Post # 1
Just a little background, Fiance and I have three attendants each. We wanted to keep our wedding relatively small. I’ll be 23 at the time of the wedding and he’ll be 26. None of our attendants are even CLOSE to being married (with the exception of my SIL).
I had a difficult time choosing a Maid/Matron of Honor. It came down to my best friend since the beginning of high school or my best friend of 5 years. Both friends have sisters and I know I will not be the Maid/Matron of Honor in their wedding, which honestly does not bother me. Best Friend of 5 years was previously asked to be Maid/Matron of Honor of her sisters wedding so I decided to choose my Boyfriend or Best Friend from HS to be my Maid/Matron of Honor. Well I think I made a HUGE mistake.
All my Maid/Matron of Honor thinks about is the bachelorette party. She hates every dress I’ve chosen. She complains about how big she looks etc. I am NO spring chicken myself, so I know what it feels like to want to feel comfortable in a dress. My other Bridesmaid or Best Man is a stick, we went to look at dresses and we selected a very flattering dress for everyone’s body type. To be sure that my Maid/Matron of Honor would feel comfortable in it, I tried on the dress. I’m a little smaller than Maid/Matron of Honor but I felt wonderful in the dress, it was very forgiving. When she came home from college we went to try out the dress. She said she wanted to shorten it (it would butcher the dress). WHAT DO I DO?!
Besides this she NEVER EVER EVER offers her help, or she’ll offer help but is not really sincere about it. My other BM’s have been wonderful. Always will to help despite one is a full time student and works full time and the other works full time and is a new mommy. I have a lot of DIY projects and I’ve done them all myself thus far. I don’t want to bombard anyone until I HAVE to. It would just be nice to have someone offer.
Then I have the issue of my future SIL. Since I’ve known Fiance I’ve only seen her maybe 5 times. She lives out of town. I feel a lot of pressure from Future Mother-In-Law to add her in the wedding. I don’t even know her! She’s kind of a cry baby and always gets her way.
To top it all off, the groomsmen feel they should not have to pay for what they wear. Keep in mind all they need to purchase is a white linen shirt and a pair of nice khakis if they don’t have any. IT’S NOT A TUX!!
I think I want to elope!
Post # 3
Well, having like what I’m having (I call it a “scheduled elopement” or really intimate wedding) can do away with politics like that with the bridesmaids and all and all the hullaballoo that goes along with this.
We chose to do this because we had to cancel our wedding on the gulf coast due to the oil spill and were concerned about our guests spending so much $ to come to a wedding and maybe not be able to even swim at the beach.
We’re having however, after we get back, our reception, and my bm’s are going to wear dresses they pick out in our wedding colors and I’m having the florist create for them each a small nosegay of flowers for them. We’re even having a second cake at our reception (the larger more elaborate cake), entertainment, and will show the video and pics of the wedding on a screen! Having a very elegant dinner reception for our guests, exactly as we would have for our wedding reception, but without the ceremony, that’s all!
Post # 4
Ah, that’s a lot of resistance you’re dealing with.
First off- in a very polite, tactful way, ask your Maid/Matron of Honor not to alter the dress. I don’t know the style so I’ll take your word for it and say its a no go. Just try your hardest to assure her that she looks great in it. I really don’t know what to say about her not wanting to help out. I’ve had similar problems. I realized its just a personality thing, they don’t necessarily mean any harm, its just who they are kinda. It sucks. But maybe if you bring it to her attention (again, in a polite, respectful way) she might start to help more.
I know you don’t know your Future Sister-In-Law, but I think I’d ask her to be in the wedding. That’s your FI’s family, and you don’t want to start the marriage off with bad blood between you and her, or your Future Mother-In-Law. It sucks, it may be awkward, but at least you tried.
Your Fiance has to deal with his Groomsmen, don’t even intervene. If you can’t afford to pay for their clothing (I certainly wouldn’t be able to!), then they have to step up. They should be grateful they’re not renting a tux! He may have to just say, “As a groomsman, I need you to fulfill certain obligations, this is one of them. I’ll understand if you can’t afford it, but please tell me now so we can figure something out”.
Post # 5
Sorry people are being difficult… But I think if you said you want help and less stress, would be more accurate than saying you want to elope, right?
Have you thought about not having a bridal party? I mean, in your case, they are not helpful and bring you more work than anything else…
Post # 6
Thanks ladies for all your help. I just need to vent. With the exception of my Maid/Matron of Honor, my girls are amazing and always will to help. I think I just need to except that she is not going to be much of any help and move on. I just wish she knew how difficult it was for me to choose her for my Maid/Matron of Honor.
As for my Future Sister-In-Law, I think I might have to give in and ask her. The only bad thing is that our small intimate wedding party is going to grow. I was thinking about trying to give her another a role in the wedding somewhere to make her feel important…
Post # 7
I think your Fiance needs to get his groomsmen in line — paying for one’s own outfit is the most basic Groomsmen duty!
And I do think you’re right about your Maid/Matron of Honor – if you feel strongly about her not altering the dress, then she should respect that.
Regarding various members of the bridal party being more or less helpful, I think that’s something the vast majority of brides has to live with. You’ll have BMs who genuinely want to help, BMs who do the bare minimum, and BMs who barely even ask you about the wedding, much less help you plan. This doesn’t mean that someone who helps you a lot is a better person or friend. Some girls are just really into weddings, planning, stationery, etc, so for them, it’s fun to help you out. Others just really aren’t interested in wedding planning. They should still buy dresses and show up to shower, wedding, etc, but I don’t think they are obligated to help you plan, so I wouldn’t hold it against them.
When you feel like you want to elope, just know that you are far from the only bride to have to face wedding party drama, and remember how helpful some of your bridesmaids have been. And I’m sure you’ll be able to deal with the rogue groomsmen and your MOH’s dress issues!
Post # 8
Here are my opinions:
Have Fiance deal with the Groomsmen, or give them their clothes as their gifts.
To Maid/Matron of Honor, just say NO to her shortening the gown, if she wants to wear it again after the wedding she can shorten it then! But you chose it for a reason, and it is your wedding!
Find the Future Sister-In-Law something else to do!!! You do NOT need a crybaby who always gets her way to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, that is just asking for MORE TROUBLE!!! Make sure whatever job you come up with, she can’t throw a fit about/change circumstances that you won’t like!!! Maybe she can do a reading, or greet people and have them sign a guest book and hand out programs.
Best Wishes, 🙂