the world and I hate you! I wish you had never had me! No food in the house, having to bug your kids computer and pay for the texting charges that they racked up. Messes, smells, and general chaos and discord.

I’m not saying having kids is a bad idea, I’m only saying that as a parent of a teenager, there’s no hurry to commit yourself to a neverending money pit and general headache.

Don’t misunderstand, I love my child, she just makes me tired. Every day. Just don’t be in too big of a hurry.

Post # 31
Member
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

You are in a great situation to wait! I am a little envious of you! I’ll be 28 when we get married and we have SO much to do before we have kids (if we do!). We live in NYC too, but pay all of our own bills – no help from parents. As hard as it is, we’re trying to save up money for a down payment on a house in PA (eventually moving to Phila). Once you have a child you can’t go back and change your mind, I know it’s a little hard to visualize the entire picture, but maybe make yourself wait at least a year and see how you feel? Or make yourself wait until you’ve started back up at school.

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