- 6 years ago
- Wedding: December 2015
So this is really long, but the later details really count. I’m sorry.
I’m Christian, and I have some problems. It would probably be best if you are of a strong Christian faith if you have advice, or can at least respect my beliefs.
I know most girls on here don’t really care about porn, but I do, and it really bothers me. Based on the Bible, I think it’s wrong, and I feel lust is wrong and immoral. Lusting over another would be considered infidelity. I feel porn is at least a gateway to this. I don’t believe in sex before marriage, and I believe (as in the Bible) a wife’s body belongs to her husband’s, and a husband’s body belongs to his wife.
Please if you want to try to change my mind, I ask you just not to respond. I’m not looking for that, and my mind WILL NOT be changed. Please just let me have my beliefs on this.
When I was younger I wasn’t so sure about where the moral line was, so I’ve given hand jobs when I was in relationships just to help my guy avoid watching porn or whatever, trying to maintain some sexuality… etc.
I’ve also gotten porn twisted up with major trust issues, thanks to my last (7 year long) relationship. My ex didn’t even really watch porn exactly; he watched regular girls just taking off their clothes. The end. It’s porn to me, but I know it’s very mild. He said he had an underwear fetish. Okay, whatever. After about a year of being friends, we got together… a few months in, he had told me this. But we were new and I didn’t think much of it. We weren’t SUPER serious. I just told him I didn’t really like the idea of him watching other girls do that, he said he completely understood and didn’t like it/felt guilty about it anyway, so that he would stop. I loved that he offered, I had asked him once or twice innocently over a few months or so if it’d happened again and he said no. So, okay, cool. Well it turns out he did, and I found out. I was upset he lied, and it repeated. It escalated over the years… he wouldn’t want to do anything with me. He really only did it when he was upset/stressed, but still. He was also on anti-depressants. But over the years, my anger grew that I would find out. I think I found out 4 or 5 times before the last time where… we tried, but I just had no trust in him. He NEVER admitted it to me before I found out. He was so afraid I’d be upset… but now, I twist up porn with trust.
So… now, I have a fiance. I never, EVER, thought it’d make sense to get engaged before knowing each other at least two years, even with near constant contact. I met my now fiance, and we were in a relationship pretty quickly. About a month in, I told him I wasn’t sure it’d work. I had a feeling he was a porn-guy (I was right… he watched it basically every day). He just… seemed like that type of guy. He was also not a virgin. He was a born-again Christian… and didn’t believe in sex before marriage, but at that point, he’d already been sexual and didn’t really try to avoid it. He also felt bad about using porn, and had tried to stop it a few times by himself, but he said he’d always failed.
When I told him I really couldn’t handle porn, but I also didn’t want to have sex before I was married, he said that since he’d met me (maybe a month prior) he had nearly lost all interest in porn, for some reason. I was shocked, and very happy. He also said he would like to abstain from sex, but didn’t have the willpower before.
I also told him I had a lot of trust issues, and explained my whole ex’s fiasco… My ex would do it, but block it out/not think about it, and so then not tell me. It got VERY complicated, and I told my boyfriend all about it… that I always found out, how my trust got destroyed, that I’m always suspicious/paranoid, how I had to poke and prod with questions before I got actual answers and not half-truths from my ex. I explained how easy it is to not think of things, how easy it is to slip, how easy it is to “ignore” the thoughts and say “No big deal, it’ll never happen again…” and not tell me. But honesty was THE MOST IMPORTANT thing to me. IF it were to happen, he would HAVE to tell me, and if he didn’t, I would just not be able to handle it, because I wouldn’t be able to trust him. If I couldn’t trust him, there would be no relationship. I wouldn’t be able to deal with the paranoia/trust issues anymore. I just couldn’t do it.
So about a year into our relationship, all seemed okay… I occasionally asked if he’d watched any, or had anything to tell me… or if he had stronger urges to watch things… he said nope, all was fine.
I started poking some more, and found out that he would basically imagine porn, but just replace other girls with me. Not as bad, but then I found he also would imagine other guys jizzing on my face, or 3-somes, and things of that nature. I was like… what?? 3-somes were just as bad, and then guys jizzing on me… why would that turn him on? That really bothered me. That was this past November. Then he admitted to some other random things that he apparently didn’t think he needed to tell me… One was that he imagined me, and a female-friend of his once or twice in a 3-some.
Eventually he understood that he was just convincing himself that these weren’t issues, but we had talked about all of this before. I explained to death how my ex did the exact same thing, convince himself things weren’t problems, not tell me, etc… that he really would have to be very forthcoming, that it would be bad if he wasn’t, because if it came out eventually, I’d feel like I’d always have to dig, always have to ask, and thus be paranoid, and I couldn’t deal. But this happened anyway. I felt like I trusted him less, even though he didn’t actually go watch porn again, and that for the most part he imagined me instead of other girls.
He also admitted that sometimes he’d imagine stuff when I was trying to get him off, to help things along, if it was going slow because he was afraid I was getting tired. That also really hurt.
So since November… he’s tried to abstain from all of these thoughts. He’ll imagine us, and use some video I’ve given him. But again… it’s mild. It’s nothing like the stuff he used to watch.
He can’t explain whether or not the urge to watch it has gone up. He felt like it may have, but he’s not sure.
Part of my problem is what he wants to do. He said he doesn’t want to because he thinks it’s wrong, but that part of him still wants to. I want him to just lose interest in it… if we’re married, I feel that he should just not care about these things anymore. But I’m afraid the exposure to porn has basically ruined him forever, despite his faith and what he wants, morally speaking.
Since November, things have gone down hill. I feel I can’t really trust his brain. I feel like he has good intentions but I’m afraid he’ll just eventually go back to it. I’m afraid he’s just over-sexualized in a bad way.
We went to a dinner theater thing at the end of December, and there were girls in tights and it looked like they were barely covered, even though they have tights. They were flesh-toned, and had sort of present-costumes barely covering their butts/crotches. It made me extremely paranoid. Later, I asked him about it, and he admitted it physically turned him on just a little… Like, slight erection. But that it was happening before he realized it. MY problem was that he didn’t look away at that point; he just kept watching. That was the part that really hurt me. After everything, and how he feels, he didn’t look away. He just said he thought it’d be over soon. Basically his answers were poor. He thought it was just the non-chalantness of it, and it wasn’t supposed to be sexual, so it wasn’t bad? It was a Christmas Carol dinner theater thing. He apologized sincerely for it, but I just couldn’t get past it.
Also… I was like, that turns you on? I’m afraid that everything turns him on now. I’m like, what DOESN’T turn you on? How bad is this? I don’t want him to get turned on by every stupid thing.
Several months back we wound up watching some stupid no-name horror movie on Netflicks. We were lying on a futon, and I had my arm draped across his crotch because my hand was on his thigh. A girl ended up being held up by the wrists, naked, and was being beaten. You could see her breasts, and it was intense. I felt him getting an erection. At the end of the movie, I asked him, he said he had no idea. He didn’t like it, and in fact, he had to look away at some parts. I didn’t understand.
He told me he was reading an article in the news last week or so about some girl getting gang-raped, and he felt a slight erection starting. He said he closed the article immediately. But I’m like… uh… He said he didn’t feel turned on at all, but it was just a physical response. I asked if he ever watched rape porn, and he said he watched one Japanese video maybe once a really long time ago, but doesn’t even know how he came across it. He hasn’t watched any since, and doesn’t get turned on by rape, and feels it’s really wrong.
After the stupid dinner-theater thing, and everything came up again, he said through November/December, he really didn’t even have to fight off the urge to think about porn. He even remembered sometimes how it was like he’d forgotten about it. It had almost completely gone away.
He had a stupid weird bukakke flash when we were doing things last week, and said it was particularly hard to ignore for the next day or two… but isn’t sure if it’s because it’s making a general comeback, or just because of the big deal that was made of it. Because he told me, and I got depressed and worried about it. I asked if things had resurged since the stupid dinner-theater, and he said he wasn’t sure.
He has a crappy memory when it comes to time-frames and these things, but doesn’t want to tell me a lie
So but now I’m just… afraid. I feel maybe he’s been ruined and won’t be able to really get past it. I don’t want to be married to a guy who wants to imagine porn, or who gets turned on by reading rape articles (he said he can’t explain it. He thinks maybe it’s because he’s afraid to get turned on that everything has escalated, or maybe just because it’s just because it’s heterosexual sex… etc. He says he doesn’t FEEL like it’s a turn on, but he just has a physical response to it). I want to be married to a guy who is just interested in his wife. Even if something accidentally turns him on, that he doesn’t want to watch it (like the dinner theater). I was upset because I was convinced he wasn’t going to tell me, and he kinda argued with me for a while on that, but then gave in and said he doesn’t know for sure whether he would or not, but that what I was saying made sense and that he’d probably ended up not (He was going to leave early because he had to work. Much earlier than he normally leaves… just because we didn’t have much to do. So he had PLENTY of time to tell me, and chose not to… which made me figure he just wasn’t going to tell me, and just ignore it).
I have no idea what to do. I don’t think he lies to me or is lying, but I’m afraid of the future. I’m afraid he won’t get over it, and I’m afraid I’ll ALWAYS be paranoid, and I’m afraid it’s ruining our relationship. I’m afraid I’M ruining our relationship by being paranoid.
I’ve been seriously depressed and paranoid since the end of December… it went down in November, but after the whole dinner-theater thing, it just got worse. I just don’t feel as close to him anymore, I’m afraid of watching movies with him, things about him that didn’t use to annoy me before now annoy me… etc. I do ask him questions, and I was afraid it would get to this because of my trust issues, and that he’d eventually become afraid of hanging out with me… which has started. He said he’s somewhat anxious now, and he’s not as happy to hang out with me as before because I’m unhappy/depressed, and he’s afraid it’s going to be a whole discussion again.
We’re supposed to get married in the fall. He said the first time he saw me, he knew we were going to be great and that it would work out. He’s always been so sure… but now he said he’s not so sure anymore. He doesn’t want to give up, but that it seems I’ve just been going downhill since November, and if things don’t turn around, that we shouldn’t get married. I asked him if he wants to post-pone, and he said he wants to give it some more time first before we make a decision. We already put a down-payment on a venue. I tried to tell him how paranoid/anxious I get about this, and he says he knows, but that now he feels like he’s seeing a whole different side of me.
He’s always felt like we were meant to be… and he said he thought he believed in meant-to-be, but isn’t sure right now.
I’ve NEVER been super excited about everything. I’ve been in a few relationships, and I was with my ex 7 years, and I told him a few times we weren’t ready to be married. Too many things weren’t right. Other guys, I shot down as well. But I had no reasons with my fiance, except that I felt getting engaged after a year was maybe premature. There were a couple things I thought may eventually annoy me or get to me, but I thought that was normal. I had no bad feelings when he proposed, so I said yes. He proposed after a year. My mom was unsure for nearly a decade before marrying my dad (they have the best marriage I’ve ever seen), and I didn’t want to wait that long, but thought I was just the same way. I was 26, and things seemed good, and I trusted him, and he was just SO sure, so I said okay. My parents both love him and think we’re a great couple, and think he’s a great guy. He got my dad’s permission.
I read about girls getting engaged, waiting bees, etc… and I was like… I never had that moment. I’ve never been “sure he’s the one.” I’ve never been really, excited about it. I’ve been kind of nervous. My fiance has always been more excited than me to get married. He used to say “I can’t wait to marry you.” but I wasn’t… sure. But it makes a lot of sense… he has the criteria I looked for, save for being a virgin (I gave up on finding a guy who was a virgin at 26/27ish). But now I’m less sure. But… I’m always a doubtful person. I never feel super happy about things, I’m very pessimistic and expect things to go wrong. I’m always comparing and looking for what is better. I’m afraid it’s primarily me who is ruining things, for no reason. I don’t believe in divorce, and I’m also a perfectionist. I tend to look for everything that is wrong, and I’m always looking for better. I’m afraid he is right, but that I’m ruining it by comparisons and over-thinking.
I’m also afraid maybe he just isn’t the right guy.
I really just can’t tell if it’s me, or him.
I don’t know what to do. I know I’m paranoid, but I don’t know what the extent is. I’ve prayed a lot, but I’m not feeling much. I have NO gut feelings; I overthink.
I can’t seek a psychologist; I have no money or insurance. So please don’t just suggest that.
I’m sorry this was so long. Can anyone provide some insight that is NOT “get over porn” or “get therapy”?