(Closed) I think my friend is an alcoholic….

posted 4 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 1
Member
4607 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I’m worried about my friend again. I’ve posted about her before, but before I was just worried about the guy she was dating at the time. Now I’m worried for her health and safety.

 

I think she’s becoming an alcoholic. Ever since she started dating her current boyfriend 7 months ago, she’s been drinking. It’s not a weekend thing or an every once in a while thing. It’s every single day that she doesn’t have her son, she is drunk. She drinks in her car while she’s on break at work. She came to my house once and when she got out of the car, she was drinking a beer. There were three other empty beer cans in her car that she asked if she could throw away while she was here. She wanted to go buy more beer before she left and I wouldn’t let her. I also begged her to sleep over at my house because she was drunk. Thankfully she agreed to stay. But this is all she does now. The gas station where she used to buy beer from has had to refuse to sell to her numerous times because she comes in drunk, trying to buy more beer. 

 

I’ve talked to her about it before. I’ve asked her if she thinks she’s drinking too much. She doesn’t see the big deal because “it’s just beer” and “it’s not interfering with her life”. She’s drinking and driving and last night she called me crying because she said she had gotten so drunk that she didn’t know if she was raped or not. (The guy that was at her house sent her a text implying that they’d had sex). She’s also afraid to go to the health department to get tested or to report the guy because they don’t think they’d take the report seriously since she was drunk. She’s deleted all of the texts he sent her as well. (I am not adding this because I think that she was asking for it by being that drunk and having the guy over at her house or anything like that. I firmly believe that nobody ever asks to be raped, and if I knew the guy I’d go and hurt him myself. I’m just scared for her, and this makes me even more scared for her, because he knows her well, knows where she lives and knows where she keeps her extra house key.)

 

 

 

I am very concerned for her. Very, very concerned for her. 

 

Her grandmother, the only mother figure she’s ever had, has called me a few times wanting me to talk to her because she says that my friend won’t listen to them. I don’t think that anything I say will make a difference either though, and I’m not really sure if it’s my place to tell her to get her life together. She’s 26. Her grandparents are worried that her drinking is going to come out though and she will lose custody of her son. Her ex husband is still trying to sue her for full custody. Her grandparents don’t know she might have been raped. What should I be doing? She’s my friend. I want to help her and I don’t know where to begin…

 

 Has anyone else been in this situation before? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 3
Member
4666 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I just wanted to say I’m really, really sorry. Someone close to me was an addict and the worst part of addiction is when the addict can’t see it but everyone else around them can. Something has to click with them and they have to realize it’s a problem before they will have any desire to change their situation. It can take a very long time to hit rock bottom, and some never ever reach it before it’s too late. 

Al-anon has family and friends sessions to help the people effected by someone elses addiciton. They can guide you on what you can do, what you can’t do and how to cope going forward. I would reccomend that route. 

Unfortunatley you can’t force her to get tested or seek help. That’s the hardest part of caring for someone with an addiction. 

If your friend is drinking or drunk in public again, I would quietly phone the cops tbqh. Before she hurts herself or someone else. Is she not concerned about potentially losing her kid? 

Post # 4
Member
2623 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

You can talk to a therapist about a forma intervention, but other than that your right in that you are not going to be able to convince someone with a problem to go sober overnight.

I dont know what the ex-husband is like, but its very possible her child should be with him if she has a drinking problem to the degree where she is drinking and driving and blacking out. How can you be sure that she wont start doing this with her daughter there? Its going to happen eventually. 

Post # 5
Member
2037 posts
Buzzing bee

@ThreeMeers:  +1!

This situation is scary and I know it’s hard you OP to sit by and watch this happen.  Maybe what she needs is an actual intervention!  Good luck!

 

 

Post # 6
Member
4607 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@HappySky7:  I will look into those resources, thank you. She doesn’t think that she has a problem. She sees it as a “I came home from work and now I’m having a beer.” I don’t know if she thinks that she will lose her son. The first time they went to court over custody, the judge told her ex that until he had his own place to live and another job, he couldn’t get any more days than he already had. I think that she feels that the courts won’t take her son. But she already has a lot going against her. She’s a hoarder as well, and DHR has already told her that she needed to clean up the house. 

@ThreeMeers:  Her ex isn’t a bad guy. He wasn’t the greatest while they were married, but he really is a good dad. 

Post # 7
Member
4666 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@SouthernGirl:  Oh dear. Yes addictions are especially hard when the person has another underlying mental health disorder. It’s going to be no small task for her to get treatment. Is the father of the kid stable and aware of the situation? 

Post # 8
Member
2335 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@SouthernGirl:  I feel you. I’m sorry for what you are going through with your friend. My sister is 26 and an alcoholic. I’m so sad all the time because we grew up soooo close. I mean, we shared a room until I was 14 and moved away (she’s two year older than me) to live with my dad, and we always stayed up late at night talking to each other in the dark. We’ve always been close, even when I moved away. We’ve dealt with our long-distance relationship by being great friends over the phone and on fb.

In the last year she has done nothing but ruin her life and lie to me. When I think everything is fine, she’s secretly getting a criminal record. She got arrested three times in the span of a month. Twice for public intoxication and once for domestic violence. Of course I’m like WHAT THE F***. Because the girl I know would never get into physical altercations with her boyfriend. She wouldn’t get arrested for p.i. because she’d go out with her friends and then go home ON FOOT OR IN A CAB. She’s also called in to report domestic violence, saying that her bf pushed her down the stairs. WTF???

I can’t believe she won’t trust in me enough to tell me these things. I found out from googling her name and seeing her mugshots as the first thing that popped up. It’s like she thinks my life is so perfect and I’m too good to listen to her problems or something. She always says that me and FI are “on a different level” and weird crap…um, I used to be a drug addict and homeless. My life is not perfect. I was a victim of domestic violence. I was a heavy drinker for years. I just now turned my life around…watching my dad die before he was 50 really changed my life.

Now I just found out that “someone stole her car and wrecked it.”

Can you imagine my disbelief? She has lied to me about everything on earth in the last six months, how can I believe that her car was stolen? You know what I think? I think she drove drunk, wrecked her car and ran because she was scared of getting a DUI. I think she went home and reported her car stolen the next morning after she sobered up.

She says there is no way she was the one driving because the airbags deployed and she doesn’t have any marks/bruises on her. I think she was so drunk she went limp and miraculously survived. Or any other explanation in the world. I just don’t believe her. Can you blame me?

I’m afraid to talk to anyone about it because I know people will call her “toxic” and tell me to kick her to the curb. But you know what? That’s my motherf***ing sister and she is NOT toxic, she’s not a bad person. She’s irresponsible as hell and running from her emotions. She acted childishly when our dad was dying and she’s running from guilt and depression. I don’t know what to do. I’ve paid for her plane ticket and she’s returning to our mother’s house on Wednesday.

Oh my god, sorry to threadjack. I just wanted to share my experience with you…because it sounds like you value your friendship and you are genuinely concerned. I’m pushing for my sister to see a doctor. I want her to get in counseling.

Can you convince your friend to see somebody? I don’t think I’ll be able to convince my sister to quit drinking…but if she can at least talk to someone about what’s going on in her head, maybe we can make even the smallest difference in her life…which might lead to saving her? God, I don’t know.

Post # 9
Member
4607 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@HappySky7:  He is stable but he doesn’t know about the drinking. He knows about her hoarding though. He tried to get her to go talk to someone about her hoarding when they first moved in together, but she just got angry and left for a few days. She threw away around 9 garbage bags of clothes shortly after that, but she just went and repurchased the same amount again. Her son’s never had his own room because she keep most of her stuff in what was supposed to be his room. 

@boogiewoogies:  Wow, I can’t imagine going through that with a family member. I don’t think that she will try and talk to a therapist. She’s in denial about a lot of the problems she’s had. The hoarding, self harming and the drinking. Her hoarding she calls an “addiction to a good deal”. The self harming also “wasn’t a big deal”. And the drinking “isn’t a big deal”. I think she also might be afraid that if she goes to a therapist, that her ex will have what he needs to get full custody of their son. In a way it’s like she doesn’t think it will happen, but she’s also afraid to talk to anyone just in case it does. She’s never wanted to go to therapy. When she and her husband first started having problems, he tried to get her to go to a counselor, but she wouldn’t go. I don’t know if she thinks people will judge her for it or what. 

Post # 10
Member
2335 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@SouthernGirl:  Oh no 🙁

I wouldn’t know the first thing to do then. I guess her being a mother really complicates everything…this is just so sad.

Post # 11
Member
4607 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@boogiewoogies:  It is. Her grandparents want to force her into rehab through the courts, but I told them I didn’t think that would help her any. She’s 26, she’s got to want to get help. At this point, I mostly just want her to go to the health department and get tested for any STDs, just in case. I also don’t think she’s happy. Her mother, who is a drug addict and never took care of her kids, has been bothering her a lot. Her uncle died after a long, rough illness. She’s also not handling her divorce well, her boyfriend broke up with her and moved away, and her brother isn’t speaking to her. She’s having a hard time. 

Post # 12
Member
4666 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@SouthernGirl:  I think it would be a good idea to talk to the father about it, if he’s a reasonable guy. It’s not a good situation for a kid to be in and maybe he can appeal to her parent to parent. That, and he should be aware of his sons situation. 

Post # 13
Member
4607 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@HappySky7:  True. I haven’t wanted to say anything to him because I don’t want to be caught in the middle of any legal issues and I’ve always stayed neutral on any issues between them. Perhaps I could let him know anonymously? 

Post # 14
Member
2335 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@SouthernGirl:  That’s so sad. Forcing her into rehab wouldn’t necessarily help her because she’s not interested in help. It’s like she thinks she can outrun everything. Definitely try to get her to the health dept!!

Post # 15
Member
4666 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@SouthernGirl:  You could… I guess it depends on how close you are with him, what kind of guy he is. If he’s the type to take this siutation and use it against her.. well, that makes it harder. If he’s the type that just wants to play it nice and get things sorted out for his son’s sake.. then it’s going to be less of a shit show. I think al-anon could better advise you on how to proceed, I’m not so sure about the legal implications. 

Good luck to all involved 🙂

Post # 16
Member
1158 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@SouthernGirl:  Unfortunately until your friend wants to stop the drinking it will continue.  It is just what they do.  I will apologize ahead of time, as I do not wish to hurt your feelings.  I have been dealing with a brother like this for 20 years!!

There are some things you can to to help yourself deal with this a little better.  AlAnon, really works.  I have had to go to meetings in the past to help me deal with my brother.  It helps give you an outlet on your frustrations with the addict / alcoholic.

Intervention.  You can try this.  See if you can get people from her family to support you in this.  Sometimes, the more people who are involved, the more they feel like they should seek help.

Don’t enable her.  If you don’t like who she is when she drinks, don’t socialize with her when she is drinking.  Don’t accept her calls when she is drinking.  Don’t give her any reason to believe on any level that you are supportive of her while she is doing this.  I know that sounds cold.  But really it is one of the best things you can do not only for her…..but for your sanity.  Tough love, it is not easy to do.  But you have to force them to look at their actions.

Remember this.  You cannot make her stop drinking.  All of us who have had to watch the throws of addiction / alcoholism want to do help them  But there is nothing you can do for them.  This is a struggle they have to meet head on.  I know it sucks, but really it is the only thing that works.  For an addict / alcoholic to find sobriety it must be done in there time, not yours.  

Your heart is in the right place.  But the truth is, the best thing you can do to help her is to let her feel the consequences for her actions.  Don’t be the one to charge in and save the day for her.  

There is not an easy fix for your friend.  She needs to find her own bottom.  You need to know that this may take some time.  I have been waiting 20 years with my brother, and I am still waiting.

Good luck!

 

 

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