Post # 1
…With all the future talk. I mean, I’m tired of talking about it with my b/f!! We say the same things every time we talk about our future and I’m starting to get blue in the face. Talk talk talk talk talk… And no action!
We had our 3 year anniversary date on Saturday night at a restaurant that overlooks a park and lake. Of course, there were two weddings getting their pictures taken as we ate dinner. Lovely. Just what I wanted to see. Anyhoo, of course the b/f starts talking about our wedding, etc…. I said a few things just to add to the conversation, but after that night I realized: I’m SO SICK of talking about it! The conversations about our future has completely exauhsted itself. I feel like I’ve hit a brick wall with the whole ‘future’ talk. Before it was exciting to talk about. Now, it’s just a big circle… We say the same things over and over again.
So my response to him was: “I know exactly what our wedding is going to be like. And when the time comes, then we’ll talk about it.” But I don’t think he got my point. I’ve told him about 1.5 months ago that all this ‘talk’ is starting to get repetitive and that we should put some of our words into action. His response? “Interesting query!”.
The point is, is that I’m SICK of talking about our future with him, and I’m SOOOOO tempted to say to him (when he brings it up again): “Don’t take this the wrong way, but I can’t talk about this anymore. We’ve talked this stuff to death and there’s nothing left to do but DO it. Until we do it, then I don’t really want to talk about it because we’re not getting anywhere with just talking.”
Is that too harsh?
Post # 3
Whether or not it’s too harsh depends on your relationship and how honest you usually are with each other talking about feelings and things like this. Would he be over sensitive or would he take it the right way? I’m assuming he is already 110% aware you want to be engaged NOW and not at some vague future point.
I’d totally say something like that. I basically did… he kept mentioning how we should go ring shopping, but then flake out or not make actual plans to go. After a few rounds of that, I told him to can it until he was serious and I didn’t want to hear about it again until he was. That it was really irritating me to keep hearing about it when it was just talk talk talk.
About 2-3 weeks later the ring was bought.
Post # 4
I think that’s a little harsh. You don’t want to hurt his feelings either. It sounds like he is excited to talk about your future. Have you both talked about a timeline? I’m assuming you may have since you say you’ve talked it to death, but talking about what your wedding is going to be like vs. WHEN you’re actually going to get married are two different things…I think it’s sweet that it’s on his mind, but maybe ask him what his timeframe is without asking exactly WHEN it’s going to happen. It couldn’t hurt.
Post # 5
He probably doesn’t realized that his talking about weddings is annoying you… infact he might be thinking it has the opposite effect. If he seems that eager to discuss it with you so often that it is actually grating on you, I would gently remind him when it comes up again that you’re still waiting for him to ask the question. He’s obviously not wedding shy, so I think it would go over well. I think you do have to be a little more direct with him.
Post # 6
To be honest it sounds as if your frustrated with the fact that he is not ready to commit or marry you. I know this is harsh but you can either accept him not being ready or move on at some point in a relationship there comes a time when you over look to see if the relationship is going anywhere or in the direction that u want it to.
Thing is life is short and you want certain things, just express to him that you are ready for marriage and see how he feels about it. Just be honest you are looking for marriage.
Post # 7
We have never talked about a timeline, and recently I have been considering asking him. But I don’t want to pester him either. Talking about weddings, marriage, kids, etc. isn’t really a big deal for us. It’s normal conversation every other day. I don’t think he’d get hurt if I told him… But I DO think he’ll get my point that I am ready NOW. He has no reason to wait either. We had a few set backs in the past (job loss, car accident) but everything has been perfect for 9 months now. What’s he waiting for??
He insists that I be honest with him, and tell him when something is bothering me. I have a bad habit of going quiet and not saying much when something is on my mind. He appreciates me talking to him about things. Maybe he just needs some fire up his arse to get going, I dunno.
Post # 8
I think you should have the timeline chat. Next time it comes up, ask him straight out what his timeline is. You could say, “I know we talk about this a lot, but exactly when do you picture all of this happening? It seems like we’ve had it laid out for quite a while and I’m wondering when you see it unfolding.” Then, go forward with his answer. You could mention your own timeline (so he knows) and if it’s very different, discuss what to do about that. In the end if his is longer than a few months, let him know that you’re ready now (sooner) and that while you’re okay with waiting for him, you don’t want to be reminded of your ‘future’ until it can be your ‘present.’ Let him know that his constant talking about the future and lack of action hurts your feelings because you’re so excited to marry him and have a family, that ‘talking’ about it makes it seem really far off. Be honest and ask him to keep quiet about anything he isn’t ready to take action on yet.
Post # 9
I say honesty… gentle honesty, can’t hurt. We all know guys hate guessing what we’re upset about. After about 5 months of the exact thing you’re dealing with, just talking in circles about details of the wedding, our future, etc. started to make me crazy, I talked to him. I said that its hard to get so excited and plan things in my head so often every time we talk, but then really it makes me sad because we’re planning an imaginary wedding right now. That got him to set a date. A very thoughtful date too, the exact halfway point of our birthdays. We also went ring shopping and I got the okay to book a few things. I know we can’t tell you how he’ll react to a talk, but I say the more communication the better. And by communication, I mean real, honest, to the point communication. I bet if he knew that you feel a hint of sadness when wedding talk comes up, he’d be more motivated to take action.
Post # 10
I agree it wounds like you are both at the point in your relationship where you can talk about this directly. You can ask him calmly and directly, when he brings it up. If HE brings it up, you’re not pestering!!!
@artichokey: I love your suggestion to say “”I know we talk about this a lot, but exactly when do you picture all of this happening?” or “what are your thoughts on a timeline for all of this?”
If he starts getting defensive or closed up, just stay calm. Let him know that you love him and you know sometimes you get quiet about things. You want to honor his request to talk to him if something is bothering you. That will remind him that he asked for this type of open communication. *pause and listen for a second, he’ll probably ask “what’s bothering you?”* Then let him know that talking about the wedding is making you sad, when you know you can’t plan anything “for real” even though you really want to. *pause and listen to his reaction to you really wanting to plan things “for real”
If he feels pressured or pestered, just remind him that he wanted to hear from you when something was bothering you, instead of bottling it up.
I’ve had this problem before, going quiet when I really should be talking about it. What I’d do is work things out in my own head so I wasn’t upset, then share with my SO later. It turned out he really was interested in what I was thinking!
Post # 11
I know how you feel. My SO and I have been together FOREVER, and we talk about the family and the kids and the wedding and the house and the everything else, but we aren’t even engaged yet. Sometimes it makes me feel like a crazy person planning the future when I can’t actually act on any of the plans. You aren’t out of line for feeling this way.
Post # 12
I understand exactly how you’re feeling. I actually told my now Fiance to stop talking about “when we get married” because he had told me his timeline twice and both times he had to go back on it. After the second time, I told him not to speak to me about rings, weddings, or marrying until he was REALLY going to do it. It crushed him a little, but he understood. For me, putting my foot down was something I needed to do, because I was tired of feeling crushed about it. I can’t speak as to if this is a good idea for you and your guy, but it really made me feel good to stop talking about it until it was official.
Post # 13
@artichokey: Great advice. Go with that!