Member- VioletVeil
- 10 years ago
I hate that I’m writing this post. I hate that logically I should’ve known that I’d be writing this post. This is long, so I apologize ahead of time.
Keep in mind:
1. We are normally in a LDR. He has been her on a visa for 6 months and we have a place together. On the 21st, we go back to a LDR.
2. He has now had 3 freakouts about marriage. I have avoided posting while dealing with this.
I don’t think that a marriage is going to come out of our relationship. I don’t know if a marriage SHOULD come out of this relationship. Fiance has always been high-strung about wedding/marriage stuff. I’ve posted about him not being sure and not being ready before. The first time he freaked out about marriage, I was worried about pressuring him and making him feel rushed. I understand that everyone is ready at different times, so I suggested we break. He didn’t want to break up and insisted that everything was fine and marriage was coming.
In March, we moved in together. I didn’t want to live together without an engagement and he agreed to that. With less than 24 hours until he flew in, he told me that engagement would have to wait. He said it was because he couldn’t afford a ring. Now I’m not so sure if that was the truth, but we got a promise ring and he proposed on April 29th. We’ve only been engaged for 3 months. Once we got engaged, I ceased wedding talk because I didn’t want him to freak. About a month later, I asked him when he saw us getting married and he said around 18 months. I just said ok–18 months was fine with me. We made no moves on planning or brainstorming from that point. I asked him again this weekend and he said 2-3 years “depending” and maybe longer. I told him that I didn’t want a long engagement and he had another freakout. He said he wasn’t ready again. He wants to use the ring as a place-holder until he figures things out. I’m kinda ready to just call it quits.
The engagement hasn’t been the only issue though. I sat down by myself last night and thought about our relationship from starting point until where we are currently. We’ve been together 3 years this week (known eachother 4 years). I realized that I have rarely enjoyed the relationship past the first year. I put a lot of effort into our relationship with no reciprocation. I’ve frequently compromised to make things easier. I’ve spent the years wooing him and then trying to show him that I was marriage material.
It feels like he has stopped progressing. After I got my bachelor’s, I decided to go on to grad school. He had been out of school and was working free-lance (graphic design). I asked him if he was going to apply at a design firm and he admitted that he didn’t have the credentials. Huh? To my knowledge had gotten his degree–he told me he had. He went to an awards banquet with me and said that his degree was in graphic design. It turns out that he didn’t get it. So now, he has to figure out what kind of career he can do and find a program for it before he can move forward. He has never lived on his own or away from his mother until now.
He expects me to make every decision and handle every situation. He refused to get a joint account for the time that we were living together and now I have to handle everything as far as bills, rent and maintenance, but I have to factor in what he wants and needs–yet he refuses to help make decisions. He never got a driver’s license. When we first got together, I told him that he should get it. He just never did and it has gotten old. I have to take him everywhere. I knew exactly when we were getting engaged because I had to find directions and drive us to an out of the ordinary place. He had a panic attack at my sister’s wedding because I wasn’t by his side the whole time (I was Maid/Matron of Honor and had duties). He has met all of my family that attended the wedding and he was sitting with them. Still he had to go outside and lie on the grass to cry for 30 minutes. I noticed he was missing and had to go retrieve him. He has thrown me into social situations with people that I don’t know and LEFT ME on my own without even introducing me.
His mother had made statements about us being too young and that “her baby” didn’t have to get married right now. This visit, she has suddenly changed her tune. I think what has really happened is that she knows how Fiance is. She knows how he communicates, that he is not independant and she was worried about someone taking care of him. Now that she knows that I am capable of taking care of him, she has noticed how nice it is not to have worry about him. Now she is all about us getting married and “making her grandbabies”.
I have had a hard time beginning to end in this relationship. After wooing him with no reciprocation while dating and being on pins and needles as not to incite him to riot during this short engagement, I think that too dangerous a precedent has been set to move into marriage.
Thank you if you got to the end of this disjointed mess. So I guess my questions are how to break things off? Can this be done amicably? Should I wait until he is gone? Any advice? My head is spinning.
