(Closed) I think I'm destroying things over stupid paranoia. Christian advice?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@stupidissues:  Break up with him.  Major differences in sex style are extremely important when you’re married.  It is obviously extremely important to you that he not use porn but since he is unable to he is constantly disappointing you.  It’s not good for you because you are disappointed in him and it’s definitely not good for your relationship.  It sounds like he has tried to cut porn out of his life and been unable to do so and since you are unable to cope with that I believe you should cut your losses and find someone else who supports your personal views about porn.  I know way too many relaitonships that 5-10 years down the road fail because the couple has drastically different ideas regarding sex in their relationship.  Be thankful you found out before you completely committed yourself and got married because I would assume you have equally strong views about divorce.

Post # 4
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Posting to follow

Post # 5
Member
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

With the many paragraphs of hangups, mistrust, and hesitation to get married I just don’t believe that you want to marry this guy.  I guess the real question is why do you want to marry him?

Post # 6
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Duplicate post -_-

Post # 7
Member
379 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

If you can’t compromise on the issue then you need to do the right thing and look for someone with the same values. Otherwise this will be a source of pain for the both of you for the rest of your life. Just as you asked us to not suggest you “just get over it”, you need to realize that you can’t ask him to just “get over it” and change who he is and what he likes.

Post # 8
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Men (and women!) have sexual thoughts and urges, it’s a part of life. He isn’t acting on them, so what exactly do you want from him? If you aren’t comfortable with sexuality, why are you in a relationship? He can’t magically stop himself from having normal urges, no one can.

Post # 9
Member
7651 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

Going off of what beachbride said you need to figure out why you want to marry him. If you really feel porn is this bad and you have a guy who doesn’t carry your same beliefs or at least can’t be able to even have thoughts about it then you need to let him go.

Temptation is everywhere. To control a man’s thoughts or anyone’s for that matter is unheard of. You cannot control what he feels and thinks, and it really sounds as if that is what you are trying to do. It isn’t fair that he has to feel guilty every time he thinks about pornographic images. It also isn’t fair to YOU to have to be in a relationship with someone that may watch porn or whatever and go against your wishes.

That being said, it sounds as if you cannot handle the fact that he has these thoughts, and you are going to be the one to ruin the marriage in the end if you marry this guy knowing what his mind is capable of. You are going to drive yourself crazy at every turn, wondering if he’s thinking impure thoughts about someone else, and your marriage will most likely suffer.

 

Post # 11
Member
1685 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I’m a porn loving, non-virginal, athiest… so absolutely the opposite of who you want to hear from.

But I still really want to help: so let me preface by saying that I am staying as far away from the porn aspect as possible.

I think the real underlying issue is equality in your relationship.

From his perspective, you are currently making all the demands.  You are asking him to give up his urges, and make sacrifices without being willing to compromise.

However, you shouldn’t have to compromise on these things since you feel so passionately about them and you’ve made it clear from the beginning what your expectations are.

So that leaves you without making any sacrafice: so make one.  Pick a vice or an habit that you would find very difficult to give up, and then give it up for him.  Making these significant changes and sacrifices for each other will bring you closer together as a couple.  You can help each other through temptation and it will prove your love for the other person.

Also, please be understanding when he faulters.  When he’s going through this, he may or may not know what is acceptable in your eyes and what is not.  When he explains his fantasies, instead of getting angry, tell him, “I’d prefer if instead you imagined me….”  Set up guidelines and situations you don’t mind him thinking of, and let him feel free to share his fantasies.  Make it a safe conversation, and guide him through your boundaries rather than being angry when he violates them. 

One thing is for sure, he’s trying.  Since he’s trying, he thinks you are worth it.

Post # 13
Member
9142 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

But you don’t trust him regarding an important aspect of your relationship and ultimately your marriage, namely sex.  For me, that’s a dealbreaker.  He is going to be terrified every time you go to a movie or on vacation and a sexy woman walks by that you are going to interrogate him until he admits she turned him on and then you are going to be mad at him.  Poor guy is going to feel guilty about everything.  Honestly, if he was asking me for advice about you I would probably tell him to end the relationship and move on.

It’s scary ending a relationship and only a few people prefer being alone so of course when you talk to him about it he is going to say it’s worth it to be with you now.  However, he has already indicated to you he isn’t completely sure about your relationship.  If he was sure about giving up the porn entirely for you then it would be done, no further discussion.  But it seems that you are the one bringing it up over and over and over again.  You clearly do not trust him and I don’t understand why you would continue to be in a relationship with, much less consider marrying, someone you distrust.

Post # 14
Member
8883 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Erin418:  +1 Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Post # 15
Member
960 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@stupidissues:  

Every man will have thoughts, fantasies and urges. If he’s putting YOU as the centre of that, thats really the ideal.

When you are married and he has you and your body, will it bother you if you’re out and he sees another woman in tights and becomes aroused and later that night you two lie together?

Do you know that its natural and implanted in us to want to “go forth and multiply” ? God created us in a beautiful image that would stimulate us and make that easier. He can have his preferences that arouse him but is that so wrong?

Would you really have something against wearing tights or a cute costume to please your husband after you’re married? He’s controlled his behaviour and he’s controlling his thoughts as much as possible. He clearly loves you but you can not stifle his arousal or during marriage he may no longer be able to be stimulated by you as any thought he has of you, you may critize.

If you’re a strong Christian then you should understand to love others, would God hate him for the natural instincts he was born with and given by God? He’s tempered them as much as he can for you. If what he’s done is not enough, then leave and allow him to find a woman who would truly appreciate what he does for his future wife.

Post # 16
Member
866 posts
Busy bee

I think you are being way too hard on him. He is abstaining, of course he is being easily turned on. sexual responses are natural and can’t always be controlled.

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