(Closed) I think I'm on my way to divorce…(long)

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: January 2020

I went through something similar recently, and I remember how lonely and awful it felt to be in such a position, when no one could relate to my situtation.  I’ll briefly go through my story here, with the hope that it can help you relate to someone and know that you’re not alone.

I got married at the age of 24 to a man I dated for 5 years.  Things seemed different when we first dated, but our lack of intimacy, as you described, seemed to worsen after we got married.  When I say lack of intimacy, I mean true intimacy, both physical and emotional.  He was never cruel to me, but he was also relatively passive, complacent, and immature, and while I grew up and progressed in my career and ambitions, he did not grow with me as a partner, even though we got along well (as friends).  Over time, I realized that our relationship was not a marriage.  I was his caretaker, not his wife.  Our situation was similar to the one you described – He did nothing for my birthday or Valentine’s Day (not maliciously, but out of apathy).  We never had sex, and the three times we tried over the three years we were married were awful, horrible experiences – I cried before, during, and after.  Not because he was cruel, but because I felt like I was his mother, taking care of him, and I didn’t want him to touch me in that way.  We’d have a peck on the lips every once in a while, but we never even touched each other in an affectionate way.  The love wasn’t there.  After three years of marriage, I reached the end of my rope – I felt like my life was over at 27.  We went to counseling.  He insisted he was fine with what we had, and that I was the one “making trouble” by bringing it up and suggesting that we change something.  That’s when I realized that if I wanted to be happy and live the life I wanted, it couldn’t be with him. 

I hated the notion of “divorce” – it seems so inherently negative.  I had the same doubts and fears as you do.  But I concluded that my happiness was worth more than what other people thought, and even if I “became a divorce statistic,” it’s my life.  I knew people would judge me, assume whatever they wanted.  But screw everyone else and what they think.  Only I know myself, and if I have the opportunity to take control of my own happiness, I’m damn well gonna take it.

We amicably agreed to divorce on our third wedding anniversary.  The papers went through in a month or two.  My family/friends questioned me, but supported me.  After a grieving period of a few months, I got back on the dating scene.  I’ve since met a wonderful man who truly is my partner; he supports me and loves me in the way that I always knew that I deserved to be loved.  (And we can’t keep our hands off each other… doesn’t hurt either).  He’s everything I’ve ever wanted, and we’re planning on getting engaged within the year.  He never held my divorce against me – I knew the right man wouldn’t.  It’s almost silly to me that I thought my life was over just a few years ago, because it’s so wonderful now.  If I didn’t have the gumption to change things, I would never be in this place.  I’m proud of myself for the changes I’ve made, and I have nothing but hope and excitement for the future.

 

You deserve to be happy.

 

You absolutely deserve to be happy.

 

If your current marriage is getting in the way of your happiness, I know it can feel hopeless.  But trust me – there is hope.  Your life can be different.  Mine is. 

Post # 32
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - Carmen\'s Lakeview

Heatherliak:  part of marriage is that you aren’t supposed to “give up and find someone new.” it’s not like you’re just dating. You agreed to be together forever. I would say try and work through it and if its just not feasable, then get the divorce. 

That being said, I’m sorry you’re having a tough time. Only you know what is best for you 🙂 

Good luck! 

Post # 33
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee

   What your husband is doing constitutes emotional and verbal abuse, and you need to remove yourself from that situation ASAP before things get worse…and they will, trust me. I was in that exact situation with my ex, and it got progressively worse with every passing year and eventually turned into physical abuse as well. Please seek help before it’s too late, because your husband appears to be a classic textbook abuser. I lived it for several years, and am now in the process of earning a degree in Family & Children’s Services in order to work as a Domestic Violence Victim Advocate…so I know what I’m talking about.

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