(Closed) I think I'm destroying things over stupid paranoia. Christian advice?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

@stupidissues:  I think you need to change your perspective on this issue.  We’re humans, not robots.  Therefore, we’re all going to have human instincts.  From what I’ve read about religion, isn’t the path to righteousness full of tests?  The way in which you deal with those tests is how you show your faith, right?  

 

I am reading a biography right now of one of the more influential presidents of my college (M. Carey Thomas).  She was raised a Quaker, but in the late 1800s when Quakers were super strict.  She would write in her journal, often, about how she wanted to be good but there were so many tests/trials/tribulations.  Think of Jo March, too.  These are people who firmly believe in God, and believe in what the Bible says, and who through their own personalities found it sometimes difficult to be “good”…but the struggle to be good is part of being good, isn’t it?  

Post # 48
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I haven’t read all the replies but I’ll say this. He says he doesn’t want to because you pressure him and make him feel like its bad. I say breakup and try to find a man who really doesn’t watch porn. You will not find a man who doesn’t fantasize. 

Post # 49
Member
8439 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@stupidissues:  First of all *HUGS*  I can say that I don’t agree with you at all on this issue, and I’m definitely not Christian, but I do respect your beliefs and opinions.  I think you need to be supportive of his efforts though, and like other bees said, look for other outlets.  When he feels a sort of “urge”, read a verse from the bible and discuss it, or talk about something you love in your relationship.  In the end, going through all of these tests/trials together will eventually bring you closer as long as you work together as a team.  Best of luck to you both!

Post # 50
Member
8036 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Erin418:  +1

Don’t marry this guy if you don’t like his impure thoughts. Not sure you’ll fnd any guy who doesn’t have sexual thoughts, though. Sex (especially thoughts) doesn’t have to be a bad thing, you know.

Post # 51
Member
8036 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@stupidissues:  It wasn’t about me. I’d have been fine it was about us… but I was more bothered it was about guys ejaculating on me, or 3-somes, or things we should never partake in.

Most people wouldn’t partake in this sort of stuff! I am not religious, but I am pretty “vanilla” when it comes to these sorts of things. I don’t know why you’re pressuring him to tell you his thoughts.. that’s a bit weird. I’d drive myself crazy too if I demanded to know what my SO thought about all the time. You’re not doing yourself any favors. Thoughts are totally different than reality, and I believe that we’re all entitled to our own thoughts.

Post # 52
Member
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t share your values about sex, but regardless it sounds like you are trying to be the thought police.  Speaking from a strictly pragmatic perspective — i.e., without getting into whether or not your opinion about his thoughts is reasonable — you can’t expect him to control his thoughts.  He can only control his response to them, and his behavior.

I agree that you’re not on the same page sexually.  You need to decide if that is a difference you can handle.  You are setting your marriage up for failure if you expect him to change his personality.  This has nothing to do with him being a great guy.  It is an issue of compatibility.

Post # 53
Member
2559 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I have been raised Christian and get where you are coming from; however, I have always been a believer that sometimes, thoughts are just involuntary and what you will be judged on is how you respond to them/act on them. Can your guy help a biological reaction to a cutie in tights? No, but he can help whether or not he talks about it, ruminates on it, or pursues something with that girl. And he’s not! It seems like he is doing everything in his power to exhibit control over his actions, including no longer looking at porn as both of you wanted. He is showing his faith and his commitment to you by continuing to aspire to being the best version of himself, even though he sometimes fails – and we will all fail sometimes.

Let him be accountable to God for his thoughts, and you for his actual actions. What good can possibly come of him confessing his imaginary fantasies to you? He is not pursuing making them happen.

Post # 54
Member
3110 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

@stupidissues:  i truly couldn’t read all those paragraphs. here’s the thing. we are humans. humans have sexual urges. you can not demand that he doesn’t have urges. you can’t control his thoughts. it seems like your values are different (tho he has come more than halfway to meet you) and things just simply aren’t going to work out. it’s sad because you probably do love each other, but you are just asking, taking and demanding and not giving on anything.

Post # 55
Member
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@missrobots:  I agree with this. I really think you need to talk to someone in your church about how to deal with this because I think you have unrealistic expectations of your boyfriend.  When I read your post, I thought, “What happens when he has a dream about something sexual? or wakes up with an erection?” Is that allowed?

I think you’re setting yourself and him up for failure through your expectations & constantly questioning his thoughts. It sounds exhausting for both of you. I think he deserves some credit for going along with this, because I personally would be pissed as heck at anyone telling me what I should and shouldn’t think. That would be a relationship ender for me.  Since he’s making at effort to stay in this relationship, I think you should do the same by talking to someone about the issues you have with sexuality & trust. If you can’t do that for the relationship, I think it might be time to move on & find someone you really are compatible with.

 

 

Post # 56
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I am roman catholic.  you’ve gotten a TON of great advice from the ladies of the BEE.  Some not even Christian. 

You’re marrying a Human being … he has shortcomings .. .he has things to work on .. that’s all apart of being human and being christian.  You are judging him and it’s not your place to judge.  You’re supposed to help him during this struggle.  I don’t think you’re helping.  This is his struggle and while you may not get it, or have the same problem, as his future wife this  becomes YOUR struggle also.  As PP have said you’re making it so hard for him to come to you and to talk to you.   I’m not sure why you posted this all , you keep arguing with people that have given some pretty good adivce.

 

Post # 57
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@WillowTreeWade:  this is what i was thinking. my Fiance and i will watch sex scenes and all of the pretty graphic lesbian sex in game of thrones, and he will never get even the slightest erection because we have sex regularly.

OP, i’m really sorry you’re so upset about this. i understand-i don’t like porn and asked my Fiance not to watch it and he said “no problem”. but your Fiance can’t control what turns him on, and asking it to look away from something he didn’t even realize would is just not fair.

Post # 58
Member
5158 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

@missrobots:  +1

Seriously, this comes across as very obsessive and controlling.

I think you do need to talk to someone. I think it is unrealistic to expect a partner to not even have a sexual thought or fantasy, or to not watch a play because there are women wearing beige-coloured tights and he might look or have a reaction. You cannot control his thoughts. Not even he can control all his thoughts! That does not mean he has to choose to act on them. That is part of being an adult – thinking, processing, choosing how to act. But again, it his choice how to react – not yours. 

There is a really unhealthy dynamic happening here. I don’t think it is fair on him to feel guilty or start self-flagellating because he has a fantasy. I don’t think it is fair for you to pressure him to tell you what he is thinking when you both know how you react (it is different if you both willingly choose to share fantasies and thoughts).

I do think that this is a big incompatibility between you in expectations and so forth. Given how strongly you feel about it, I also don’t think there is a satisfactory resolution or compromise here as long as you do feel this way about it. 

Post # 59
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I disagree with those saying that the things he chose to watch in porn or the things he fantasizes about are not things that he wishes to actually act out.  I also think he’s telling you about them to gauge your receptiveness of them.  Like, is there potential for her to come around to these ideas once we become married/sexually-active?

I think sexual compatibility in a relationship is very important.  Should a more sexually-reserved person try to make things work with a very sexually-open person?  ONLY if the reserved person is interested in expanding their sexual lifestyle.

If you think of this as someone who is a recovering alcoholic, they will never be completely “cured” of their desires to drink.  They just have to control their actions.  It sounds to me like this is what he’s doing for the most part in his porn-watching, etc.   But it sounds like you’re going beyond what you can control and trying to pry open his mind to get a clear view – and this is due to being betrayed in the past. 

I think the things you’re saying about how you feel about him speak volumes.  You say you don’t think you’d ever find someone you were really excited about – but I think you’re selling yourself short and essentially settling.  If you’re not excited about marrying him now, what makes you think you’ll be excited to be married 20 years from now when things are actually tough?

Please reconsider whether you’re ready to marry.

Post # 60
Member
11231 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

@missrobots:  @RayKay: @HisIrishPrincess: +1 to all of you.

OP, all you’re doing is hurting yourself by wanting to know every single thing he’s thinking all the time. You obviously have private thoughts, too, do you tell him everything you think? How would you feel if he wanted to know every single detail of every thought you had? I highly suggest that you speak with someone at your church about this, since you cannot afford therapy. I don’t think that it will be the same as seeing an objective therapist, but all clergy members are different (well, all therapists are different, too). You really need to seek some help for your anxiety and other related issues, otherwise you’re never going to be happy in any relationship.

Post # 61
Member
2704 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

OP, you’ve gotten some excellent advice and I hope you take it all to heart.  I think what you need to remember is that NO ONE is perfect and NO ONE is without sin.  If you really love your Fiance, then you should try and HELP him.  Right now all you are doing is judging, criticizing, prying into your FI’s every thought, making him feel guilty, and ultimately trying to control his every thought.  This is far from helping.  Maybe you could talk to your religious leader and ask for guidance or try some couseling (both couple and individual). This could also help with your serious trust issues.

You also need to remember that he is not going to change overnight.  It sounds like he is making progress and really trying to change his ways.  You need to acknowledge that instead of focusing on how he hasn’t changed enough.  He might trip or flounder and you need to learn to forgive him and help him instead of chastising him and focusing only how it makes you feel.  God forgives, why can’t you?

Finally, as other PPs have pointed out, you should take some time to learn about both male and female sexuality and how they differ (preferabley from a non-religious source).  It really sounds like you have a skewed view on how things are.  Men and women are wired differently.  We have different horomones and different urges.  It’s just science.  So prehaps if you learn more about this subject, as uncomfortable as it might be for you, it might go a long way with helping you understand where you Fiance is coming from and why he’s struggling.  I mean, it’s great that you don’t struggle, but that doesn’t mean everyone doesn’t nor does it mean everyone shouldn’t struggle. 

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