(Closed) I think I want a divorce…rantish…

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

My husband and I have been married 16 years.  We have been through some very tough times and a lot of it was financial.  Similar behavior on his part–controlling and irresponsible with money.  In our case, after much fighting and despair, he one day handed over the checkbook and I have managed the finances ever since.  Not that things have been perfect.  Sometimes in a rocky marriage things can work out and later we look back and think, “wow, I’m glad I didn’t give up.”  other times, though, they don’t get better and it might be best for a person to get out sooner rather than later.  Who can know for sure?  That’s what’s so agonizing.  You’ve wanted it to work out. Have you told him, calmly and quietly–not in a fight–how you’re feeling and that you’re having doubts about your future?  I talked seriously to my husband many years ago about a need for marital counseling, on multiple occasions so he knew I meant it, and it helped him to face that the problems were serious and really did need changing.  We ended up getting through it without counseling–things changed!  But it was hard.  Turning to my faith helped me a lot.  NO–I’m NOT pushing religion.  I’m only saying that if you practice a faith of any denomination it might be a source of comfort for you too and help you sift your way to the best solution for you–whatever that turns out to be.  If faith isn’t comfortable for you, try seeking out quiet time to think while your emotions are cool.  Try exploring your options for solutions–staying and fixing, also going.  Explore both.  Maybe look into jobs nearer your sister.  See which options feel best.  And talk to him.  He has to know how serious this is.  But do it calmly (as possible) or he’ll blow it off as a cheap fight and it won’t be productive.  

That’s a long post but I think there’s some meaty stuff in there that might help.

Post # 18
589 posts
Busy bee

Girl if you want to try to make this work, you both need to go to a financial advisor and couples therapy ASAP and make him see the light. I don’t blame you for wanting a divorce, eek. Sorry your going through this. 

Post # 20
4253 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

anonymousbeekeeper:  After 9 years though do you really think he will change?  This is literally going to take both you and him firing on all cylinders to get out of this.  You’ve already talked to him, threatened him, and begged him to change but he hasn’t.  That in and of itself should tell you how little he values you and your love.  Your initial post has nothing good to say about him and you are still newly married!  It should be relatively easy at this point.  Therapy might help in some cases but I highly doubt he would be even willing to try.  Just look at how he is handling this — ignoring the situation and ignoring you completely.  That says a lot about his character…

Post # 21
1151 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

anonymousbeekeeper:  I have no advice and haven’t gone through anything like this but you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and you’ll do what’s best for you.  don’t beat yourself up about past decisions, figure out what you need to do going forward, and do it.  wishing you good luck!

Post # 22
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

anonymousbeekeeper:  I sent you a PM.  I hope you don’t mind.  Some basic words of thread caution.  It  might come in handy.

Post # 23
5916 posts
Bee Keeper

It’s likely a good thing he wouldn’t merge bank accounts with you, otherwise he’d likely make a mess of your joint accounts. It’s very troubling that he doesn’t realize the seriousness of this or seem willing to take responsibility for his mistakes or seem to want to fix them.

I’m sorry sweetie, if he was contrite and remorseful and willing to let you take the financial reigns while he/ both of you went for financial counselling, it might be possible to give him another chance if he sincerely wanted to fix this, but his belligerent refusal to work with you on ths is an enormous red flag. Is he employed? Where does his money go? Has he offered to try and obtain additional employment to help get you guys back on your feet?

Post # 24
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I suggest a financial advisor, as other posters have said. I’m paying off some debt now and have been using unbury dot us to figure out the best way to pay off my credit cards and loans. It helps you see things broken down, rather than as  lump sum, which can look so scary! I know there is so much stress, but trust me when I say that the stress does you no good. Make the payments+ and that’s all you can do. You can do it! It’s a day or payment at a time. You see the lesson to be learned with him. Now it’s time to clean  up  the mess for yourself. And like i said, no more punishing or tormenting yourself. you learned  and now you will work on it 🙂 

Post # 25
943 posts
Busy bee

Finances are the number one cause of divorce and it remains so because of things like this. My first husband left me in debt that Im still paying off. 

My first husband came into our marriage with child support debt. I didnt know about it. Until tax time came and I had my taxes garnished for child support. 33,000 dollars worth. Finally I filed for spousal relief because I was unaware when I married him that he had the debt. It was granted. 

When I deployed to the middle east, he was my designated power of attorney. He took out loans in my name, hundreds of thousands of dollars. Of course I was deployed for 15 months and hadnt a clue what was going on. As for the tax issues after I was given relief for his child support I always filed my taxes every year, but I did it married filing separately…I came back from the middle east and found he had lost our house, he had taken the loan money and bought his mistress another house and basically left me with about 150,000 of debt. To top it off…

Of course the loans were all in my name since he had my power of attorney and my credit suffered…during the divorce the judge ordered him to repay me….I never saw a dime…then he remarried his ex wife and guess what…the IRS went after him for unpaid taxes during our marriage…on top of the judgement from our divorce.  

His first wife who was now his third wife wasnt real happy about his unpaid 15,000 dollar tax bill, so she tried to have the IRS audit me, they told her to stuff it and because she married him she was jointly responsible for his debts…which she ended up paying…and now he is in prison for the rest of his life for the attempted murder of his girlfriend who he left her for after she paid his tax bill, but that is another story for another day.

It doesnt get better…cut your losses and get on..9 years and he hasnt changed and he isnt going to. 

Post # 26
3444 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

Mrs.MilitaryBee:  Wow. I’m sorry you had to go through all of that. That sounds awful!

anonymousbeekeeper:  He’s had 9 years to treat your relationship as a partnership. He hasn’t. Getting married wasn’t going to change who he was as a person and his position on the money issue today is proof of that. If he won’t agree to counseling (marriage AND financial) then I would suggest cutting your losses as PPs have suggested and moving forward with your life. If he continues this way you could easily find yourself elbow deep in debt you didn’t even know he was accumulating. 

Post # 27
8575 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I’m sorry you are going through this. Me and my husband discussed almost everything we could think of prior to the marriage. Money is one of the most common reasons for divorce. Do what’s in your heart, otherwise you will be miserable.

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