Advice wanted. I think my husband has ED :(

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
691 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

*Hugs* this is a tough thing to deal with.

From my experience, if he has a difficult time “going all the way” once, there’s an anxiety that builds up that it’ll happen again. The anxiety makes the ED worse and it’s a snowball effect. Talking about how frustrating it is (and believe me – I totally understand that it is!) can actually make it worse on them… It brings a lot of pressure into the mix.

One thing that I found that helped was to take the pressure off. Cuddle or massage without the intention of sex. Enjoy just foreplay. Bring him to O without actual penetration. Show him that he’s still “working” correctly. Once his guard is brought back down, it might help the situation and you can get your love life back on track.

And if it happens again, just say “honey, it’s okay.” And leave it at that. He used to get really upset, but when I brushed it off and told him “I love you anyway, let’s cuddle” things started getting better. We all have our sexual slumps… he may just be in one of his. Gently help him out of it 🙂

Good luck!

Post # 4
5271 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Is he taking any new medication? I know this can affect it.

If the problem isn’t related to medication, you need to sit down and have a heart to heart. Be sure to comfort him and be understanding, but he has to also understand that sex is a very important part in your relationship. You miss that connection to him, and that you know he misses that connection to you too.

Maybe offer to go to the visit with him, explaining that he isn’t in this alone, and come at it as a joint issue that you both want resloved, that may ease his mind.

Either way, I could imagine it being fustrating for him & you, but he does need to at least seek help and figure out the problem…

Post # 5
902 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Several things could cause ED, but also several things could be wrong that’s not even related to ED but could be a health concern.

I would maybe try going to a DR to have everything checked out, better safe than sorry.  I know it’s a very touchy subject especially for a man but honestly I rather my husband be healthy first before having it go on too long without any treatments and possibly doing more harm.


Post # 7
902 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I hope you guys find out what’s wrong and that its nothing serious!

Post # 9
1575 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

As PP posters have said, ED can be an indication of another health issue, like high blood pressure, etc. He really needs to get checked out. How is his libido? If there;s problems with that as well, he may need testosterone supplementation. My FH had a similar problem and he tried the ED pills but they didn’t help that much. Then his Dr. tested for hormones and his testosterone AND thyroid hormones were out of whack.

Post # 10
46681 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Does he get and sustain an erection while masturbating? If so, he doesn’t have a physical problem. Many things can interfere with the ability to sustain an erection during intercourse,including fear of pregnancy etc.


Post # 11
2 posts
  • Wedding: June 2012

I feel for you- having the same issue with my Fiance (writing this annonymously). It is such a difficult thing to talk about because he is super sensitive about it and wants to blame it on a million different things rather than ED. He went for a doctor appointment last year for a full physical (at my insistence)  and everything came out normal.  The problem is I’m afraid that he wasn’t completely honest with the doctor about the real issue and was able to write it off as him being under stress and tired from work. I see the commercials on tv about low testosterone and am pretty convinced that’s it…but I can’t get him to admit that it is a real problem. I am concerned about his health because I do think it can be a sign of a bigger issue, but we have been dealing with this for a year and I’ve made little progress. I am interersted to see if anyone has any advice for you, as I could use it myself.

Post # 12
8 posts
  • Wedding: September 2012



This type of thing can also be a few other things that are relatively easy to fix.

A Hypothyroid condition can cause Low testosterone and/or high prolactin levels.

Both of these things will affect his sex drive and cause ED. When the thyroid issue is addressed the other issues will disappear.

Once again…get him to the Dr. It can be something that is off with his endocrine system and once regualted will resolve itself.

Once the endocrine system becomes unbalanced it all snowballs…it causes low vitamin D which leads to cancer, high blood pressure & commonly high cholesterol and adrenal fatigue if left untreated.

There are a lot of other things it can be…but there is no reason he has to live with this stuff…please make him go to the DR. and insist on seeing an endocrinologist.


Post # 13
3624 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would accompany him to the dr’s appointment to prevent what happened to appleberry (him not being 100% honest with his doctor/downplaying the problem). It might be embarrassing for him, but I’m sure he’d rather have the problem solved than not solved.

Post # 14
1749 posts
Bumble bee

@AlreadyHitched:  My ex had a problem with ED. He was 33 and perfectly healthy in fact he was a health nut. He would have issues in the bedroom and would “secretly”  take Levitra. I found it in his shaving bag when we were on vacation. We never talked about it but he did talk to the doctor about it. With the medication things were average in the bedroom.

Post # 15
3 posts
  • Wedding: September 1988

I’m in the same situation. My husband and I have been together for almost 28 years, married almost 27. Im 49 and my husband will be 53 this month. His problems with Ed started about 5 years ago, just over night. We struggled with it for about a year, and my husband, like the original poster, wouldn’t go to the dr and as much as I hated to do it, I literally had to nag and shame him into going, because I was so worried he had a major underlying medical condition. We live in a small town. Everyone knows everyone and this includes his dr. He is friends with him so I think this made it even more difficult for him. Now that time has passed and he’s been on Levitra for the last five years, I have begun questioning him about his follow up with the dr. He says the dr doesn’t follow up he just refills the Rx. I questioned this and asked him if there was any bloodwork or other tests run? He said no. Recently, I started into the phase between Peri menopause and menopause and a lot of other emotional problems due to our kids, loss of parents, and other things. With my problems came a need to be with my husband all the time, and a sudden desire for sex all the time. Our sex life has always been crazy, insane, through the roof, can’t keep our hands off each other, incredible. The last year or so, it became mundane, about 1 or 2 times a month, versus the 6-7 times a month or more that we used to do it. (Incidentally his dr thinks he’s a comedian and said “didn’t he know he only gets to use his penis so many times before it quits?)  So over the last year, it has been about the same, he takes a 1/4 or 1/2 a pill, and tells me to go upstairs and get ready. He climbs on, no emotion to speak of, makes sure I’m satisfied, and then he finishes. I recently told him I missed our old relationship. He became upset. I don’t really know if his behavior changed because of his ed, and he had to concentrate so hard that he couldn’t have emotion or what. I’m 5’5 1/2” and was 208 lbs (after 2 pregnancies, twins and a single) and major health problems (cancer). I recently lost 30 lbs in about 5 weeks and he never commented, I don’t know if he has even noticed. I get dressed up, not just nice, but sexy/hot, and he says nothing. Making love with him used to be great and I always felt loved and wanted afterward. We had a huge argument last weekend, because he sensed I was upset about something, and I didn’t want to talk about it. He knows me well after all these years. He asked me what was wrong, I told him nothing, he said bull****, and I finally told him I just feel disconnected and alone. He said, “what’s making you feel like this?”  I said idk. Just lots of emotional stuff. He said, “do you think I don’t live you anymore?”  I said that was part of it. He said that couldn’t be further from the truth. He held me and told me he loved me more than anything In the world. Later we went to dinner. He didn’t see me get dressed so when I came downstairs he looked at me, and smiled and made a little eyebrow gesture at my bare skin on my shoulders (a sexy little shirt I haven’t been able to wear in 5 years) he never said anything, just a look. He opened doors for me, held my hand, gave me hugs and kisses. When we got home, he stopped me in the driveway and kissed me passionarely, held me and told me to never doubt his love for me. He said I was stuck with him forever and again said he loves me more than anything in the world and there’s no one else he would ever want to be with. More passionate kissing. We came inside and got changed. I was pretty sure there was going to be sex….I was wrong. He worked on his boat and fishing stuff, and got his golf clubs ready for the next day, watched basketball, picked out his clothes for the next day golfing and went to bed. I got in rolled over and pretended to be asleep while tears rolled quietly down my cheeks. Not the first time in the last few months. I sent him a message when he was golfing asking if I should knock one out (masterbate) by myself while he was gone or wait for him? He replied wait for me. So I did. Last night we ate dinner, watched some tv then got ready for bed. He got into bed and pulled me onto him and started kissing me. Nothing happened. We kissed for over 5 minutes, groping and rubbing and still nothing. I was rubbing myself on him and still no erection. I tried fondling him and stroking but nothing happened. He asked for me to let him up so I did.  He rolled me over and got a vibrator. He used it on me until I climaxed then pulled me to the side of the bed. He masterbated until he got hard finally and then entered me. He had a little difficultly staying rock hard but managed to engage in intercourse for about 5 minutes until he orgasmed. We went to bed and he rolled over and put his arm around me and asked if I enjoyed it? I just said yes. I don’t want to hurt him or make him feel any worse than he already does. I don’t know what to do. I love him more than  anything and he says he does me as well. He says we are “soul mates”. I am lost and for the first time in my life I don’t know how to handle this situation. Anyone have any positive input? It would be greatly received. Thanks in advance. 

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