(Closed) I think it might be over…. advice please

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
4039 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would talk to him specifically about his criteria –

he wants you both to have jobs that pay more money. Ok, how much money? In relation to what (meaning does he want to make sure there is money for a morgage, child care, etc). 

He wants you to have jobs that you will have for a long time  What does that mean? Most people get promoted, change directions, etc. rarely to people get one job at 27 and stay in that exact position until retirement. 

Then the big question, the one that will tell you what you need to know – what is he/what are you doing to achieve these goals? 

pi don’t think these are necessarily reasons to leave he relationship IF he has set goals AND is making steps to achieve those goals. If he doesn’t have a plan to get there, or isn’t willing to establish one, then this is a stalling tactic and tells you it’s time to go. 

Post # 4
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

After 2.5 years, he should have enough information to decide whether he wants to marry you or not. I think it’s telling that’s he’s not asking for a long engagement, or to put off having children. He wants to put off even getting engaged. That tells me that at some level he is ambivalent about taking the next step with you. So I think you’re right – it’s time to end it, on your terms. Don’t waste any more of your time hoping he’ll come around. The sooner you end it, the sooner you can get over him, and be in a position for to meet someone who is right for you.

Sorry…. it sucks. But better to suck now than 3 years from now.

Post # 5
Member
482 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@LoBee:  I’m so sorry to hear 🙁

I would give you two pointers. One, make sure you’re not just afraid of being alone. I only say that because of one part of your post. If that’s the case, living separately could be great for you.

Two, let the topic rest. If you really do want to be with him and this is out of character for your relationship then you have to let it rest. In all likelihood, if you don’t bring it up, he will probably wonder about it soon enough. Give yourself a set amount of time before you bring it up again. Maybe 6 months considering you feel hurried by your biological clock. And if it hasn’t come up already, then you have to be able to gracefully and tactfully bring it up without putting pressure on him. I would say if he blows up about it then you have your answer.

I’m your age so I can totally put myself in your shoes. Good luck 🙂

Post # 6
Member
4524 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@emmalyn:  +1, totally agree.

@LoBee:  Like Emmalyn said, I’d give it six months to cool down and not bring it up.  I will say that I have respect for him sitting you down and being honest. I dont feel he’s stalling, neccesarily: I think he’s being very clear and direct with his wishes.  You can only control you at this point, now that you know where he stands. If it were me, I’d give it more time to see if the conversation comes up again and if he’s feelings have changed. He’s not saying he never wants to marry you, or anything like it. You’ve put alot into this relationship, I would not be so quick to bolt until it has had time to cool.

Post # 7
Member
1783 posts
Buzzing bee

@geekspice:  1+

It seems like he’s backtracking, and there is still a lot of 2013 left to go.  He’s getting his doubts out there much earlier than he has to so they must be significant.  You feel you’ve already made timeline compromises, you want a family and have concerns about difficulty conceiving in your family.  These are not unreasonable.  

  While difficult, maybe moving out would be a step to help clarify things.  Maybe he’ll miss you terribly and decide that getting engaged sooner (or the original 2013) timeline make sense, or it clarifies for one or both of you that it’s time to move on and find someone who has the same goals.

Difficult and scary steps to take, but I hope you don’t stay static and find yourself a this time next year – older and still waiting to become engaged with possible fertility concerns with no real progress.  

Post # 8
Member
7651 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

There is still a long time left in 2013–a lot can change like better jobs, etc. I would recommend waiting it out, but maybe in the meantime you should live separately if at all possible. If he feels you guys are that strained financially then he could just be talking out of stress.

 

Post # 9
Member
582 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I’m not sure I fully agree with the idea to wait an arbitrary 6 months (which might add up to 6 more months of reinforcing this avoidance behavior of his…this is what it feels like based on what you wrote.  Then again, your Boyfriend or Best Friend might be able to give some specifics about his expectations and back it up with a more concrete plan as a PP mentioned…).  You can also propose some ways in which you are working towards your own career goals and such…if he can’t hear those and be encouraged, even more of a warning sign, In My Humble Opinion.

An acquaintance of mine was in a similar situation…they eventually got married, but then her husband began stalling on the topic of having kids and is still ambivalent about wanting them (they are now in mid to late 30s)…

You deserve happiness and honesty.  Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

It sounds like you are just in shock of this whole incident, which is perfectly understandable.  I’m betting he really loves you and is hurt that you don’t want to wait however I don’t think he’s ready.  This sounds like just a nice way of him saying that he wants to only be with you but he’s just not actually ready to be married.  I think you should do whatever is best for you.  If you want to stay than stay but if you want to leave than leave.  If you stay but want to leave you are probably going to become spiteful over this and I don’t think that’s fair.

Post # 11
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@LoBee:  Perhaps re-frame the conversation. Instead of asking when ask what is really and specifically holding him back. Ask a lot of whys and can you explain that point so that I can understand. Get to the root of his issues.

Then decide if it can be worked through. If not you might need to move it along.

Post # 12
Member
1333 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

OP, when it comes to the financial aspect of getting engaged…is that in direct correlation to the cost of the ring/wedding, OR is it because in his mind a marriage = financial stability amongst the parties for a house/kids?!

The reason I ask is because if his apprehension is due to the cost of an engagement ring and wedding, and if being married to him is what matters to you, those things can be remedied by an inexpensive ring and an inexpensive wedding, etc.

If it is because he has some idea in his mind of the latter, then as other pp’s stated, you are entitled to a plan of action on how he believes you both can accomplish this.  Whether it be in discussing finding better careers, or a solid savings plan.

The whole idea of marriage is not something you should ever compromise on, ever, but he needs to give you clear cut, concrete “I/we need to do a, b and c before x, y and z can occur” so that you have the opportunity to make a decision to follow that timeline, to to walk.  GOOD LUCK!

Post # 13
Member
680 posts
Busy bee

Sorry to hear this. *Hugs* I’ve had a similar ongoing timeline argument w/ my bf. In his “ideal” world, I would have a six-figure paying job, be living with him and be traveling the world alongside him on the weekends…(You can imagine my scoffing at this ridiculous bar he has set for us). I’ve told him time and time again that while I understand his financial concerns for the both of us, I’m not going to wait for him to figure out when the “perfect” time is (bc you CAN’T control everything). I’ve pushed back the timeline for him twice now, and I warned him that if I don’t have a ring on my finger by our next anniversary, I’m GONE.

 

Perhaps your bf has realized that the clock is ticking and it freaked him out a little bit. It happens to my bf too. Someone will mention something about hating their wife or how their sex life started to suck after having kids blah blah, and he’ll freak out and not want that to be us one day. We’ve fought a lot over it because I, like you, have gotten very defensive. I’ve told him many times that I want to have a kid by the time I’m 30 just to be safe in that department, unless we are poor as dirt, etc.

 

Let this go for a while. I know it’s hard, but you both are heated right now and nothing good will come out of trying to fight it out. In a few days after you both have cooled off, ask him to talk. If he’s not having it, then I hate to say it, but you got to pull out the big guns and tell him your leaving FOR GOOD if he’s not going to talk and come to a reasonable compromise with a SET DATE OF ENGAGEMENT. (Personally, I think giving him until the end of 2013 as you both spoke of before is perfectly reasonable given what his current worries are. ) You can’t dance around this. He either wants to be with you or not. He can’t have it both ways. If you do end up leaving, he may straighten out and be more in line with what you both said earlier realizing that he could actually lose you all together. If you leave and he doesn’t give a damn, well then you saved yourself another couple years of waiting for nothing.

 

If you end up talking, be firm in what you want. Ask him for specifics about what he’s looking for financially. Make him understand that you are not going to wait forever because there will never be a perfect time financially or otherwise to get married. You both must have a set game plan. Write stuff down on paper… make a spread sheet of expenses… whatever. Make it real and in your faces.

 

You have to be strong about this. Don’t let him string you along. Give him an ultimatum if he won’t cooperate. I know others probably don’t agree with that, but I’m not the type to play games. It’s either going to happen or not. This is your life. Do what is best for you. Sure, he may tell you that it’s stupid to prefer to be alone than with him unengaged, but that’s not his problem. He’s just saying that to scare you into siding with his thinking. Ignore this. Be strong. You know what you want, and be sure to tell him exactly that.

Post # 14
Member
7219 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@OUgal0004:  +1

This is exactly what I was thinking. My BF’s only concern about engagement is getting me a nice ring without going into debt. I also want to have a big family wedding– without going into debt. He had it in his head that he HAD TO spend 3 months’ salary on a ring. What?! I got to explain that I wanted a smaller ring and def a moissy. There will be NO $15k+ rings on my finger! Meanwhile, we’re moving in together and basically what I’m saving on rent is going to a wedding fund. 

OP- I think what others have suggested of asking what specific goals he wants to achieve is important. If he’s worried about buying a ring… are you willing to go without one? If he’s worried about the cost of the wedding… what are your “must haves”? He could just have very different ideas of what this all means.

Post # 15
Member
4952 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Maybe he’s just feeling stressed and pressured right now, but honestly, the reality of marriage is that times may get tough in the future. Even if you waited to get better jobs, those could fall through at any time, like any job. I agree it’s easier to start a marriage on the right foot, but if he really wants to be married, he should be prepared to be married no matter what. For better or for worse, right? 

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