I think my BF has problem with alcohol, dont know what to do,

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 1
Member
24 posts
Newbee

It all started 3 years ago when he was living with his mom. One day I decided to help him clean his room. I found around 8 bottle of 1,5L of beer 10.1%. I was shocked because i didnt know that he drank that much. But this doesnt ment that he had a problem. 

2 years ago, he got arrested because he was drunk in his car in a parking lot.

Last year he moved by himself, and I when to visit often, Everytime that he would pick me up, he would have to stop at the cornerstore, I didnt know why, and It was imperatif for him to do so. Several time that we were almost home, he would go back to the corner store. I then realised that he had do buy his 1,5 L of beer

Last july, we moved in together, I told him that i thought that he had a problem with alcohol, he said that he doesnt drink that much. few months after that, I called for help in our area and i gave my BF some numbers to call for help. He said that he would call, but he doesnt want to stop drinking, he only wants to drink less. I was happy that he finally realised that he had a problem. He never called any of the numbers… He just decided to stop beer and drink 1L of wine instead.

Since we have been living togheter, he runs everyday to the grocerystore, before 11pm to buy a type of alcohol, that he would sneek in his studio or on the balcony. I guess he doesnt want me to see how much he is drinking, but i can see that there is a lot of bottles scattered in those 2 places.

I had to ask him not to drink one night so we could spend quality time… I shouldnt have to ask him that…

4-5 days int he weel he is tipsy or drunk (cannot stand straight on his feet) Every weekend he goes out and comes home drunk.

He didnt eat this week end he only drank alcohol .

I cannot stand him when he is drunk, he disgust me, Plus it makes him snore so i end up sleeping on the couch when reaches the bed ( because most of the time he passes out on the couch)

I love him, but i HATE him when he drinks. So much that it is hard for me to have a drink with him when we go out. I havent talk to anyone about this execpt the person i called for alcoholic help and one frend back in july.

I dont know what to do, how to help him.He is never abusif to me. The only problem is that he is hurting himself and our relashionship

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Post # 2
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I don’t been to be so blunt but, leave him. It will only get worse. If he truly loves you, he will reach out for the help he needs to keep you in his life. Your BF was me about 3yrs ago… Get him help, or get out.

Post # 3
Member
1067 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves sweetie.  I’m sorry to say it, but this will only get worse.  You need to decide if this is the life you want to live, because you CANNOT assume that he is going to ever stop.  In fact, it is most likely to get worse.

Post # 4
Member
6867 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

He’s an alcoholic and you can’t fix that for him. He has to want to fix it, and even if he wants it, it’s a long hard road with high potential for relapse. If this isn’t the life you want to end up leading then you need to leave.

Post # 5
Member
2718 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I know others are saying to leave him but it sounds to me like you’ve had some red flags pop up and didn’t pay (a lot of) attention to them so…I think YOU need help and support. Find yourself an Al-Anon group in your area (al-anon.alateen.org) and sit in on some of those meetings.  It will help you better identify what makes YOU be/stay there for as long as you have and help you learn how to deal with living with an “active” alcoholic.

Post # 6
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Leave leave leave…leave now. He will only get help when he is ready. He is not ready. hake a plan, get your stuff out and get out ASAP. 

Post # 7
Member
24 posts
Newbee

FutureMrsLarson:  Thank you for the comment. I dont think that i can help him unless he really wants to be helped. We have been togheter for 7 years and we are engaged, that why i dont want to leave him just like that. 

Soon2ElopeBee:  I think that you are right, I will try to find help for me and know how i can help him. If I realy cant then there is no point to be in a relationship or getting married to someone that doesnt make me happy

sharksgrl99:  Thankd for the reply. I feel like that is exactly what i would to my friend if she told me the exact same story, but being in the situation, it is harder than it seems. We are getting married next year and I feel like i should be there for him, since he wasnt like that when i met him. But I have to open my eyes and see that i cannot help him. 

Post # 8
Member
855 posts
Busy bee

Run….hate to have to say it but been there and done that. Save yourself the pain you’ll befell later. Leave

Post # 9
Member
451 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

But that’s where I think you are in denial. You even said there were bottles in his room at his moms. I’m positive there was more than he showed you at the time. Everyone is on their best behavior when first dating. Alcoholcvs are very sneaky. There is so much more I’m sure you don’t know about. 

please do not ignore the signs. You said you have talked to him on numerous occasions. He has lied about stopping. He has made no effort to stop. Even for you. Now you have to do what’s best for you. 

Post # 10
Member
2667 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

DO NOT marry this person.

And although “leave him” sounds awful, you’ve got to be honest and steel yourself for the reality:

You cannot–no one can–make someone give up an addiction. HE is the only person who can do that, and no amount of cajoling, threatening, love, understanding, etc. is going to help him, and if you stay with him, you are going to enable him to continue. Which will feel like the right thing to do if you love him, but eventually, you will realize that you’ll be living your life IN ORDER TO help him, rather than living your life WITH him.

I would advise ending the relationship. And I understand the desire for “being there for him,” but honestly, that isn’t realistic. I am so sorry.

Post # 11
Member
5757 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY

His addiction is a serious matter that you must address immediately.  I agree that counseling and a support group will help you understand your position in all this, but your best option might be moving out and make it clear to him that your relationship will not continue unless he seeks help and follows through.  Even if he gets help, you must know it will be uphill moving forward; you need to think long and hard if this is how you want to start building a family.

 

Post # 12
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

seabeauty7:  Ahh hunny,i was in your situation once,for 5 long years. It does not get better,it gets worse. The hiding his bottles is very telling,he has a problem but doesnt want you to realise the extent.When i finally kicked my ex to the curb i found aa total of 48 bottles hidden around the hedges/bushes/shed in our garden. That was the final moment that i realised i could not help him/cure him/fix him. You are going to need to realise that also

Its so hard to give up on a man who was previously so god damn wonderful,you spend years praying that the old loving,caring,considerate person would show back up but they wont when they dont want to.

Believe me i know how hard this is,this post has hit quite a nerve with me,but you have to ask yourself what kind of life YOU are having here. He’s basically pissed most of the week,off out at the weekends and staggering home drunk,so what are YOU getting out of the relationship? The answer for me was nothing….but i still loved him! 

One day after yet another rant/cry to my friend,she just looked at me and said simply ”you got this for the rest of your life.You can either accept that,carry on and put up or shut up, or you can leave him” I knew i could never accept living that way for the rest of my life so i left him. Was it easy?nope!But i also felt free from trying to fix him/worrying/dreading him coming home drunk (even though he wasnt abusive). 

At the very least cancel/postpone your wedding and tell him why.If he is ever going to want to change this maybe the kickstart he needs.If not,then you have your answer

Wishing you the very best of luck

Post # 13
Member
9430 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

seabeauty7:  he is 100% an alcoholic. He will never drink less- it’s all or nothing with addicts. He will not stop unless he is really committed to- you can’t force that. 

Honestly- you’re not married. Why shackle yourself to an alcoholic for life? Just get out now. 

Post # 14
Member
203 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Postpone the wedding, get your own place and see if his addiction means more to him than you. He will seek help if he wants you to be is wife forever. Staying in the situation does not mean you do not love him, it means you love yourself enough to protect yourself from further mental anguish and other forms of abuse that comes along with alcohol addiction.

In addition, there is such a thing as LONG engagements. Take your time and please do not start a marriage off with a situation as serious as this! Keep your chin up!

Post # 15
Member
5636 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

seabeauty7:  Alcoholic! My friend just left her alcoholic husband after years of finding bottles under the couch, in the trash, in the bathroom after he’d repeatedly say he’d quit and never did. Or he would for short amounts of time. He was even in an accident and had a breathalizer on his car for a year after that. Leeeeave, please. You will be so much better off, I promise.

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