Post # 32
I think by the end of your post, you kind of answered the question on your own. Yes, you want to break up and move on with someone who will reciprocate the feelings and effort you put into the relationship.
Regarding your questions, I would recommend sorting this out before he leaves. Don’t let things get worse, just approach him when you both have time to talk things through. I am not sure it can be done amicably, maybe he is thinking eventually it would come to this and he’s ready to break things off too. Do you really care if he is angry at this point?
Post # 33
Break up in person, and make it a clean break. Don’t give him hope that you will take him back if he changes, and don’t wait around for him to continue to fail when you’re apart. Just simply explain that you no longer want to be in this relationship and that you are not going to marry him. End of discussion. I do think the fair thing to do is to tell him in person, and let him know that it’s the last time you will see each other.
Post # 34
I think you should tell him before he leaves, but maybe not open the floor up for discussion. If you simply state that you don’t think it’s working and think a clean break would be best, it might just go that smoothly. I hope it does. Good luck!
Post # 35
I feel for you. My man is also non-US and we live with visas and periods of distance in our relationship that create their own issues unique to the people living within them. So much is the same.
What is most clear to me is that you are unhappy with who you see yourself having to become to ‘keep’ this man a significant part of your life; for those reasons your ‘real self’ must be sending you a strong message right now. It’s very intuitive. How second nature for a strong and analytical person (you have to be, don’t you, working with Immigration departments!) to want to keep working harder, being better, reasoning with yourself in pursuit of something you may imagine (a happily married relationship with benevolent and appreciative man) you have always dreamed of.
Creative and analytical people who are good at making things happen in life seem to be exceptionally gifted at imagining alternatives. In this case, (and in my own too; your story is practically my own from every angle, our men are both graphic designers, expired DL, foreign-born, Momma’s best friend, etc… let me wrap the comparison up before I get carried away) … ah yes, in this case, it sounds like you’ve decided that imagining alternative YOUs and changing yourself and becoming ever better, andmore obviously worthy hasn’t translated the way you thought it would.
It’s scary to think of being alone after you’ve invested so much in some one and so much intelligent energy into working with them, even sacrificing your own joy sometimes. Leaving this man may be a short-term pain with a lot of immediate problems to work out. But maybe too, the reality is that decision is a lot less frightening than continuing to have to modify your very self, the only self you can be, in order to gain love and acceptance. Then you wake up one day and don’t like who you are, or even know who you’ve become. I think I might be waking up to that slowly. It makes the term “Unconditional Love” breath-takingly awe-inspiring.
Maybe I’m off the mark. I just wish you the best, and send you all the luck and well wishing that I can, in this forum.
Post # 36
If it helps, I went through a very similar situation. I was the one with the Visa (living in the Cayman Islands), but he fit the description of your man very well. We dated for over 5 years, lived together for 4. I had a lot of empty promises, a lot of money, time and effort into the relationship. I had sacrificed my college fun years to ensure he could start getting his act together. It never happened. I really wanted marraige. It was way past due and promised to me for several years, but I never got a real ring. I couldn’t get him to plan anything. I ended up having my Work Permit expire so I had to move back to the States. I was more than willing to make things work. He even said he would save money to come visit and potentially even move to the States. BUT, like always, it never came about. After 9 months of waiting for him to do something…anything… I gave up. I realized that there were so many people out there that wouldn’t make me jump through so many hoops. There are good, decent and independent men out there that would make wonderful husbands. Husbands that don’t need babysitters or personal drivers or explanations and excuses during introductions. A Husband that you can be proud of. I ended the relationship, eventually moved to Ohio (for some crazy reason) and about a year and a half after I moved, I met the man of my dreams (seriously…I made a checklist and he met every single want I had! Including the motorcycle and great family that I love!) We’re engaged after 2 1/2 years of dating and I couldn’t be happier about my decisions. I can’t say that it will work out the same for you, but you deserve the best and it doesn’t sound like you believe you have found that yet. If you have to work every day for it to work, and you’re the only one working…I say quit the job and find a better one!
Sorry for the long post! I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide! Sending you happy thoughts!
Post # 37
If your not comfortable and having second thoughts I would step back and examine the situation. You have to put yourself first and make yourself happy before anyone else. Good luck!
Post # 38
Honestly; I understand what people are saying about being “respectful” & doing it in person. However; after reading some of the things in your post I picture him being the type to cry & get very emotional and maybe even not leave when he’s suppose to. If he is that dependent on you for everything; than he might risk legally leaving to try and beg you to keep him. I guess no one here actually knows your relationship so every opinion should be taken lightly. My opinion would be to do it after he leaves. I guess I just think you never really know someone. You never know what they will do when a major life changing event takes place. At least if he is gone then you know you’ll have a clean break until January when he shows up @ your door. Because he probably will. Yes; you want to repsect him as much as possible; but he’s not been giving you much either. He seems like he is very dependent and needs someone to take care of him. He doesn’t seem driven to do things on his own for himself. & the biggest problem here is that he isn’t ready for marriage. He’s trying to make it seem like he is; but his actions are showing that he is not. It won’t be easy and there really is no amicable way to do it. It’s gotta be cut and paste. “I’m not happy. We’re not working. I’m sorry; it’s over.” I wish you the best of luck in your decision. Let us know what you decide to do. Either way I think your making the right decision.
Post # 39
@DemoDreamer: I totally agree. Given his track record, I think the chances of him acting nutty after the fact are high… which is why I suggested pulling the plug after he goes home. His family can take care of getting him together and back on his feet. Not really your job.
Post # 40
You sound like an amazing person – he does NOT (based solely on your posts of course). Only YOU know if this isn’t working for you (and honestly it doesn’t sound like it is).
Good luck – I can’t even imagine how hard this is for you.
Post # 41
- Wedding: December 2010 - Savannah, GA
@VioletVeil: You should not have to woo him and convince him that you’re marriage material!!! That is sooooo wrong. He should be able to recognize that on his own and he should be going out of his way to make you feel special.
You also should not have to be careful about talking about wedding plans. If you’re afraid he’s going to freak, then something is wrong.
Marriage is a partnership… He shouldn’t expect you to make all the decisions…
These are all warning signs, and if you haven’t been enjoying the relationship, then it’s time to look at those signs and decide if this is what you want from a marriage. What you’ve described IS what you’ll get not only now, but also when you’re married.
Post # 42
Well, I’m going to say go with your gut, as I was reading this post all these red flags kept popping up. Eek. I think you are on the right track, I think telling him when he is gone is fine, considering the circumstances, you need to do what is right for you now since you’ve put yourself second since the start of this relationship.
I agree with DemoDreamer, I feel like he might try something silly in order to stay, or say he won’t leave until you agree that you’ll work things out. I’d hate for that to happen to you, you seem like a wonderful person, and I don’t think you deserve all this crap from him–you deserve someone who loves, respects and wants to marry you, no questions asked!! Good luck, please keep us posted, we’re all here for you!!
Post # 43
Tell him the truth.
That the difficulties in your relationship and the long term nature of them have shut of your emotions, you no longer have the feeling that will allow you to continue a relationship with him. There is nothing he can do to revive that feeling because it is dead. No need to go into what he’s done wrong etc.
This happens. Actually the “waiting” girl I know best, eventually her guy proposed – with a shiny ring and everything – and she turned it down, because in the years she’d waited he’d killed that feeling she had for him, she was “over” him in large part because of the waiting. It sounds like that’s the case here. When you’re emotionally over it, its over.
Post # 44
I vote for either telling him after he leaves or basically on his way out the door. I think things are going to be very strange if you essentially break it off with him, but still have him living with you. When you break it off it needs to be a clean break. Cut your entanglements. You can’t do that while still living together.
Post # 45
honestly from everything you have posted about him, it sounds like u have a son rather than a fiance… if u can deal with that then fine.. but i think u need a man who can actually help shoulder the burdens that life throws your way rather than a baby that u have to carry through everything
Post # 46
I really like what tigerlily said. I don’t know you, but I can tell you’re a strong, intelligent person who just wants to do the right thing for everybody. And it does seem like you’ve been bending over backwards to try to make things work for him, but he doesn’t reciprocate the level of effort… or any effort at all. He seems immature and insecure, and he’s got to get past that if he wants any kind of future with you. You mentioned in one of your posts that you think he needs to change for himself, and I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there. So often in our society people think they can help their partners change, and then all of the problems will be over. But the truth is, when you change to please someone else, the change doesn’t last. When you change for yourself, that’s when it’s a lifetime change.
If it were me, I would wait to cut the cord after he leaves, so there’s no chance of unwanted and unproductive drama. And I really mean cut the cord; let him work things out on his own.