(Closed) I think I'm destroying things over stupid paranoia. Christian advice?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 137
330 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

You can’t dictate his brain, what on earth are you trying to do ? Seems to me that the more you dwell on what he’s thinking and the more you make it such a huge issue, the more likely he’s going to flick to that sort of thing in his head. This guy has done everything you asked and you are still continuing to push him about whats going on inside his own brain. 

My Fiance has never watched porn and has no problems with his sexuality at all and even he sometimes will get a little aroused at just the wrong time. It doesnt bother me as I know it is not done on purpose. 

I feel like you would be very upset if your SO was always prying into what you were thinking about and getting mad if you showed signs of arousal (whether they are actually due to arousal or not)

I’m sorry I know you don’t want to hear it but I feel as thought you are being almost abusively controlling in this area. If you refuse to get counselling (there are many free ones out there so no excuses) and you feel as though maybe he isn’t “the one” then leave. You are driving yourself crazy and treating him very badly as well. The Bible tells us to respect our husbands. Part of this is trust. His own sexual desires are between him and God until you are his wife. If he has sexual thought then he needs to address them with God on his own.

Post # 138
154 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Physical signs of arousal (ie an erection in men) do not necessarily indicate psychological arousal. So when you say he “had a slight erection” but couldn’t explain why, it is likely because he was truly not turned on! Men can get erections for many reasons, even babies get erections, clearly babies are unlikely to be turned on. This happens to women as well. When exposed to sexual images women begin to lubricate although they are not necessarily psychologically aroused, it is somply a prepper; this is the reason women lubricate when being raped, it is a form of protection, not an indication that she is enjoying it. 

It sounds like your SO is trying hard and by pushing him to rid himself of all sexual thoughts you are putting much pressure on him. He may end up with sexual dysfunction if you continue to push the association that any sexual fantasy is bad. 

Unfortunately, the only solution to this would be to seek spme type pf therapy, which you have said you cannt afford. So for now, I would break up with your Fiance. It sounds like you are unhappy in your current relationship and until you can come to terms with your own issues with sex you may want to try you best to work on yourself, and coming to terms with the fact that you cannot stop people from having thoughts. Sometimes it happens, even to the best, most devoted Christians, but they can move past that. You seem to have a lot of issue with trust and honesty as well and seem to have very high, possibly impossible, standards, this is another that your Fiance may not be right for you. I would look into some type of counselling with your church as well. Good luck. 


Post # 139
23 posts

I haven’t had the time to read all the posts on here but if you are not part of a church strongly suggest you join one and have pre marital counseling: it is run as a free service by most churches and would be invaluable for you

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