(Closed) I think my FI has turned into a Groomzilla – help!

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 1
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

Yikes! Fiance and I got into our biggest fight ever last night, the latest in a series, about wedding planning! I am at my wits end here. Let me give you some background…

Fiance and I get along really well. During 2 and a half years of dating, we’ve never really fought. We may disagree or get testy every once in awhile, but no real ‘fights’. One thing that I’ve always loved about him is that he is so rational in the face of a problem. He stays calm, considers all angles, thinks it through. He is my rock.

NOT when it comes to wedding planning, though! We can’t agree on anything – big or small ceremony, formal or informal reception, bridal party or no bridal party. He wants what they call an ‘un-wedding’, with none of the traditional stuff. I want a more traditional wedding. The idea was that we would compromise and both give and take to combine our ideas.

Except that is not happening, and it has turned into this endless fight. It’s not the fact that we disagree – everyone disagrees sometimes. The problem is that on this particular topic, we can’t communicate in any kind of a constructive way! My super-rational boyfriend has suddenly become Groomzilla. He jumps to sweeping conclusions – any suggestion on my part is met with “You’re turning this into a huge production”, “You don’t care about what I want”, Essentially, it’s always – if we do anything I suggest then the whole thing is going to be boring and horrible, even though we are allegedly ‘combining’ our ideas. He’s gone all ‘My way or the highway’ on me all of the sudden. 

I am just really frustrated. Of all the things for him to be so controlling about, I never in a million years thought he would pick our wedding! As a rule he could absolutely care less about this stuff, so it floors me that our first and only fights have been over his apparently passionate feelings on centerpieces. I mean – for real?!

I feel like the best advice in this situation is always “You guys need to sit down and have a good talk”, but we have tried that. We pick times when we are both going to be calm, and open, and sit down to discuss, and agree that we will both compromise. Then it just turns into the same stupid fight all over again, and when I try to talk about what’s going on, he just gets defensive (i.e., he’ll yell and then yell “I’m not yelling! You’re inventing this conflict that isn’t there!” or he’ll have a fit about all my ideas and then say “The problem is that you’re not compromising!”)

This is SO not like him! It’s like he has zero insight into his own behavior all of the sudden. Ack! What to do?

 

Post # 3
Member
3285 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

wow!  I can not imagine Fiance doing that, so first of all, I am sorry you have to go through that when things can get stressful enough as it is with wedding stuff!  Anywho, since you know him well, and have not had many arguements in the past, it might be a good idea to get someone to mediate.  In addition, if you can, I’d imagine that a lot of the disagreements are more about passion than trying to make the other person mad – so I’d recommend having the both of you write out your wants/needs for the wedding to best see eye to eye.  Good luck! =)

Post # 4
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I don’t know if this will work, but it might be worth a try. Make a chart with a list of wedding related things, i.e number of guests, formality of ceremony with space under each thing to write what you would like, i.e. number of guests: 100. Each of you should fill out a copy by yourself. Then put the lists together. The hope is that when he actually sees the lists, it will be easier to compromise as it is right in front of him. This way he will hopefully see that you are making sacrifices too.

Post # 5
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I think Stormy’s idea is great, but I also agree with krissycake that a mediator is in order. Maybe you could find a wedding planner who can see both your visions, and is comitted to reaching a compromise. That way, both of you would know that your point of views are respected, and that there was a neutral party running the show who will make sure everything turns out great for your big day.

Post # 6
Member
7 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2009

Wow! Good to know there’s another groomzilla out there…I’ve never been one to ‘dream’ of my wedding while growing up, but I do have preferences. I play violin and piano at weddings around San Diego with friends and been part of many DIY bridal brigades…and I’ve realized that i have certain essentials (friends playing live music, cord/veil tradition for my culture, and interesting florals). For him it all seems so overwhelming, cost-wise for him(his sister did her wedding for $2000 back in 2000; no dinner, free church hall, costco appetizers for ~100 ppl), so that’s what he compares our situation to.

Anyway, he’s totally unaware of what things cost (i was aghast when he said our decor/flower budget should be $200-400; for a 150 person wedding), plus he wanted to use ‘precious moments’ type icons and a font that had hearts dotting the i’s. Cute, but so not me.

…and i’ve got bargain basement prices (lots of things borrowed/recycled, friends play or photograph for free (only charging editing), cousin who’s a floral designer, etc.). Anyway I got fed up so I just said, okay, let’s do a destination in Baja! That didn’t fly with him. gah!

Are you two paying for it yourselves? My parents are helping out a bit, but i’m using my connections to negotiate. Maybe for me it all stems from me trying to get the best price and waiting until I’ve analyzed everything to make a decision<–that’s what frustrates him.

  Anyway it’d be almost a shame to not avail of my different friends’/family services…they want to bless us with their love, tooUndecided. Other things just have a price tag and you can’t get around it. okay my vent is over. Embarassed back to studying and planning

Post # 7
Member
51 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Yikes! I feel your pain.

I don’t know if you could convince him to do this but it might be worth it to hire a wedding planner.  Many can be hired for just as long as you need, even if its a one sesion brainstorm. You could use her just to get started on the direction your wedding is going in and she could combine your ideas without really taking a side.  It might be helpful if you have a third party coming up with the ideas so it won’t seem like you’re just trying to get your way or that he’s just trying to get his way.

Good luck hon! I wish you the best.

Post # 8
Member
363 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2010 - Trinity Presbyterian Church/Harrison Opera House

I’ve got a groomzilla on my hands too!  At the start of the wedding, we wrote up a “contract” of what he wanted to be involved in and what he didn’t.  When we start to argue, I bring out the contract and remind him of his top priorities.  I’m giving him his way on his top priorities and other things either are compromised on, or I get my way on the things that I identified as top priority.  Work as a team, you can get through this!

Post # 9
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee

Can you share some of the traditional vs. non traditional disagreements? Maybe we can offer help with a middle ground for you.

 

Ps. I’m facing the same thing. Only in reverse. I want no traditional stuff, he wants a big normal wedding.

Post # 10
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

If it is out of his character to be uncompromising, there is a small possibility that he is having concerns about marriage and is acting out by making wedding planning difficult.   Men aren’t always great at communicating their feelings, and sometimes when they are behaving badly it is because they are unable to communicate their feelings in a more productive manner.  I would ask him how he feels about being engaged, and what are his thoughts about marriage.  

 

If the root of the behavior is genuinely that he has strong feelings about the wedding, then I would agree with the above posters who suggested using a wedding planner for mediation.

Post # 11
Member
62 posts
Worker bee

Thanks so much for the advice! I am going to try all of the above, actually – written lists and meeting with a wedding planner. And glad to know I’m not the only one in this boat!

GothyBride (like your name!) since you asked, this is a general breakdown:

Him – Private ceremony – immediate family only + the priest

Me – Open ceremony – everyone invited to the reception is invited to the ceremony

 

Him – No bridal party

Me – Small bridal party

 

Him – No formalities (toasts, speeches, first dance, cake cutting, etc.)

Me – One or two – maybe a quick welcome toast, one dance together

 

Him – Reception is short, no meal, alcohol and appetizer style food only, no table seating, then afterwards we change and hit the town to party

Me – Reception is the better part of the evening and we party there – informal table seating available with a casual buffet style meal

 

Him – No extras (photographer, flowers, etc.)

Me – Essential extras (a few wedding photos, enough decor to make the space look nice)

 

We’re actually not too far apart, thank goodness – it’s not like I’m picturing Cinderella’s Ball and he’s picturing MTVs Headbanger’s Ball, or something! I think that’s why it’s all the more frustrating that he’s so set against integrated some of my ideas. In my mind, adding a few tables and chair ain’t gonna change things all that much! For him, he says this changes his ‘vision’ for the reception. And then I’m left thinking… WTF?! You have a ‘vision’ about your wedding day? YOU? That part I do find kind of comical, actually, since he’s such a ‘manly man’ most of the time! Who knows what goes on in men’s heads, really!

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