(Closed) I think I want a baby, help! *long*

posted 11 years ago in Babies
Post # 32
Member
2029 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I would also wait a bit and see what kind of financial expectations your in-laws have for you as a married couple. I know some traditional asian parents (for example, my own family) whose expectations of lavish gifts and vacations seem to increase every year. If your in-laws see you having a baby, they may start asking why you are spending the money on the baby and not on them. Suddenly you may be spending a lot more money than you planned on! You should probably have a household discussion with them, laying out how much a baby will cost and how you intend to cover those expenses, so that they know where they fit into your financial plan.

Post # 34
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

It sounds like you’re thinking through things, which I think is the best way to start planning!  And once you and Mr. Joe sit down to talk about things, I’m sure your plans will become more developed and things will start to fall into place.

I don’t have kids yet, so I’m not sure how most people feel like they’re ready to start trying to conceive.  For me, I do not feel ready right now.  I’m a huge planner, so for me to feel ready, we’ll have to check off our “pre-baby goals checklist” (this is an actual document! lol!).  My husband has wanted kids for years now (and we’re hardly older than you), but I think sometime in the last few years we sat down to plan out our future, including the timing of children.  We’ve revised our plans here and there; in fact, we just did a revision last week.  Here’s the things I would like to accomplish before we start trying to have children:

1.  Buy a house.  We currently have an offer in on a short sale, so last week’s revision was that we’d like to buy the house and add a two bed, one bath addition and garage.

2.  Both of us have our Master’s degrees.  My husband is starting his degree at the end of the month.  It should take about 2 years, and then I’ll do mine in one year.

3.  Have no debt/have adequate savings.  We are still paying my undergraduate loans, and have started paying for my husband’s grad school, too.  According to our budget, we should be completely debt free, have 6 months worth of salary saved up in long-term savings, and be ready to start baby savings/college and education savings in 3 years.

4.  Travel to Peru and New Zealand.  We have already started planning a trip to Peru for next December.  We’ll look into New Zealand after that.  Plus, we have several smaller trips we’d like to take over the next few years (go to New Orleans, go to NYC & Boston, go to San Francisco, and go to Virginia/DC).

5.  My personal goal is to also research SIDS and PCOS, both of which run in my family, and which can cause miscarriages or infant deaths.

 It makes me feel reassured that our futures are so planned out, because I can see what we’re working toward.  Of course, an “oops” baby would still be a blessing, but this is our ideal plan.  It will probably continue to change over the next 3 years, but I think these basic ideas will stay the same: we want to be emotionally, financially, and mentally prepared before we have a baby.  Good luck!

Post # 35
Member
1091 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2020 - Oakland Manor

All I would say… is that sometimes when people have to ask a question to other people, it’s because they already know the answer and they don’t exactly like it.  So people tend to seek validation for their life choices when they don’t like the answer they already know.

My mother said she knew when she was ready for a baby because they would spend long periods of times with their friends who had kids and they didn’t want to run home! At that time, my mother was 30, had moved out of expensive DC and bought a home. However, yor’e right about the NYC language thing, but if you’re going to stay in NYC you’re going to have to get used to a condo. I have friends who grew up in a beautiful 3 bedroom condo in a pre-war building and I was surprised by how homey it felt.

 

 

Post # 36
Member
6593 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

That’s a GREAT question!

When it comes to babies i don’t ever think there is a GOOD time in most peoples lives! It really changes your life and everything in your life!

I personally am in a similar situation; however, I am a little bit older! I will be married next year (I will be 27) and we are planning on starting to try right away! But I am a full-time PhD student – The situation is a bit different as I teach part time at a University and I do get compensated for my studies (unfortunately they don’t do that in undergrad) but I still only just make enough to help my FH and I to get by. We think that this is the best time to do it not financially but in my career after I am done I may have to go into a contract post-doctorate position or be junior faculty and the hours are just not conducive to starting a family but if I already have a family started my priorities would already be set!

I say do what’s best for you guys as a couple – I completely understand that there is NO good time I just want to make sure that you get to enjoy your young twenties (there is nothing like it – best time of your life to be selfish and have fun) but if you feel like you are ready to be selfless and start a family – then go for it!

You and you Husband are the only ones who know what’s right for you!

Post # 37
Member
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think, while, for the most part, there is no “good” time, there is a “right” time, and that time tends to come when you are both ready and have ducks in a row more or less. At least when you’re planning. If it’s a surprise of course, different story.

People make it work but they give up a LOT of things in the process. And often struggle a lot more than they ever really wanted to. Big picture, it’s super hard and it takes a toll on their relationship, too. Are you ready to give up some of your husband for a child? man, i’m not! i wanna be muy selfish with him for a little bit at least. all mine! all mine! =P

But, I really do agree with what Dorsay said. Sometimes I do the same thing–I look for validation even though I deep down know the answer and then i go “man…what was i thinking?” b/c sometimes my thoughts get away with me. You really do sound like you’re trying to justify it all but it doesn’t necessarily sound plausible from an OUTSIDER’S (ie someone who means jack monkey to you guys and i totally get that) perspective.

I’m curious to see what hubby says; maybe he’s anxious, too! But even anxious and the excitement of it doesn’t take away from the “ummmm, how can we REALLy do this, logistically” or “we don’t make enough for a baby on top of this” because sometimes the cold hard facts suck. Why do you live with your inlaws and yet you guys pay all the bills?! That’s not cool. They should contribute, but then again, i know how asian households are (mine’s korean).

Keep in mind that if you don’t wait until you finish school, there is a very high likelyhood you won’t finish until your child is older and by then, you may never finish like my mom did. I hate to say it and there ARE determined people out there, but like my mom said, “at the end of the day, it just isn’t worth it” and you drop out to be there for your children. The mounting school debt is just too much for so many people. More power to ya though. Again, just the peanut gallery’s perspective =]

Post # 39
Member
40 posts
Newbee

I’m glad you had a chance to talk to him about it! Hopefully you’ll be able to come to a decision soon. You mentioned earlier about waiting a year to see how school is, and I think that’s a good decision. Like I said earlier, school takes up so much time and you might want to get it out of the way now, while you’re still young.

A couple things to consider if you do have a baby is: 1.) where are you going to keep it? In your room? In his/her own room? I remember reading in another thread that space was tight in your house.

2.) if you do keep the baby in your room, you need to consider that they make a lot of noise and often. That means that school and school work will be difficult (on the lack of sleep). You might even have to become a part time student, if that. Also, think about your husband and his sleep. It’ll be hard working a full time job and going to school if he wakes up everytime you do for the baby.

3.) You said you weren’t relying on your Mother-In-Law to take care of the baby (but I wasn’t sure if you said you would put it in  day care or not). If you do leave the baby somewhere else while you go to school or work you could regret it later on. I’m not saying it will happen, but I know that when I was a baby both of my parents worked a lot and put me in day care. I have almost no memories of them when I was young. My mom says she wished that she had stayed home with me and been more involved with me as a baby. We’re really close now and it doesn’t affect our relationship, but if you really want that bonding time, you may want to be a part time in school/work and stay at home.

Good luck!!

Post # 40
Member
1813 posts
Buzzing bee

well, you are basically assuming you can get pregnant on your first try for you to make it back to school…I think you have to pick one or the other.  You could work and have a baby or go back to school.  Doing both will be really hard.  Could you work as a teacher’s aide for now, so you would get some benefits?  My mom is a reading specialist, so she didn’t need a 4 year degree.

Post # 41
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I know I’m way late to the party, but I just wanted to mention that if you’re going into teaching because you’ll have more time to spend with your future children (holidays, etc), I encourage you to really think about other things you like about teaching. Yes, there are holidays & summers off, but the time consumed by teaching during the day and weekends is huge (i routinely work 1 1/2-2 hours past the end of the day). Teaching is amazing and can have perks, but spending more time with family than a “normal” job isn’t one of them.

Post # 43
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Hiya Joeswifey, I am kind of in the same predicament as you. Meaning that I want a baby but we are young. I am turning 21 in september. We bought a house last May so we are good on that front and my Fiance has a stable job. Houses are way cheaper here in RI though. I am still in school and probably will be for another 2-3 years. Ideally my Fiance would like to have a baby in 2012 as would I. There are downsides to this though since we are young and I don’t have a stable career yet (I’m also a part-time nanny). I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone! It is a hard decision and I hope that whatever y’all decide is the best for the both of you. Good luck on becoming a teacher!

P.S. my FI’s dad lives with us and it is hard! Not what I always dreamed of but it is our house and he helps with the cooking and dishes 🙂

Post # 44
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Joeswifey, you’re totally right about early childhood being less grading work (I’m K-1), even though there’s lots more crafting and creating to do. Do you’re in-laws like to cut things?Wink The Mr. has spent many nights helping me make crazy projects. I’m glad you’ve been able to settle on a plan. I think that waiting will make things a lot easier on you, especially during your first year teaching. I’m in my 4th year and some days I can’t imagine having to care for anyone other than myself & the Mr (who’s pretty self-sufficient).

PS. I saw your “funny” photos on another thread – your wedding looked like so much fun!!

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