- 5 years ago
- Wedding: October 2014
I am not going anonymous for this post because there will be identifying details in it anyway.
Ive been having issues with my husband for awhile now but I mostly just try to ignore them because I know I have nowhere else to go and I couldn’t support myself. He’s not abusive or anything but he is selfish. I am at my breaking point with my illness and exhaustion from my son not sleeping at night. He won’t help me much and acts like he’s doing me a huge favor anytime he watches him at all or does anything like change a diaper. We have had to shut both his family and my family out for different reasons.
I’ve tried talking to him and telling him how I feel but he always takes it as an attack. Like I’ll tell him that it makes me feel like he doesn’t love me when he doesn’t want to let me catch up on sleep or help me do things. And he’ll turn it around and say “Oh I just never do anything right your never happy no matter what I do”
Hell just make blanket statements like that and refuses to work on the issue and will never admit when he’s wrong. He says since he works and I don’t that I should have full responsibility of taking care of the kids and the house. But I have a debilitating chronic illness and I CANT. I work myself sick and still can’t manage everything by myself. I haven’t slept more than 3 hours straight in 16 months.
He never compliments me on anything…..like being a good mom or telling me I look pretty. I make sure to compliment him almost every single day because I want him to know I appreciate him. When I brought this up to him he said, “I told you your pretty a few months ago!” (The last time I brought it up) then he says, “You’re never happy and never have anything nice to say to me either you’re always complaining.” That really hurt me because while it’s partially true…I do nah and complain and tell him that I’m at my breaking point because I feel like I am not being heard. I literally can’t keep living like this and he just is not listening to me. But him saying that I don’t say anything nice was like a slap in the face and shows me that he doesn’t pay attention whatsoever because I literally give him some kind of compliment daily. I have him word for word things I’d said over the past week and then he shut up because he knew I was right.
He doesn’t want to go to counseling and everytime I bring up how unhappy I am he tries to be better for like a week and then goes back to normal. He just always puts himself first with everything. HE gets to sleep in even though I’m the one that has broken sleep with our son. HE gets to go out for a beer once in awhile with his boss or friend. HE gets off during sex but doesn’t care if I do. And I never do because it only lasts 3 minutes because he makes me give him head first and he doesn’t touch me or do anything but just sex.
So basically I’m stuck with him until our son gets older because I have no way to make a livable income since I would have to pay for daycare. I am also unable to work most jobs and am unqualified for the few I could do. I have no family or friends or support system at all. I have basically just resigned myself to sticking it out until our son is much older.
So that’s where we are right now. What’s been sending me over the edge is that we came down to my hometown to have thanksgiving with a few of my relatives who I did not cut out. Mainly my aunt on my dads side. She told my mom and my sister that we were coming so guess who showed up thanksgiving day? These are the family members who are cut out because they are abusive and manipulative. We had just driven 8.5 hours to get there and everyone was watching me and waiting for me to welcome them with open arms….so because I’m a total idiot and have no backbone…I did.
Theyre super nice and acting like they were so hurt from me not speaking to them. They hang out with the kids and just generally act like everything’s great. I try to follow suit. My sister follows me out on the porch while I’m just trying to take a minute and get some air. She asks me how things are going and keeps asking prodding questions….I basically spill my guts out and tell her what’s going on in my marraige and the situation I’m in because I have no one else to talk to.
She starts off saying she can see my point but then says that it’s my fault for getting pregnant at 16 and that I made it impossible for my parents to raise me well because I didn’t listen to them. That SHE was able to overcome all their abuse and moved out on her own at 17 and made something of herself. And that if I hadn’t been so lazy and blaming everyone else for my problems (she’s referencing my parents abuse) then I would’ve done the same. She still maintains that I quit nursing school as a cop out and not because of my MS (I started developing symptoms in nursing school and had to drop out). She then started preaching to me about God and I told her I don’t believe in god she flipped out and called me a horrible person and said no wonder my life has turned out so shitty.
She said its my fault my mom abused me because I caused her to all throughout childhood and whol I was a teenager. She says I just need to let it go and get over it because she and my mom are all I’m ever going to have. We got a little off topic and she denied physically attacking me once. Said I totally made it up and she would never have physically hurt me. My mom came up behind me and started teasing me because I was crying…she kept asking me what was wrong I just shook my head so she started poking me in the head really hard and then put her hand on my head and squeezed really really hard and kept saying in a teasing voice, “Amb! What’s wrong? What are you whining about nowwww???”
I feel like I can’t breathe. I just want to get away from all of them. I feel like the only way I can escape is to kill myself. The only thing that makes me hesitate is my kids. I don’t want them to be without a mother. That’s literally the only thing that gives me ANY initiative to live and keep going.
I can’t tell anymore if I am really just crazy and a difficult lazy person or if I just have shitty lucky and am surrounded by bad people. Either way, I have no way to get away and support myself. I am sick and unqualified. And what if they are right? I was a great child until about 7th grade when they started hitting me a lot. My grades went down and I started wearing all black…lost my friends…started smoking….they told me they wished I was never born. I started hanging out with bad people and got pregnant by one of them. I’ve been choked out and spit on and bruised and I always thought I was strong for surviving all of that but my sister says they did the same thing to her (they did not) and she managed to make a great life for herself and that I’m just using my “debilitating” disease as a cop out so I don’t have to support myself.
Am I defective? Why can’t I just be normal? They make me feel like I’m insane and they deny everything they ever did so I question my own sanity and I just don’t know what I know anymore. I just want to get away so bad. I’d give anything to get away. But I can’t leave my babies. I’m afraid that I’m going to have a weak moment and actually do it. I just keep thinking about when and where the best time would be because I don’t want my older son to see it. But then I think I can’t leave them they need me. I’m sorry I’m rambling. I’ve never felt so helpless. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.