(Closed) I think iv'e just lost my friend :-(

posted 4 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 2
Member
2240 posts
Buzzing bee

She’s not good for you. Dump her as a friend. There are better people out there.

She has issues of her own by the way, so take all of the negative comments she made and makes about you with a huge grain of salt. She’s most likely feeling bad about herself and taking it out on you.

Post # 3
Member
621 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019

If she was trying to be constructive, she didn’t convey that effectively.

If you’re my friend tho, I’d think you have attachment issues and seriously talk to you about boundaries. It’s slightly creepy how you rely on her so much, I think this is for the best–your best.

Post # 4
Member
3050 posts
Sugar bee

There is something very dishonest and manipulative about your friend.  She may well have been charming and helpful at first but already cracks were appearing. She repeatedly made you late for college so that she could intercept the courier. She lied to you about deadlines and how much work she was (or wasn’t ) doing.

She is in a mess herself and clearly has lots of issues regarding being open and truthful. She would rather lie than face any sort of conflict.

Worse, she says horrible things to you in order to damage your self confidence. Why would a friend do this? I think that her motives are suspect. She either wants to keep you in college so that she still has you around or she wants you to do badly so that she feels better in comparison. This isn’t what friends do.

Worse still, she says horrible things to you and then denies having said them. This is gaslighting because she makes you question the truth of the situation. She then goes on to put a sneaky comment on facebook.

If she has been married 19 years then she is old enough to know better.

I think that the close friendship has run its course. This happens to all of us. Your friend is being destructive and being nice to you in the past does not give her the right to be nasty to you now.

I think that you need to do your best to increase your social circle so that you depend on this lady less and less.

 Talk to your partner about all this.  He may well be right to exclude her from your home. However, you must use every opportunity to make new friends.  

Post # 5
Member
9162 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Honestly you both sound like you have issues. I won’t address hers because she isn’t here but do yourself a favour and end the friendship because it is not healthy for either of you.

You say you have mental health issues, are you in therapy? You sound overly involved in your friends life and showing entitlement and hurt feelings over things that are frankly none of your concern. You show a distinct lack of boundaries.

 

Post # 6
Member
3050 posts
Sugar bee

We cannot know both sides of a story but if your friend tells you lots of secrets and lies (without prompting), tells her husband that she doesn’t smoke but smokes when with you, and makes you witness her intercepting the mail in order to fool her husband, then she is making you collude with her dishonest behaviour. Do you know what you would say if her husband started asking you questions about his wife??

If you feel that you are being made to collude then you need to say no. You also need to make other friends as soon as you can and alter your transport arrangements.

You should also tell your friend that you don’t want to be part of the dishonesty and that she needs to keep her secrets to herself.

 

Post # 7
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

I think the kindest thing to say is that it sounds like this friendship has run its course.  It’s no longer a positive force in your life.  It hurts when a friendship ends, but you will emerge okay.  Focus on you, and do not message her.  Have you spoken with a professional about your issues?  It might be a helpful way for you to process all of the changes in your life (starting a business, taking a break from school, loving on from a once meaningful friendship.)

Post # 9
Member
560 posts
Busy bee

From what you’ve described it does sound like you have boundary issues and attachment issues as well. This is something you can surely work on in therapy. Your friend however seems to have dishonesty problems that would likely be way harder to try and solve. Your friendship doesn’t seem healthy for either one of you, so I’d say end it. Focus more on yourself, your needs and and put your energy toward therapy that will be beneficial for you.

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